(At a craft store, there is a box of bracelets with elephant beads by the register. Two customers come up to pay and one picks the bracelet up.)

Customer #1: “Look, hon, pachyderms!”

Customer #2: *gasp* “That’s my favorite kind of ‘derm!”

Customer #1: *gives her a blank look*

Customer #2: “As opposed to epiDERMises and hyperDERMic needles.”

(My friend is playing an online hidden object game. She’s new to these types of games while I’ve played a lot of them.)

Friend: “It’s asking for me to find a mouse, and it’s nowhere to be found.”

Me: “Hints?”

Friend: “Used them up.”

Me: “Okay, send me a picture.”

(15 seconds after receiving picture…)

Me: “It’s on the left corner of the bench.”

Friend: “Oh they mean the animal! I was looking for a computer mouse.”

(I am trying, with little success, to interact with a customer’s little girl.)

Me: “Hi, sweetie! Hi!… Can you say hi? …Can you wave? …Can you smile? …No?”

Little Girl: “No.”

Me: “…I just got shot down by a toddler. That’s what happened to me today.”

(A friend and I are discussing his upcoming rugby game:)

Me: “No! You are forbidden from dying!”

Friend: “Fiiiiinnne. No dying then. ”

Me: “What do you tell the reaper if he shows up?”

(I’m expecting to see ‘Not Today’ as a response.)

Friend: “Sean Bean is over there?”

(A male friend of mine, who is gay and fairly campy, and not shy about sharing slightly racy posts on Facebook, shares a picture of a mug that says ‘Queen of F***ing Everything.’ I can think of two ways to interpret this, so I comment:)

Me: “Queen of ‘f***ing everything’ or queen of ‘f***ing’ everything?”

Friend: “Yes.”