Give A Man A Fish

I have a seasonal job at a popular boat tour company here in Seattle. These boats serve food and drinks (including alcohol) during the tours; however, since there’s no kitchen aboard and the crew can’t exactly load new stock during the twenty minutes guests spend boarding and disembarking between tours, all of the food either is refrigerated or has a long shelf life (chips and such).

Not only that, but the food isn’t even prepared by shoreside employees; it’s purchased from local suppliers. With all this buildup, you’re probably expecting this to be a story about a customer who insisted on having a hot or fresh meal, but it’s weirder than that.

Customer: “Can I have some salmon?”

Coworker: “Sorry, we don’t sell that. I can recommend [Seafood Place] once we dock, though!”

Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. What other fish do y’all have?”

Coworker: “Sir, we don’t sell fish on these boats. It’s just what you see on the menus here.” *Points to a stack of paper menus*

Customer: “But… this is Seattle.”

Coworker: “Yes, sir. It is.”

Customer: “So… y’all gotta have fish.”

Coworker: “No, sir, we don’t.”

Customer: “But… y’all gotta have fish, right?”

Coworker: “Sir, we have never sold fish.”

Customer: “But y’all gotta have fish.”

Coworker: “We don’t have any fish.”

Imagine these last four exchanges repeating for about five minutes, until the customer finally gave up, leaving the register as he mumbled about how he couldn’t believe there wasn’t any fish.

None of the crew had any idea what was going on in his head. Did he think there was some sort of law requiring Seattle businesses to sell fish? Was he convinced there was a “secret menu” situation going on? Unfortunately, since tours don’t often have repeat customers — especially in the same season — I doubt we’ll ever know.