(I passed my driving test recently, and use my car to drive from home to work through our small town, a drive of only three miles. I and a friend are going on a weekend trip.)

Me: “[Name] is letting me borrow his sat-nav, so I’m willing to try and drive us there.”

Friend #1: “Oh, excellent! I’ve asked [Friend #2] if she wants to go, too…”

Me: “Uh… okay…”

Friend #1: “But she wants to have a day out with her mum. So I said she could come with us, too! You’re fine driving her mum too, right? It’s ok if not.” *none of them can drive*

Me: “Uh, no. I was already pretty nervous about just driving us two, but a car full of people? Someone’s mother? Who I barely know and doesn’t seem to like me much? I’m sorry, but no.”

Friend #1: “Oh. I kind of already offered. So you can do it, right?”

(Yeah, we didn’t end up going on that trip.)

(A friend and I are playing a video game that takes place in Mexico and there are many un-subtitled scenes of people speaking in Spanish. We are at one such cut-scene.)

Friend: “Subtitles, please! I don’t speak Italian!”

(I’m in a grocery store buying an over-the-counter topical analgesic. I’m in a pretty bad mood.)

Random Stranger: “You need to smile.”

Me: “Huh?”

Random Stranger: “You’re bringing me down. Smile, d*** it.”

Me: “Sorry.”

(I start to walk towards the registers.)

Random Stranger: *steps in front of me* “I’m not letting you leave till you smile.”

Me: “I’m really not in the mood for this. Please move.”

Random Stranger: “SMILE, D*** IT!”

Me: *after a few seconds* “I’ve had two deaths in my family in the last 24 hours, my shoulder hurts so bad I can barely lift my arm, and I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday. I think that if I don’t feel like smiling at the moment that I have the right not to. I’m not sure I could right now even if I wanted to, and I think it’s pretty f****** rude for some random stranger to demand I do and yell at me about it. Now kindly Get. Out. Of. My. Way.”

(She looked guilty and scurried off. I bought my analgesic and got my shoulder taken care of, at least.)

(A coworker and I often discuss Marvel characters, and we’ve both recently seen the second Avengers film. She also knows I have a younger brother and sister who are twins.)

Me: “It’s the twins’ birthday today!”

Coworker: *laughs* “You geek!”

Me: *confused* “…What?”

Coworker: “Oh, you mean your siblings. Nice!”

Me: “Did you think I meant Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch?”

Coworker: “…Yeah.”

Me: “And you call ME a geek!”

(I’m with the boy I used to babysit. We’re sitting in my basement, playing next to a couch.)

Child: “I want to play something.”

Me: “What do you want to play?”

Child: “Save the Princess.”

Me: *thinking that’s adorable* “Sure.”

Child: “Okay, I’m gonna go by myself.”

(He then proceeds to go behind the couch, and starts making noises that mimic a battle. He does this for around two minutes. He then comes back out.)

Me: “Did you save the Princess?”

Child: *looking like I’m nuts* “NO!”

Me: “Why not?”

Child: “She way too old – like, 30. So I put her in a box and sliced her up!”

(At that point, his dad came over to pick him up. I tell the dad the story.)

Father: “That’s terrible!”

Me: “I know.”

Father: “Yeah, [Son], 30 isn’t that old at all.”