(A brief snippet of conversation from my bible study group:)

Leader: “So how is the proper way for us to pray?”

Girl: “You do the exact opposite of what Whoopi Goldberg did in Sister Act.”

(I live with a couple of roommates that I met online. Roommate #1 is an extremely easy going guy, and owns the house. Roommate #2 is a woman a little younger than I am. She likes a lot of cutesy things, like Disney and anime. She and I get along less and less, until one day this conversation happens when our Internet has gone out for about a day.)

Roommate #1: “Hey, our Internet is out. If you want, though, you can try resetting the modem, because we have NOT done that yet.”

Me: “If by ‘not done that yet’ you mean ‘we’ve done it several times’ then no, we haven’t thought to try it at all.”

Roommate #2: “We could do without your sarcasm.”

Me: “I can’t help it! It’s who I am!

Roommate #2:” Yeah, and you’re also the kind of person to [brings up a thing I said about her a while back].”

Me: “That was two months ago! And I’ve said REPEATEDLY that I was sorry, AND tried to make it up to you multiple times! Get over it already!”

Roommate #2: “Yeah, well, that put you on my ‘hate forever’ list!”

(A couple of minutes later, Roommate #1 and #2 go up to talk. I’m not usually one for Disney songs, but the opportunity was just too good to leave it alone.)

Me: *as loudly and melodically as I can* “LET IT GOOO! LET IT GOOO!!”

Roommate #2: “GO TO HELL!”

(I’m about 17 at the time and I’m waiting with a couple of friends for some of our other friends after school at a train/bus station so we can go hang out at an arcade when a local stoner who most us know wanders up to us.)

Stoner: “Heeeey man, do you have, like, 50 cents you could spare?”

Me: “I think so”

(My friends ignore him but I look through my coins and see that I have no 50s so I give him $2, thinking it is a bus fare.)

Stoner: “Thanks, girly, you have good karma.”

(He then wanders off towards town.)

Me: “Ummm, okie dokie, then.”

Friend #1: “[My Name], I think you just gave him drug money.”

Me: “Wait, what! It was only $2! How much could he possibly get with $2?”

Friend #2: “You’d be surprised.”

Me: “Well, s***.”

(I’m at my friend’s house, playing with her two daughters, who are six and nine. We’re playing with their dolls when the older daughter suddenly drops her toy and looks at me very seriously.)

Older Daughter: “Can I tell you something? Are you good at not being surprised by weird things?”

Me: “Yeah, of course.”

Older Daughter: “I’m comforted by the thought of being eaten by tarantulas.”

Younger Daughter: *cheerfully chiming in* “I like dying in car crashes!”

(I passed my driving test recently, and use my car to drive from home to work through our small town, a drive of only three miles. I and a friend are going on a weekend trip.)

Me: “[Name] is letting me borrow his sat-nav, so I’m willing to try and drive us there.”

Friend #1: “Oh, excellent! I’ve asked [Friend #2] if she wants to go, too…”

Me: “Uh… okay…”

Friend #1: “But she wants to have a day out with her mum. So I said she could come with us, too! You’re fine driving her mum too, right? It’s ok if not.” *none of them can drive*

Me: “Uh, no. I was already pretty nervous about just driving us two, but a car full of people? Someone’s mother? Who I barely know and doesn’t seem to like me much? I’m sorry, but no.”

Friend #1: “Oh. I kind of already offered. So you can do it, right?”

(Yeah, we didn’t end up going on that trip.)