Family Value Vs. Dollar Value

| Friendly | April 7, 2014

(My best friend’s father-in-law has passed away. We are at the viewing before the funeral. My best friend’s two-year-old daughter, my goddaughter, can very shy sometimes and has learned I will bribe her with a quarter speak to me.)

Me: “Hey, [Goddaughter]. Can I have a hug?”

Goddaughter: *shakes her head and hides behind her dad*

Me: “If you give me a hug…” *realizing I have no change* “…I’ll give you a dollar!”

Goddaughter: “Okay!” *runs over and hugs me*

(I pull out my wallet and give her my last dollar. At that point, a very attractive woman, who my best friend works with, walks up. She has seen the whole interaction.)

Attractive Woman: *laughing* “I want a dollar.”

Me: “Um, [Goddaughter], can I have my dollar back?”

Goddaughter: “No!” *runs away*

(My best friend starts laughing at my misfortune.)

Me: “Don’t laugh. Your daughter is learning to give affection to men for money.”

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ATM Is A Hamburglar

, | Friendly | April 5, 2014

(My best friend and I are hanging out in his dorm room up at college. It is getting late, approaching dinner time.)

Me: “Man, I’m getting hungry. I kinda don’t wanna go to the student union, though…”

Best Friend: “Yeah, me neither.”

Me: “We could go drive around and look for a good place to eat off-campus. See what’s available.”

Best Friend: “Aw, man… I’d love to, but I don’t have any cash on me right now and all I have is an ATM card. All the banks are probably closed by now.”

Me: “There’s an ATM in the lobby, though, isn’t there?”

Best Friend: “Yeah, but that’s not my bank! They charge an extra three bucks to use it if you’re not with them! That’s like, a hamburger or something! I don’t wanna waste my money…”

Me: “Yeah, OK. I get what you’re saying. Never mind that then.”

(We talk a little more, and decided that, despite wanting to get off-campus, we’ll just go to the student union after all. As we walk out of the halls and into the dorm building’s lobby, we pass by the aforementioned ATM.)


(Needless to say, the girl at the front desk gave us some very strange looks as we left!)

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G, You’re Being Mean!

| Friendly | April 5, 2014

(During lunch, a group of five of my friends are chatting and eating. Another friend walks up.)

Guy: “Hey, what’s up?”

Girl: *the joker of the group* “Hey!” *pointing at each one of us sitting* “This is an A, B, C, D, E conversation so why don’t you F your way out!”

(She immediately turns red and everyone looks shocked before we all start laughing.)

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Sobering Judgement

| Friendly | April 4, 2014

(I am sitting our local coffee shop giant using the internet when I overhear three people talking about their previous night, laughing aloud.)

Person #1: “Yeah, man, I got SOOOO wasted last night at [Restaurant]!”

Person #2: *to Person #3* “Yeah, man. You got so drunk you were swerving all over the road while driving!”

Person #3: “I did? Haha, I must have been awesome!”

(At this point I look up at them with my eyebrow raised, and they take notice.)

Person #2: “Oh, look, she is judging you!” *they start laughing like it is some big joke*

Person #3: “Whoops!”

(All three are expecting me to join in and joke, when I speak up.)

Me: “Actually, my mother was hit by a drunk driver and is missing teeth, has scars, and couldn’t walk for the better of two years. So, yeah, I am judging you.”

(The atmosphere grows silent, and they eventually move away from me, whining about my judgmental attitude. For the record, despite no teeth and horrid lawyers, she is doing so much better!)

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Face The Bully And Face The Music

, | Friendly | April 4, 2014

(I’m on a bus going to sport with my school. The bus driver has the radio on and my favourite 80’s song ‘Electric Dreams’ starts playing.)

Me: *to my friend next to me* “Oh, my God, I love this song so much!”

Some Kid Sitting At The Front: “Shut the f*** up! Nobody cares about you or the song.”

Me: *to the kid* “You shut up, and I care about the song. And now, for being rude, I will sing the song out loud.”

(I quiet down while the intro is still playing as conflict never makes me feel great. But I notice that the song gets louder and I realise that the bus driver has turned it up for me. I do sing the song at the top of my lungs and no one stops me. I thank the bus driver when I leave and have a smile on my face for the rest of the day!)

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