Getting The Thong Idea

(My sense of fashion is jeans and a t-shirt, and I’m so modest that I actually refuse to wear any kind of bikini. My mom has just brought me a large bag of hand-me-downs from my cousins, which she and I are currently organizing and trying on.)

Me: “So these are from [cousin] and [older cousin], right?”

Mom: “Yep. There’s a bikini in here somewhere.”

(I make a face of horror at the idea.)

Mom: “Didn’t think so, but worth a shot.”

Me: “Anything in here worse than a bikini?”

Mom: “Not that I know of; I picked them myself. Well there is—”

(At this moment, I pull out a top to what I think is the bikini.)

Mom: “Oh, that’s lovely! Why don’t you try it on?”

(I realize it is definitely not a bikini top; it’s a very skimpy bra for a lingerie set. I drop it and jump back like I’ve just let go of a poisonous snake.)

Me: “It’s lingerie!”

Mom: “Oh, yeah, I forgot that was in there.”

Me: “It’s lingerie!”

Mom: “Try it on anyways! If it fits, it’ll be lovely for whenever it becomes useful.”

Me: “MOM!”

Mom: “Or, since you don’t seem the show it off type, maybe your girlfriend could wear it?”

Me: “What do you mean girlfriend?!”

(I am, in fact, lesbian, but I had only come out to one very close friend who had sworn secrecy about it while I figured out how to tell my parents.)

Mom: “Honey, you left your laptop open and I saw your google searches. Don’t worry; I didn’t tell anyone. But seriously, this is very good lingerie, so keep it around for when it comes in handy. Just let me and Dad know first, so we can conveniently go out for a movie that night, okay?”

Me: “MOM!”