(This happens when the original Dumb & Dumber movie is in the cinemas, and my best friend and I have been to see it. My best friend’s brother had been trying for years to get the better of me in our ongoing game of banter and good-natured insults.)
Friend’s Brother: “I heard you two had starring roles in it.”
Me: “Yeah, but they want you for the sequel; Dumb, Dumber, & Thick As S***.”
(I’m studying to become a physiotherapist. We have a clinic at the school where students give discounted treatments. As a bonus, if there is a slot available, students can get treatments for free. I’m getting a massage from a girl in my class, Friend #1, and another friend of mine from class, Friend #2, is tagging along as he doesn’t have a patient at the moment. The school clinic is not very soundproof as we give treatments in little booths, so conversations can easily be overheard. I have been lying on my stomach and Friend #1 has asked me to turn over and lie on my back.)
Friend #1: “Wow, [My Name], your breasts are really big!”
Me: “Uhh, okay…”
Friend #1: “No, but just look at them. They´re HUGE!”
Me: “Um, well, I guess they are…”
Friend #1: “I mean, you´re lying on your back, and they still point upwards! Mine always fall to the sides!”
Me: “Yeah, okay…”
(Friend #2 is getting visibly embarrassed and is trying to get Friend #1 to talk in a lower voice by shushing her.)
Friend #1: *to [Friend #2]* “But just look at them!”
Me: “Can we please talk about anything besides my breasts?!”
Friend #1: “But they’re so big!”
(Suddenly we hear the student and patient from the next booth laughing hysterically, obviously from hearing our ‘conversation.’)
Friend #1: *to the other booth* “It’s okay! We know each other!”
Me: “Okay, maybe we can talk about something else now, so that people won’t think that we’re crazy here at [School]?”
Friend #1: “But they’re so big!”
(I’m walking home, and make a detour to a gas station to grab some snacks and so on. I notice my shoe is untied, and stop to do it up outside the station, near where the cars are. A stranger approaches me.)
Stranger: “Hey! Let me fill your car up for you!”
Me: “What?”
Stranger: “Your car! I’ll fill it for you so you don’t have to!”
Me: “Oh, that’s very kind of you to offer, but ac—”
Stranger: “No, no, I have to! It’s a man’s job to do these sorts of things for women!”
Me: “Er, what?”
Stranger: “Like, my sister can’t even change a tire. But don’t worry! I’m always ready to help!”
Me: “Um, well, it’s nice that you want to help, but giving help when it isn’t wanted, and insisting on it when your offer is declined is kind of the opposite of nice. And besides—”
Stranger: “Oh, f***, are you a f****** feminist, too? Ugh! A man tries to do something nice for you and you don’t even appreciate it? I bet you can’t even fill your own car, anyway! You’ll probably run out of gas on the way home, and it’ll be your own d*** fault!”
Me: “Right. You’re not actually listening to me, so this is pointless. Goodbye.”
(I went and bought my snacks. While I was paying, I asked the cashier if I could stay inside the store for a while until the weird guy outside left. He agreed, so I hung around the store, able to see outside through the huge windows. The stranger decided to do me a ‘favor’ anyway, and started happily pumping gas into a random car he assumed was mine. After about a minute the owner of the car, a big burly guy, spotted the stranger and was less than impressed at finding a complete stranger handling his car. The stranger scuttled away, frightened. I hope he didn’t try to force his “help” onto anyone else again without at least listening to them first!)
(I’m riding in the car with my best friend. His mom is on speaker phone and we are talking about chocolate treats for the holidays.)
Friend’s Mom: “I can’t tell you how I know this, but chocolate is one of the messiest things to have all over your body.”
Friend: “I can’t tell you how I know this, but I completely agree.”
(There is a very sweet, special needs man that regularly attends my church. He randomly shouts “Hallelujah” during the service. Everyone just ignores it for the most part, but sometimes his timing is impeccable.)
Pastor: “My wife is beautiful.”
Parishioner: “Hallelujah!”
(Different day.)
Pastor: “As you may know, [Lead Pastor] is out of town this week.”
Parishioner: “Hallelujah!”
