(I’m hanging out with two of my friends at the mall, both whom are a lesbian couple. We’re eating at the food court and Friend #1 playfully shoves a spoonful of ice cream in her girlfriend’s face. At the table next to us, an older man and woman make noises of disgust and the man starts grumbling.)

Man: “Disgusting.”

Woman: “Hell sure is getting full these days.”

(My friends immediately sober from humiliation and fall silent.)

Me: “GOD-D*****!”

(Several people look over as I shout that as loudly as I can and stand up, facing the couple expectantly. They both stare at me.)

Man: “What?!”

Me: “Well?”

Woman: “Well, what!?”

Me: “I blasphemed the Lord. Aren’t you going to put me to death?”

Man: “What!?”

Me: “Leviticus 24:16, anyone who blasphemes the Lord must be put to death. The entire assembly is to stone them. HEAR THAT!? ALL OF YOU GET OVER HERE AND HELP THESE PEOPLE KILL ME!”

Man: “Shut up! Are you nuts? You trying to get us arrested?”

Me: “It’s only fair. Since you so dutifully follow the bible as to condemn my two friends here for being gay, it’s only right you follow the rest of it. I blasphemed; now you gotta stone me. Here, want me to look up the verse to prove it?”

(I pull out my phone. By this point, the whole food court has gone silent staring at us.)

Woman: “We’re not going to kill you!”

Me: “That would be violating God’s laws. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

Woman: *sputters*

Man: “Murder is freaking illegal!”

Me: “So is discrimination. Most of the Old Testament rules were either made useless thanks to the New Testament, or are heavily illegal these days. So if you so-called believers are going to pick and choose which old, obsolete rules you’re going to follow just because you’re cowardly hacks, expect to be ridiculed in return. So you know, all three of us are Christians. God’s supposed to be forgiving and love everyone. Maybe you should learn something from that.”

(I pick up our lunches and move myself and my friends to another table. The couple stays put, but soon leaves thanks to the dozens of angry glares thrown their way.)

Friend #1: “[My Name], holy s***, that was insane!”

Me: “I knew memorizing all that would come in handy someday.”

(My dad and I are going to a movie at a busy time of the day. There are only a few parking spots available, so everybody is searching for them. We finally find one and turn our turn signal on to claim the spot as the driver leaving the spot gets ready.)

Me: “Hey, look, there is a spot!”

(My dad waits for driver to leave. It takes about a minute.)

Dad: “Finally. I thought he would never leave.”

(Starts to pull in, but a minivan pulls right in front of us.)

Dad: “Hey! What are you doing!?”

Lady In Van: “This is my spot! I have been waiting here forever! Maybe you should wait your turn!”

(She had not been at the spot at all.)

Dad: “Yeah! Screw you, lady!”

(We speed off to find another spot, and I cannot stop laughing about what happened. We find one and head inside to meet my mom, and we see the lady in front of us in line.)

Mom: “What took you so long?”

Dad: “Some b**** took my spot in the parking lot. I keyed her car.”

(He didn’t actually key her car, but he wanted to freak her out. She quickly hurried to check on her car!)

(I am driving one day with my dad in the passenger seat. We stop at a stop light and witness a woman, who has also stopped at the red light, get out of her car, pop open her trunk, grab a beer, and climb back into the driver’s seat.)

Dad: “And that is why I’m scared to drive on the roads these days.”

(I’m talking to one of my favorite kids. He was adopted and so was I, so we’ve always gotten along really well. He’s known to say hilarious things.)

Boy: “How old are you?”

Me: “I’ll be 18 next week.”

Boy: “How old are you REALLY?”

Me: “17. But I’ll be an adult next time you see me.”

Boy: *eyes bug out* “18 is a grown up?”

Me: “Yep!”

Boy: “You’re killing me!”

Me: “Why is that?”

Boy: “Because you’ll be OLD!”

(My college has vending machines all over. Having forgotten my lunch, and the food there being rather expensive, I decide to buy a bag of chips before my last class of the day. However, when I try to get a bag of cheese puffs, the bag has gotten stuck. Since I get my refund back, and I REALLY wanted cheese puffs, I put my money back in, and try again… with the same result. A couple other students have noticed and watched.)

Student: “Oh, bad luck! Are you going to try again?”

Me: *putting the change back in the machine* “Might as well.”

(Once again, the cheese puffs ALMOST fall, but still stay. At this point, there are three bags there that are on the verge of falling.)

Other Student: “Man, I’m invested in this! Just one more time ought to do it!”

(I put my coins in once again, and finally all three bags fell out. The other students cheer.)

Me: “Hey, you guys want some?”

Student: “Sure, why not?”

Other Student: “Yeah! Man, you made my day!”

(I gave them the other bags, and took the last one over to my corner. Guys, I’m so glad you were so happy over my vending adventures. You made me happy, too.)