Listening To The Voice Of Unreason

| Friendly | January 21, 2014

(I’m living with my two best friends; we’ve just moved into a new apartment. One day, I swear I hear voices coming from the dishwasher. Both of my friends think I’m bonkers, and we all drop the subject. A few months later, I’m sitting in the living room doing homework, while my bestie is telling me about her day and unloading groceries.)

Bestie: “There’s enough here to…” *tapers off into silence*

(I look up to see my bestie making a really strange face while edging away from the dishwasher.)

Me: “YOU HEAR THEM TOO!”

Bestie: *wide eyed* “I seriously just thought the voices were one of those strange things I accepted about you for the sake of our friendship. Like your mismatched socks and love of trashy romance novels.”

Me: “Yeah, but voices?”

Bestie: “Definitely hearing voices.”

Me: “Yay friendship!”

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Keeping Everything Happy Hour

| Friendly | January 21, 2014

(We have several people over for a New Year’s Eve party and need to choose a movie. Since no one can decide, I pick ‘The Avengers.’ I know most people like it, and hope our one friend who hates sci-fi will just accept it as a superhero movie. Unfortunately, he doesn’t. After watching the movie…)

Friend #1: “Well, that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back!”

Me: *starting to seethe*

Friend #2: “Yeah, but, if you think about it, every two hours is two hours you’ll never get back.”

Friend #1: *laughs* “That’s true!”

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They Wheely Need The Wine

Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am taking my four-year-old daughter and her friend to the store for some quick groceries. They are singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus,’ and are making up their own words.)

Daughter & Friend: “The mommies on the bus go, ‘Aaah! I need wine!'”

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A Dad’s Joke Is Always Dated

, , , , , | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(A friend of mine walks in and gets in my line. His ex-wife and he live close by each other, and he gets to see his daughter on his scheduled weekends, but also throughout the week if he’s not busy.)

Me: “How are you doing today?”

Friend: “Oh, not too bad. I have a date with a cute red-head this afternoon.”

Me: *knowing he is talking about his daughter* “Oh really? What do you have planned for today?”

Friend: “I don’t know. I think we’re gonna go to the park and let her ride her bike around, and then go get some lunch.”

Me: “Sounds good! Hope you guys have fun!”

(My friend wishes me a good day, and heads out the door. My next customer walks up.)

Customer: “It sounds like he’s going on a date with a four year old.”

Me: “Actually, she’s six!”

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Vintage Trolling

Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My dad loves teasing people. Almost everyone who knows us knows this, but newcomers are sometimes never sure if they should take him seriously. One of our good family friends has just gotten married.)

Friend #1: *to his wife* “Don’t worry; he’s just trolling you.”

My Dad: *grins unrepentantly* “I’ve been trolling people since before it was called trolling!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, back then we just called them a**-holes.”

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