A Fort-ful Father

| Friendly | January 31, 2014

(My friends and I are sharing a pizza. My friends are thinking about starting a family, and we we’re chatting about it.)

Female Friend: “What are we going to do if we have kids? What are the kids going to do?”

Male Friend: “I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I know what they’re going to do and I know what I’m going to do.”

Female Friend: “What’s that?”

Male Friend: “They’re going to build forts out of our extra sheets and furniture in the dining room.”

Me: “Sure, sounds about right. And what are you going to do?”

Male Friend: “I’m going to stock up on tennis balls so that I can bomb their fort.”

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Cool Uncles Are A Hit

| Friendly | January 31, 2014

(I am speaking with a guitar player in my band. He is in his fifties, African-American, and works in heating and cooling. I am eighteen, Caucasian, female, and single. I’m about to leave for college in a few weeks.)

Band Member: “So, sister, are you taking the car to school with you?” *nods toward my mom’s car*

Me: “No, I’m going without a car for my first semester.”

Band Member: “Well, just let me know if you need a ride! Remember that nice car I got?”

Me: “Aw, that’s so sweet!”

Band Member: “It’s a nice little smooth black car! You could borrow it, sister, and impress your date with it. You can tell him it’s from your uncle, and that your uncle’s a hit-man, so he’d better bring both you and the car back in one piece.”

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Your Friends Can Desert You

| Friendly | January 31, 2014

(I am eight years old. I’m at a friend’s house, where there is a ‘eat everything on your plate’ rule. For dinner we have several veggies I don’t like. I can’t make myself eat them but I’m worried about seeming rude. My friend notices that I haven’t touched the veggies.)

Friend: “I really like carrots, so I can eat yours if you want. And since you don’t like peas, I can take them as well.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I spoon my veggies onto her plate, and several minutes pass.)

Friend’s Mom: “Alright, now that everyone is done dinner, it’s time for dessert.”

Friend: “[My Name] didn’t finish her dinner! I ate all her vegetables! She doesn’t get dessert, because she didn’t finish and I should get two desserts!”

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The Hungry Dead

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(We’re having a marathon of seasons of ‘The Walking Dead’ to refresh our minds for the premier. My girlfriend is there, as well as a mutual friend of ours and a friend of mine who has not met my girlfriend before. It’s just passed a particularly gory scene at the end of one of the episodes.)

Girlfriend: “Who’s hungry?”

Me: *laughing “We could order a pizza?”

Mutual Friend: “Sounds good to me!”

Friend: *to my girlfriend* “How can you even THINK about eating after seeing that?”

Girlfriend: “Why are you only asking me that question?”

Friend: “Because you’re the only girl in the room.”

Girlfriend: *smiling* “Oh so you’re just being rude, then?”

Friend: “Well, usually women get grossed out by that.”

Girlfriend: “Do I look grossed out by that?”

Me: *to friend* “Hey, man just relax. And no, don’t assume I’m siding with her cause she’s my girlfriend I’m siding with her because she’s right, you are being rude.”

Girlfriend: *staring at the image on the screen* “Hey does that look like sausage links to you guys?”

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Opposites Attract Confusion

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(My best friend and I are an odd pair, and have no interest in dating each other. However, when we are out in public, people tend to assume we’re dating. We’ve come up with a way to say why we aren’t if they ask, because there are many factors. One day, during dinner, a woman walks up to us.)

Woman: “You two are, like, so cute! How long have you been dating?”

Best Friend: “Oh, we’re not dating. We’re just friends.”

Woman: “Oh, why not? You’d be so cute together.”

Me: “Well, first of all, he’s forty.”

Best Friend: “And she’s twenty.”

Me: “He’s gay.”

Best Friend: “She’s asexual.”

Me: “He has a boyfriend.”

Best Friend: “And she just doesn’t want one.”

Woman: “So, wait, I don’t get it. You two would be so cute together. I don’t understand why you aren’t.”

(My best friend and I exchange dumbfounded looks, not sure how to make her go away. Luckily, after a small pause, she wanders off. I have to say, that’s the first and only time that explanation hasn’t worked.)

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