Finish His Plate In Less Than 12 Parsnips

| Friendly | February 17, 2014

(Many years ago, when ‘Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back’ was first out, a group of friends and I go to a science fiction convention in full Imperial costume. One of us has a full Darth Vader costume, complete with breathing sounds and functioning vocoder, rendering his voice deep and quite similar to Darth’s. Lord Vader is played by a 5’6″ fellow, who, with lifts, makes the full seven feet in height. We, costumed as Imperial officers and marching in formation, accompany him into a restaurant and sit down for dinner. A mother and her small son are seated nearby, and could not help but notice us.)

Mom: *to her son* “There, son, you see? If you eat your vegetables, you’ll grow up to be big and strong just like Darth Vader!”

(Lord Vader begins to rise from his seat. Naturally, as his officers all eight of us rise as well and stand to attention. ‘Lord Vader’ turns and gravely addresses the little boy. In a deep baritone that carries through the room, he speaks:)

Vader: “When I was a child, I never ate my vegetables… and you do not have to, either.”

(He then turns back and sits down. We sit down and continue our meal. When we go to pay for our meal, the restaurant owner approaches me. I am dressed as the Admiral.)

Owner: “Sir… Why did Darth Vader tell that little boy he didn’t have to eat his vegetables?!”

(I keep a straight face and reply in my very best British clip.)

Me: “Well, after all, sir… We are evil.”

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Sweet Loss Of Innocence

| Friendly | February 16, 2014

(I am just getting out of the car after arriving home to pick up my roommate. His mom and her boyfriend are in the car. I’ve noticed that my [brand] candy somehow went missing. I am female and 20 years old.)

Me: “Man, I lost my cherry candy!”

(Both get quiet in the front seat.)

Me: “What? I lost my candy.”

(They start to laugh.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, we thought you said you lost your cherry.”

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The Best And Worst Idea To Date

Friendly | February 15, 2014

Complimentary Tampons

| Friendly | February 15, 2014

(Our friend was born male, but has been living as a woman most of the time I’ve known her. She is temporarily living with our family. She tends to sleep during the day while the rest of us are awake, so I am explaining how to use earplugs.)

Me: “Earplugs are like tampons: when you have them in right, you don’t feel them.”

Friend: “I’ve never used tampons.”

Me: “Oh, did you use pads?”

Friend: “Think about what you just said for a minute.”

Me: “Oh! I totally forgot that you weren’t born female!”

Friend: “Most. Awkward. Compliment. Ever.”

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Went To The Wrong Joint, Part 2

Friendly | February 14, 2014