Doesn’t Know What She Is Talking About

| Friendly | April 1, 2014

(A few months ago my former best friend decided to stop talking to me because she didn’t like my boyfriend, who she had introduced me to. She said she could only see us being friends if he wasn’t in the picture. When she told me this, she listed the things she didn’t like about him, which were all things that she had said and done to me that I put up with for years. Recently I was taking the train to my boyfriend’s house when we run into each other. Note: this is the first time she has spoken to me in about 3 months.)

Friend: “Hey! How are you?”

Me: “I’m doing well. You?”

Friend: “I’m all right. What are you up to?”

Me: “Not much. I’m working and waiting to hear back from grad schools. You?”

Friend: “Yeah, I’m waiting to hear back from my schools, too. Hey, if we go to school in the same area we should room together! You know, if we’re talking by then.”

Me: “…”

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Nothing As Strange As Strangers

| Friendly | March 31, 2014

(I am in a student lounge, packing up my stuff to go to my next class, when a guy sits down in the chair next to me, unfortunately, right in front of the plug where my computer is plugged in. He is on the phone.)

Guy: “I’m just so done, man. I just- I need to be free.”

Me: *quietly* “Excuse me? Could you move your chair forward a bit?”

(He does without incident.)

Guy: “I’m like an animal. I’m a dolphin. Except I don’t rape people. That’s not cool. And I don’t smell bad. Though my mouth is kinda like a blowhole…”

(Reluctantly, I walk away…)

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These Are The Friends You Are Looking For

| Friendly | March 31, 2014

(Some friends and I are hanging out and talking in the student center as it gets close to closing time. One of them, the only guy, checks his phone and notices it’s almost dead.)

Friend #1: “Does anyone have their iPhone charger? I’m at two percent.”

Friend #2: *hold up phone* “Droid.”

Me: “Droid.”

Friend #3: “Droid.”

Friend #1: *mildly frustrated* “Effin’ droids.”

Me: “We are not the droids you’re looking for.”

(Friend #2 starts laughing while Friend #1 jokingly points to the door.)

Friend #1: “Get out.”

Friend #2: *still laughing* “No, she stays.”

Friend #1: “Out.”

Friend #2: “Stay.”

Friend #3: “She can stay. I’m the tie-breaker.”

Me: “Case closed. Bring in the dancing lobsters.”

Friend #3: “Okay, now you actually can stay.”

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Best Not Trouble Your Head About It

| Friendly | March 31, 2014

(The day before Independence Day, while I am shopping, a sign falls and gives me a concussion. My friend makes sure I go to the ER. In other news, I decided to get a pixie cut 29 days later. Everyone raves about how great it looks, which surprises me since I had medium-long hair before. I’m especially surprised by my friend, who had previously told me to NEVER go shoulder-length or shorter. On this day, we are walking in the mall by the store where I got the concussion.)

Me: “It feels so weird to have short hair. I mean, I’ve thought about it before, but until my stylist disagreed with my claim that I wouldn’t look good with short hair, I didn’t know differently. I don’t know what came over me.”

Friend: *looking significantly at the store* “… A blow to the head?”

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Man’s Best Tax Break

| Friendly | March 30, 2014

(I am reading about unusual laws.)

Me: “It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.”

Friend: *gasp* “A dog isn’t property. It’s family.”

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