(I and two friends are at friend #1’s house. We are all 13.)
Me: “Hey! [Friend #1]! Come over here! There’s a spider!”
Friend #1: “Ooh! Really?” *comes running over, gasps* “Oh, my gosh, it’s so cute! Awwww.”
Me: “Awww.”
Friend #1: “[Friend #2]! We found a spider!
Friend #2: *gasps, comes running over* “Awwww.”
Me: “Awwww.”
Friend #1: “Awwww.”
Me: “…”
Friend #1: “…”
Friend #2: “…”
All: *bursts out laughing*
Friend #1: “We’re weird, aren’t we?”
(The fire department has just finished an annual fire drill in our house when I hear one of my sisters walking down the hall, continuing a conversation that I’d otherwise missed with someone else.)
Her: “I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to angrily walk out of my room in the middle of purchases. I’m online shopping; how dare you?!”
This story is part of our crazy-online-shoppers roundup!
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Read the crazy-online-shoppers roundup!
(I am picking up my great-niece after school. She is the granddaughter of my husband’s sister. We have no blood relationship.)
Random Grandparent: “Your daughter looks just like you.”
Me: “Actually, she’s my niece’s daughter. I’m too old to have a child this young.”
Random Grandparent: “She has hair just like yours. She must have gotten it from you.”
Me: “She’s not related by blood. She’s on my husband’s side of the family. She just happens to have curly hair.”
Random Grandparent: *now screaming* “YOU CAN STILL PASS ON THE HAIR! IT’S GENETIC!”
(I arrive to a party and sit across from a girl who is in town to visit. A group of people then come in with boba smoothies; it’s too bad I was late because I could’ve ordered one, too. They go around passing out the drinks.)
Person #1: “Here you go, [Girl].”
Girl: “Thanks… Ugh, I forgot to order it without the boba balls.”
Me: “Aw, that’s the best part.”
Girl: “Nope, I just like the smoothie. Well, maybe I can still drink this.”
(The girl drinks the smoothie, but when a boba ball passes her lips, she sputters and spits it back down the straw.)
Girl: “Ewwww, they’re so slimy!”
(I watch in astonished disgust as she does this again and again, even spewing some of her drink onto the table. Someone else comes up.)
Person #2: “Hey, [Girl], try this flavor.”
Girl: “Yeah, and you can try mine.”
(Regrettably, all I can do is watch in abject horror as they share drinks. The person walks away.)
Girl: “Do you want some, too?”
Me: “No.”
Girl: “Hmm, I thought you said you liked boba?”
Me: “I do. I don’t like backwash.”
Girl: “Oh!” *giggles* “I forgot that I did that! And I’ve been sick all week, too. Oh, well… Don’t tell anyone else.”
(I am very young, and part of a karate dojo that has students from age 10 to about 60. Because I hate lip balm my lip will often split at the slightest provocation, causing this conversation to happen more than once:)
Older Student: *throws a punch* “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry!”
Me: “What? What’s wrong?”
Older Student: *looking pleadingly at Sensei* “I barely touched her, I swear! I’m so sorry!”
Me: “What’s wrong?”
Sensei: “Come here, [My Name].” *sighs* “Your lip is bleeding again. Go clean yourself up.”
Me: “But Sensei, I’m used to it! It doesn’t hurt. I can still fight!”
Sensei: “Yeah, and bleed all over my dojo! You can fight after you clean up. [Older Student], you did nothing wrong.”
Older Student: *still distraught* “She’s just so TINY, and she was bleeding, and…”
