(I’m helping clean up after our group’s weekly meeting. I go to help a friend put some things in the closet when we both realize that we need to get to the shelves in the back and there are three giant beanbags blocking our way in that are too heavy for us to move. To get to the back, we’d have to awkwardly scale them while balancing a coffee maker, coffee, and several other fixings to get to the other side.)

Friend: *to me* “Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.”

Me: “I don’t volunteer… Make Prim do it…”

(My friend and I are meeting to hang out at a nearby coffee shop and right when we are about to go inside, a man on the sidewalk suddenly stops and stares at my chest.)

Man: *to my friend, not me, and pointing to my chest* “D***! She’s got GREAT boobs!”

(Flattering, I guess, but… wow.)

(My friend is getting married and has a very dark sense of humor. He’s discussing his wedding plans with me.)

Friend: “I was thinking of having the Joker and Harley Quinn as toppers for the wedding cake, but unfortunately, the bakery didn’t have anything like that and [Fiancé] hates Harley Quinn, so I guess that’s out.”

Me: “It’s just as well. Seeing that the Joker brainwashed Harley and beats her on a regular basis, you probably don’t want to send that kind of message at your wedding.”

(There is a woman on the bus that has been talking on her phone since she got on three stops ago.)

Woman: *talking loudly, oblivious to the people glaring at her*

Passenger: *phone rings*

Woman: *glares at other passenger*

Passenger: *looking directly into the woman’s eyes* “Hey, Josh. I’m on the bus and it’s rude to bother people by having loud phone conversations. I’ll call you back when I get home.”

(The woman turned bright red while several of the other passengers laughed.)

(I have a friend who’s really nice, but she doesn’t always think before she speaks.  It is New Year’s Eve. She’d been to our house for NYE parties before, and the menu was usually pretty much the same: chicken fingers, veggies and dip, cheese and crackers, chips, nuts, etc. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Her: “Hi!  This is [Friend]. [Husband], [Sons], and I will be at your house soon for the party. We just wanted to get some dinner first.”

Me: “Dinner? Why? We’ve got lots to eat here.”

Her: “Well, yes, but I don’t want my kids filling up on all that junk food. We’re going to take them to [Fast Food Place] to get some burgers and fries.”

Me: “…”

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