(I have a habit of leaving random supplies around, and everyone in my family has been quite sick lately. This led to the following conversation.)

Me: “So, don’t be too concerned about me saying this, but if something super bad happens to me there’s a graph paper notebook in the top shelf of my closet. Knock yourself out.”

Best Friend: “Don’t say that! Now I want something super bad to happen to you.”

Me: “…”

Best Friend: “In my defense, graph paper is the bomb.”

Me: “[Roommate #1], does your boyfriend know you’re sleeping with [Roommate #2]?”

Roommate: “What are you talking about? I’m not sleeping with [Roommate #2]!”

Me: “Right, you two just hang out in each other’s bedrooms all the time, instead of the common areas, for the h*** of it.”

Roommate: “We’re just friends.”

Me: “And in a house with six people in it, you’re the only one who’s caught the same cough as his, for purely innocent reasons.”

Roommate: *turns pink, flees*

(The walls between apartments are a little thin, but not so much that we can hear every little thing in the neighboring apartments. Sometimes my neighbor has the volume up a bit too high on their TV and one day I happen to realize we’re watching the same show. This happens part-way through the episode.)

Neighbor: *yelling, possibly without realizing it* “I know that voice! What’s her name!?” *swears and repeats the question*

Me: *yelling a little so they can hear me* “The lady talking to [Character]?”

Neighbor: “Yeah!”

Me: “It’s that gal from [90s Cartoon], right?”

Neighbor: “Yeah!”

Me: “Marina Sirtis!”

(There’s a pause; I assume the neighbor is checking it.)

Neighbor: “I KNEW IT.”

(We go out for lunch every Thursday, and even take turns in paying. I get on with everyone really well apart from one guy. I will call him Coworker #2.)

Coworker #1: “On for lunch today?”

Me: “Of course, it’s your turn to pay after all.”

Coworker #1: “What?” *begins counting on his fingers* “Dang, I thought it was your turn.”

Me: “Oh, I forgot. I have a meeting just before. It should be ok, but I may be a little bit late.”

Coworker #2: “Well, we can’t hang around all day. I have things to do.”

Me: “Yeah, well, like I said it’s only a few minutes.”

Coworker #1: “Ignore him. Of course it will be fine.”

Me: “Great. I didn’t bring any lunch with me, so I’m starving.”

(Lunch quickly comes around, but my meeting isn’t over. I rush through and head back to the office only 10 minutes later, only to find no one there. Not only did I not have anything to eat but got a lift into work and no canteen on site. Eventually they return…)

Me: “What the h***? I wasn’t that late back.”

Coworker #1: “Sorry. [Coworker #2] drove us and he kept pushing that he had to be back in time.”

Me: “You realise that I literally have nothing to eat?”

(So there I was: hungry, no food, nor a way of getting any. Thankfully, my boss took pity on me and lent me his car so I could actually eat that day. I gave up on our weekly lunch and brought my own in from then on.)

(My friend and I are headed to a headphone disco.)

Friend: “You know, I don’t think it’s started yet. I can’t hear the music…”