Me: “No Game of Thrones spoilers, please! I haven’t watched it yet.”

Friend: “Someone dies.”

Me: *not listening* “All I know about it is that everyone dies, so that’s not even a spoiler.”

Friend: “Dumbledore dies.”

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(My best friend and I are taking a makeup production class together. We are both gay, him a boy and I a girl. We are usually mistaken for a couple.)

Friend: *walking back from the supply room* “I walked all the way there and I forgot what I had to— Oh, never mind.”

(He walks back to the supply room and returns a few minutes later.)

Me: “Did you remember what you had to get?”

Friend: “Yeah. I remembered it when I looked at you.”

Me: “What was it?”

Friend: “Beard cover.”

(I’m at a friend’s house watching her play ‘World of Warcraft.’ She starts to fidget as her team, or whatever it’s called, start to go into a boss fight. I’m better at driving or ‘The Sims’ games.)

Friend: “CRAP, I gotta go to the loo but we’re starting to fight.” *turns to me* “Play for me for a minute!”

Me: “WHAT! No, I don’t know how to play. I’m going to get you killed””

Friend: “Okay we’re in.” *points to some buttons* “Just hit these buttons in order, okay? You’ll be fine.” *runs out of the room*

(I proceed to stand there while the others fight the boss guy, then hit a button which makes the character glow for a few seconds. I panic and make the character go run and hide behind a wall. I can hear my friend’s teammates yelling at her to get back to where they are. Just as they are about to beat the boss my friend comes back in and looks at the screen.)

Friend: “Dude! Where the h*** are you?”

Me: “Well, after I went glow worm for a sec I turned around to run out the way you went in and now I think I’m near a pile of rubble. Told you not to let me play!”

Friend: “S***!” *on mic to her team* “Guys, I’m sorry. I was busting and gave my mate the computer.”

Team Member: “Yeah, please don’t ever do that again; your friend sucks.”

(I [female] am telling a male friend of mine about a fight I had with a mutual friend of ours.)

Me: “So imagine you were me. What would you do now?”

Friend: “Hmm…”

(He stares into nothing, obviously thinking very hard.)

Me: “…You’re imagining yourself with boobs, aren’t you?”

Friend: *widely grinning* “H***, yes!”

(I’m at [Friend #2]’s house, and we are talking about how everyone in the chain of command is taking the blame for the Seahawk’s loss at the Super Bowl. In comes [Friend #2]’s roommate, reminding us to keep the bathroom door open with a door wedge so that their cats can get to the litterbox.)

Friend #1: “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to put it back.”

Me: “No, it was me. Sorry about that.”

Friend #1: “No, I was there a while ago. I didn’t put it back.”

Me: “I was just in there. I didn’t think to put it back.”

Friend #2: *laughing* “Congratulations, guys. You’re now Seahawks!”