(My guy friend and I are always asked if we’re dating, which we are not. One day in the lunch line a classmate decides to ask us a question.)
Classmate: “So [My Name] and [Guy Friend]…”
Us: “Yes?”
Classmate: “Are you two brother and sister?”
(It should be known that we look nothing alike, I’m only 5′ and Chinese while my friend is almost 6′ with red hair.)
Me: “What? No. What gave you that idea?”
Classmate: “You guys are always talking to each other.”
(My foot is broken after I am knocked off my motorbike by a lady who was late for church, and the cast the hospital puts on me causes a blood clot behind my knee. I’m finally being released on Christmas Eve after a week in hospital. Because it is so close to Christmas, due to staff shortages I’ve been on the cancer ward with a mentally challenged girl who had kept me awake all night, every night. I’m in pain and short-tempered as a result, waiting for my family to get the car so I can leave. I’m hobbling through the discharge area on crutches, with a leg brace on, a backpack, a water bottle and another bag full of my belongings from my stay.)
Random Lady: “Here, I have a gift for you.” *tries to hand me a pamphlet*
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any spare hands and my family is waiting for me.”
Random Lady: “Do you want to hear your message from the Lord?” *keeps trying to stuff the pamphlet into my hands*
Me: “Can you leave me alone?” *tries to hop around her*
Random Lady: “This is important! You need to hear the message!”
Me: “You can get out of my way or I will hit you with my crutches!”
Random Lady: *stuffs the pamphlet into my bag* “This is important!”
Me: *finally managed to get out the door and into the car* “What is with all the crazy religious people trying to get me?”
Mum: “Want to go to church tomorrow for Christmas?”
Me: “F*** you.”
(I hear my neighbor scream loudly through our shared wall. Worried that she could be hurt or in trouble, I rush over to check on her.)
Me: “Are you okay? I heard a scream and was worried!”
Neighbor: “Oh, don’t worry, everything’s okay. There was a daddy long legs.”
Me: “And that’s what made you scream?”
Neighbor: “Oh, no, I’m not afraid of those. My cat ate it.”
Me: “And you screamed because your cat ate it?”
Neighbor: “No, she eats bugs all the time. That doesn’t bother me either.”
Me: “Then why did you scream?”
Neighbor: “Because after she finished eating it, she jumped up on my lap and started licking my face with one of the disembodied, twitching legs still stuck to her mouth.”
(Lately, I’ve been lamenting how the recent Poise commercials missed their opportunity to encourage the donation of feminine napkins to homeless women. This ensues when I think out loud.)
Me: “I can’t stand those Poise commercials they have now.”
Friend #1: “Why?”
Friend #2: “What’s Poise?”
Friend #3: “You know; those feminine napkins?”
Friend #2: “A napkin commercial?”
Me: “Sort of.”
Friend #2: “But feminine napkins? How are they different from regular napkins?”
Me: “Umm…”
Friend #2: “Do I need masculine napkins?”
Friend #1: “Do you bleed once a month?”
Friend #2: “No.”
Me: “If a guy bleeds out of his exclusive parts every month then he should really see a doctor.”
Friend #2: “I don’t bleed.”
Me: “Hmm… would you recognize the term ‘period pads.'”
Friend #2: “You mean condoms?”
Friend #3: “No.”
Me: “We need to reform sex ed. Now.”
(I have just hung up the phone. My friend has just then heard my ringtone for the first time.)
Friend: “Oh, I like that! It’s so jolly!”
Me: “…jolly.”
Friend: “Yeah, that whistling! It’s so upbeat and cheerful!”
Me: “It’s from a movie. Kill Bill? The lady assassin uses it as her trademark when killing people?”
Friend: “…”
Me: “…”
Friend: “Your text alert is whistling, too.”
Me: “That one’s from The Hunger Games.”
Friend: “And here I thought it suited you so well!”
