(A class dingbat comes to me in a panic because they are about to be drug tested, and they think it is a good idea to buy my urine.)

Dingbat: “Can I buy your urine? I’ll give you $200.”

Me: “Um, no. You’d fail it with mine.”

Dingbat: “But you don’t do drugs.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m also on ADHD medication, which will show up in a drug test.”

Dingbat: “No, it wouldn’t.”

Me: “Actually, yes, it would. [Drug] is a stimulant, and those are tested for in a drug test.”

Dingbat: “Yeah, but you’re like, prescribed that, so it wouldn’t show up in a test.”

Me: “So if you took an ADHD medication, would it show up on a drug test?”

Dingbat: “Yeah.”

Me: “So why wouldn’t my prescribed medication that is the exact same thing show up?”

Dingbat: “Because it was legally prescribed.”

(Two of my friends are in the student opera. I’m hanging out with one of them and she says she has a story to tell me from a rehearsal.)

Friend #1: “So, [Friend #2] and I are in the audience seats since we’re not in that scene, and we see this really strangely shaped shadow. And then we realized it was [Lead Male Actor]’s — well, let’s just say he’s a very ‘manly’ man.”

Me: “Oh, my God, really?”

Friend #1: “Yes, really!”

(Several weeks later, the same friend’s family comes up to visit her for the weekend and take a bunch of us out to dinner. Since they had just finished with the opera it’s fresh in their minds, so we’re talking about it.)

Friend #2: “And then, of course, there was the whole thing with the shadow.”

(At that moment, we all realize that Friend #1’s mother is standing right there.)

Friend #1’s Mother: “What shadow?”

Friend #2: “Well, um, [Lead Male Actor] is so tall that he kept casting shadows on [Friend #1] every time they were standing close to each other and they kept having to move them around so she’d be in the light.”

Friend #1’s Mom: “Oh, okay. I didn’t see any of that happening when I saw the performance. They must have known what they were doing when they fixed it.”

(We barely managed to wait until she walked away before we all almost died laughing!)

(I like to sit in a small garden outside my sister’s martial arts school and play games on my phone while I wait for her class to be over. Sometimes a mom takes her son and his two friends into the garden as well, and as they are rather noisy, I move if they arrive. One day, though, they arrive holding paper airplanes and start having a contest. Although I am annoyed, I am playing a timed game on my phone, and stay because I don’t want to waste my time. I decide to finish the level and then move.)

Mom: *sits down on a bench* “Ready… set… go!”

(The son and his two friends throw the paper planes.)

Friend #1: “Ha! I win!”

Friend #2: “I’m in second place!”

Son: “Mom, I need a new airplane.”

Mom: *starts folding a new airplane*

(After they finish their planes, they throw them for a little while. As they are being rather quiet, and I am comfortable where I am, I start a new game on my phone.)

Mom: “The wind’s blowing that way.” *points directly at me* “Try throwing your planes that way.”

(Immediately, all three boys lob their planes at me. Luckily, they veer off course and don’t hit my face.)

Mom: “See? They went farther!”

Me: *gets up and walks away*

(It is the middle of summer, 30 degrees Celsius, Northern Canada. A car pulls up with skis on top of the car and parkas in the back of car. A tourist come up to me.)

Tourist: “How far until we hit snow?”

Me: “It’s the middle of July! You could drive to Alaska and you’d be hard-pressed to find snow.”

Tourist: “I thought as soon as you crossed into Canada there was snow.”

Me: *face-palm*

(We’re working quietly in class and I decide to be humorous to my classmate, whom I do not know very well.)

Me: “Wanna hear a joke?”

Classmate: “Sure.”

(I launch into my favourite joke.)

Me: “So, an engineer dies and goes to Hell. But when he gets there, he notices that stuff like the AC and conveyor belts are broken, so he starts fixing them. Eventually he fixes everything in Hell, and when God looks in he sees that everyone’s chillin’ and enjoying themselves, which God isn’t happy about. So, he says to the devil, ‘You have to send that engineer to me, in Heaven,’ and the devil says ‘No, I like this guy. I’m keeping him.’ So God says: ‘If you don’t send that engineer here, I’ll sue!’ And the devil replies: ‘But I have all the lawyers!'”

(I wait for a response from my classmate, who looks both amused and appalled. It occurs to me that something might be wrong.)

Me: “Wait… you’re not religious, are you?”

Classmate: *nods*

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t think—”

Classmate: “—and my mum’s a lawyer.”