(My friend says off-the-wall things with a straight face all the time.)
Friend: “Hey! We should go in that store so I can get some… things that do stuff.”
Me: “What do you mean things that do stuff?”
Friend: “Yes! Um… sodas!”
Me: “How are sodas ‘things that do stuff’?”
Friend: “They go in my mouth and out my penis!”
Me: “…”
Friend: “In that order!”
(After a long day, I sit down on the subway ride home. A few stops later, a clearly pregnant woman comes in, “Baby On Board” T-shirt and all. Trying to be polite, I ask her if she wants to sit down.)
Me: “Miss, would you like to sit down?”
Woman: “WHY?! DO YOU THINK I’M PREGNANT?!”
Me: *slightly confused* “No, miss. I just wanted to be polite.”
Woman: “Oh. Well. Okay. Keep your seat.”
(We remained in silence until shortly after the next stop.)
Woman: “YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE S***! I’M CARRYING ANOTHER SOON-TO-BE HUMAN, AND I’LL BE D***** IF YOU DON’T GET UP RIGHT THIS SECOND AND LET ME REST MY TIRED FEET. ”
Me: *slightly confused* “Of course. I’m sorry.”
(I got up and let her sit down. Of course, she got off at the next stop.)
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(I’m walking down an aisle, minding my own business, when I feel a tug on my jacket. I see a little boy who is about eight years old smiling up at me.)
Little Boy: “Miss, miss! I like your Deadpool jacket!”
Me: *smiling* “Thanks! At least you knew it was Deadpool. Most people think it’s Spider-Man!”
Little Boy: “What?! That’s not Spider-Man! How could they confuse them? Spider-Man has black web designs on his mask!” *turns around and calls down the aisle* “Mom! Mom! She has a Deadpool jacket! Where did you get it?”
Little Boy’s Mom: “I’m so sorry!”
Me: “It’s okay!” *to the little boy* “I got it from Walmart a couple weeks ago.”
Little Boy: “We’ll have to look for one for me! I like Deadpool more than Spider-Man!”
(Best. Kid. EVER!)
(My friend and I are talking about a demonstration we just left involving turtles.)
Friend: “You know how they told us to hold the turtles like a cheese burger?”
Me: “Um… yeah… why?”
Friend: “Because out of absolutely nowhere I had an urge to bite the head off of the turtle,”
Me: *giving her a funny look and trying hard not to laugh* “Do you feel okay?”
Friend: “Yeah. I put the turtle down real quick after that though…”
(A couple friends and I are sitting on the ground of my apartment, when Friend #1 taps her ankle.)
Friend #1: “I don’t know why, but it hurts here. What is this body part called again?”
(We giggle as she tries to remember the name. Finally, I decide to give her the answer, but she remembers it just before I do.)
Friend #1: “Ankle! That’s what it’s called! My ankle hurts! I know my geography!”
