Cooking Up Some Good Ideas

| Friendly | February 11, 2014

(My friend lives across the country from me. Every year I send him both Christmas and birthday presents. He usually gets mad at me as soon as he gets them. This year, because I got sick right before Christmas, I sent him his gift late. A few days after the ‘expected’ arrival date I text him.)

Me: “Did you get a box from me?”

Friend: “No… Why would I get a box from you?”

Me: “I sent a box last week. It was supposed to get to you on Tuesday.”

Friend: “Oh… No…”

Me: “Hmm.”

Friend: “Why are you sending me stuff, anyway?”

Me: “I didn’t send a Christmas present this year and you seem to want to try the Amish friendship bread.”

Friend: “Oh, ok… Thank you.”

Me: “Why are you thanking me? You didn’t get it.”

Friend: “It’s the thought that counts.”

Me: “Not when it comes to food. Have you ever tried eating thoughts?”

Friend: “Jerk.”

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They’ll Get It At The Eleventh Hour

| Friendly | February 10, 2014

(I’m sitting at a restaurant eating and reading when I hear the customer behind me begin to talk loudly to her friends.)

Customer: “So if a car is traveling at 10 miles an hour how far will it have gone in an hour?”

(At this point I assume she sharing an anecdote or trying to make some kind of joke but it starts to sound like she’s serious.)

Customer: “Well…?”

Customer’s Friend: “Ummm.”

Customer: “If a car leaves driving 10 miles per hour, how far will it have gone in an hour? How do I figure that out? I need to figure this out…”

Customer’s Friend: “Are you hearing what you’re saying?”

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Order Up A Hot Slice Of Irony

| Friendly | February 10, 2014

(My friend and I are walking around town to get some food. There is an eye care place on the street that we are on.)

Friend: *laughs* “What do they serve at the eye cafe?”

Me: “That says ‘care’ not ‘cafe.'”

Friend: “Oh…”

Me: “Yeah. Maybe you should go in while I get the food.”

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Not Quite The Breakfast Of Champions

| Friendly | February 10, 2014

(I wake up for a night out and find my bed COVERED in kebab remnants. Since I hate kebab I wake up my friend, who is crashed out on my floor, to work out how this happened.)

Me: “Dude! Why am I covered in kebab?”

Friend: *hungover* “Whaaa?”

Me: “Why. Am. I. Wearing. Your. Kebab?”

Friend: “Well I put it between you and the radiator so it would still be warm when I woke up hungry. Didn’t guess you’d be such a restless sleeper.”

(I am contemplating what is most gross about this, out of my friend thinking far enough ahead to try to keep his food warm, or the fact he could eat kebab for breakfast, or the fact I ended up sleeping in said kebab. I start picking the bits of kebab off of me and lean over to reach for the wastepaper basket.)

Friend: “No! STOP! [My Name], what are you doing?!”

Me: “I’m just cleaning mys—”

Friend: “NO!”

(My friend grabs all the bits of kebab-pyjama I’ve gathered back into the wrapper and starts to eat them.)

Me: “I have no words right now.”

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The Friendship Of Depreciating Returns

| Friendly | February 9, 2014

(A friend and roommate is upset at me one night and I have no idea why. I finally ask her.)

Roommate: “You haven’t been making me feel good about myself often enough!”

Me: “What?!”

Roommate: *serious* “I need constant appreciation!”

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