(My friend has suffered from IBS since she was a child. She has had to put up with people accusing her of putting on or of being anorexic for years. As such, I was a little surprised by some of her notions.)

Friend: *seeing me rubbing my stomach* “You have a stomach ache?”

Me: “Just cramping a bit today.”

Friend: “You know cramps are psychological, right?”

Me: “What? No, they aren’t.”

Friend: “Yes they are. It’s societal conditioning. Women are convinced they should be cramping when they start their periods.”

Me: “Then why did it take me two years to start cramping, and how have I psychologically convinced myself to get so sick I throw up every month?”

Friend: “Well, I’m just tired of women using cramps as an excuse not to do things or to get sympathy.”

(This was what she had heard about her medical condition her whole life!)

(I am in fourth grade. I am attending a classmate’s birthday party and it proceeds without any incidents. When it’s time for my dad to pick me up, he checks with me how it was.)

Me: “It was a great sex party!”

Dad: “…”

Classmate’s Mom: “We didn’t have that sort of party, but everyone had a lot of fun.”

(When me and my dad sit in the car he asks me this:)

Dad: “So, do you have any idea what sex is?”

Me: “Nope.”

Dad: “Sex is when a man and a woman are making babies.”

Me: “Oh, then we didn’t have a sex party, but it was still fun!”

(It is May 1995 and I am going through MEPS, on my way to boot camp. I am placed in a hotel room with another woman who is going through processing. While chatting, she mentions her husband and that he is former military.)

Woman: “He really pissed off the people at the federal building last month.”

Me: “How’d he do that?”

Woman: “He threw on one of his old military shirts without really considering what it said. He couldn’t figure out why everyone was glaring at him, until he looked down at his shirt.”

Me: “What was on it?”

Woman: “‘When it absolutely positively has to be blown up yesterday.’ It was April 20th…”

Me: “The day after the Oklahoma City bombing?”

Woman: “He felt like such a jerk!”

(It is the same day that my best friend had broken up with her boyfriend. She rides the same bus as I do. My eight-year-old brother has a huge crush on her and she would usually sit next to him on the bus.)

Little Brother: “You can’t sit next to me ’cause we’re not lovers anymore!”

(She changes seats, to where I’m sitting near the back.)

Best Friend: “Both my boyfriends just broke up with me.”

Me: *laughing* “Don’t worry. I’ll tell this story at his wedding.”

(My best friend and I are driving in my car. My car can only play music on the radio, and I always listen to music while driving. My best friend has a new obsession…)

Best Friend: *as a certain Maroon 5 song comes on* “You know, I know they’re saying ‘just like cannibals, cannibals, like cannibals’ but I swear every I hear it they’re saying ‘Hannibals.'”

Me: *pulls up to a stop light, and take the moment to stare at her incredulously*

Best Friend: “…What?”

Me: “Animals. Just like ANIMALS.”

Best Friend: “…Oh.”

(I could understand her hearing Hannibal, but where did she get the hard ‘C’ from?)