Get Out Of There Before You Can Say “Knife”

(I’ve reconnected with a guy that I knew when we were kids. He offers to buy me coffee one day so we can “catch up.” I agree. It seems to be going well, until another guy walks by…)

Me: *notices him staring at the person who has just walked by* “You know him?”

Guy: “No.”

Me: “So why are you giving him the death stare?”

Guy: “He was checking you out.”

Me: “He was?”

Guy: “Yes, and I don’t like that. He’s checking out my girl!”

Me: “Hold on, now. I’m not your girl—”

Guy: “But it’s okay, because I can protect you!”

Me: “I’m going to regret asking this, but what are you talking about?”

Guy: *stage whispers* “I collect knives!”

Me: “I… did not need to know that.”

Guy: “I have one on me RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “…I think we’re done here!”

(I booked it out of there in record time. He tried to contact me several more times, asking if I was “mad.” Needless to say, I never saw him again.)