(I’ve stopped at a grocery store to get a few things that were on sale, pick up some of our WIC stuff (a government program that provides nutritious food to low-income children), and ended up buying an Oprah magazine. At the checkout:)

Guy Behind Me: “Nice to see my tax dollars are paying for your milk so you have money to buy stuff from Oprah.”

Me: “OH, MY GOD! I TOTALLY FORGOT!”

Guy Behind Me: *stares*

Me: “I totally forgot that accepting help to make sure my child gets nutritious food means you get to sign off on my personal decisions.”

Guy Behind Me: *stares*

Me: “I haven’t asked you yet today – what do you think of this outfit? Is it okay? And my hair? I was going to call you when I was doing it to make sure it was okay with you, but I didn’t want to interrupt you since you were probably busy.”

Guy Behind Me: *stares*

Me: “Did you want to come home with me now and make sure my clothes for tomorrow are okay? Or choose what I have for dinner? I was thinking rice and beans. Is that all right, or is that not impoverished enough?”

Guy Behind Me: *puts down his basket and leaves the store*

(My husband and I are attending the wedding of one of his coworkers. This coworker is in his late 40s. He and I had braces at the same time, although I had them for a much longer time. I finally had to ask my orthodontist to just take them off, because I was a couple weeks away from having a baby, and didn’t want to deal with them and a newborn.)

Coworker: “[Wife], come look! She got her braces off!”

Coworker’s Wife: “Hey, your teeth look so good!”

Coworker: “Yeah, she had the braces on for so long! And the baby came out with braces, too!”

(I easily get tongue-tied, and often try to combine words. Neither my friend or I curse a lot. This happens one day as my best friend and I are driving home from school.)

Friend: “So, how do you think you did on the biology test?”

Me: “I’m not sure. I think I completely fumbled and missed the section on mitosis.”

Friend: *jokingly* “Well, why did you go and do that for?!?”

Me: “Oh, just for the f*** of it.

Friend: “…”

Me: “…”

Me: “Yeah, that’s what happens when you try to say fun and heck at the same time.”

(I’m telling my friend about a graphic novel I’m currently reading.)

Me: “So this is why you never use an Ouija board. See, they accidentally summon this demon because the board spells out the phrase, ‘Ommax Kamara’ and they said it aloud, which lets the demon out.”

(My friend pauses and stares at me for a moment.)

Me: “Oh, my god, did I really just say that out loud?”

(It’s nearly Christmas and one of my best friends has given me a wonderful picture she’s drawn as an early present. I insist that we immediately go to the store to buy a frame for it. When we get to the store there are several other people in the aisle with the frames. It should be noted that we tend to shout at each other a lot and every little discussion we have we like to escalate into an exaggerated fight but most of the time its just as a joke.)

Me: “All right, we need a black A3 frame.”

Friend: *picks up a frame without really looking at it* “How about this one?”

Me: “That’s gonna be way too small.”

Friend: *picks up another frame* “This one?”

Me: “I don’t really like the design. Hang on, how about this one?”

Friend: “Does that really look A3 to you?”

Me: “I dunno! That’s why I asked you!”

Friend: “You’re so blind! What about this one?”

Me: “If I had wanted a brown frame I would have asked for one!”

Friend: *shouting* “What’s wrong with it!?”

Me: *also shouting* “It’s a black and white picture! A black frame would compliment it! A brown one would just look awful!”

Friend: “Why do you have to be such a picky b****! Just choose a frame so we can go! Just pick that one!”

Me: “Are your eyes just for show? That’s brown AND way too small! You’re not even looking!”

Friend: “I am looking! That one’s black. Just get it!”

Me: “That’s gonna be way too huge, it’ll never fit on my wall! Oh, I’m sorry; I must have forgotten that wall space is infinite in magic [Friend]-land!”

Friend: “I swear I’m going to strangle you if you don’t pick a frame!” *picks up a frame and hands it to me*

Me: “What the h*** is this?” *I look at the frame. Its black and it looks about A3. I stop shouting* “Oh… wait… I think this might actually be all right. Do you think the picture will fit?”

Friend: *suddenly in a soft, friendly voice* “Yeah, it should. Even if it doesn’t, we could probably just trim the edges a bit.”

Me: “Brilliant! This is why you’re the smart one!”

(As we turned to head to the register, we noticed that the aisle was completely empty. When we got to the register the cashier, as well as some of the other shoppers, gave us a very worried look and was very quiet. We very politely paid and left. As we got back to the car the two of us burst into laughter.)