Order Up A Hot Slice Of Irony

| Friendly | February 10, 2014

(My friend and I are walking around town to get some food. There is an eye care place on the street that we are on.)

Friend: *laughs* “What do they serve at the eye cafe?”

Me: “That says ‘care’ not ‘cafe.'”

Friend: “Oh…”

Me: “Yeah. Maybe you should go in while I get the food.”

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Not Quite The Breakfast Of Champions

| Friendly | February 10, 2014

(I wake up for a night out and find my bed COVERED in kebab remnants. Since I hate kebab I wake up my friend, who is crashed out on my floor, to work out how this happened.)

Me: “Dude! Why am I covered in kebab?”

Friend: *hungover* “Whaaa?”

Me: “Why. Am. I. Wearing. Your. Kebab?”

Friend: “Well I put it between you and the radiator so it would still be warm when I woke up hungry. Didn’t guess you’d be such a restless sleeper.”

(I am contemplating what is most gross about this, out of my friend thinking far enough ahead to try to keep his food warm, or the fact he could eat kebab for breakfast, or the fact I ended up sleeping in said kebab. I start picking the bits of kebab off of me and lean over to reach for the wastepaper basket.)

Friend: “No! STOP! [My Name], what are you doing?!”

Me: “I’m just cleaning mys—”

Friend: “NO!”

(My friend grabs all the bits of kebab-pyjama I’ve gathered back into the wrapper and starts to eat them.)

Me: “I have no words right now.”

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The Friendship Of Depreciating Returns

| Friendly | February 9, 2014

(A friend and roommate is upset at me one night and I have no idea why. I finally ask her.)

Roommate: “You haven’t been making me feel good about myself often enough!”

Me: “What?!”

Roommate: *serious* “I need constant appreciation!”

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A Slight Wrankle

| Friendly | February 8, 2014

Friend: “I’m pretty sure all of the joints are called ankles. Seriously, what do you call this?” *points at her wrist* “Hand ankles!”

Me: “You mean wrists?”

Friend: “…how did I…”

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Can’t Hang Out With The Doppelgang

| Friendly | February 7, 2014

(I have had to miss out on catching up with friends due to a hockey tournament. While we aren’t playing, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Friend: “Where’d you go?!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Friend: “I just turned round and you’d vanished! And now everyone’s laughing.” *takes phone away from her mouth, but I can still hear her* “Is she hiding behind you?” *back to me* “Can you stop pratting about? Where are you?”

Me: “Not there.”

Friend: “Yes, I worked that bit.”

Me: “I wasn’t there. I’m at the—”

Friend: “Hockey tournament.”

(There is silence. Then I hear, just before she hangs up:)


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