(I have three best friends and one is a girl. We treat her like one of the guys and we often engage in playful banter with her.)
Friend: “What are you, five?”
Me: “Yeah, five inches inside your mother.”
Friend: “You act as if you have five inches.”
Me: “I measured; it’s actually six.”
Friend: “You’re supposed to look on the inches side, not centimeters.”
(My mother lives on her own, and sometimes I come stay with her to keep her company. When I do, I usually make a trip to the grocery store that is about five blocks away, but have to walk due to being unable to drive. On this particular day, it is over 90 degrees Fahrenheit outside and almost 50% humidity. I didn’t want to go out particularly but we absolutely needed some stuff.)
Me: *walks along the road with three large bags of groceries and two packages of paper products* “I only joked about this, but I’m seriously thinking I might actually hitchhike.”
(I continue to walk and struggle with my groceries, and suddenly a sedan drives slowly past me and stops a few feet away. I think nothing of it, but as I pass the side, the driver rolls the window down.)
Woman: “How far ya goin?”
Me: *blinks in confusion* “Uh, just a couple more blocks down the road. It’s not far.”
Woman: “Well, I’m going that way too. Hop in.”
Me: *incredulous* “What?”
Woman: “Hop in. It’s hot, it’s humid, and you are out here struggling with way more than you can carry. I’ll drive you home.”
Me: *stunned and near tears* “Thank you so much.”
(I get into the car and set my groceries down, and as soon as the door closes she drives off as I get my seatbelt fastened.)
Woman: “So, how far?”
Me: “Uh, the next right. I live in the cul-de-sac.”
Woman: *pulls up right in front of my mother’s house* “There you go.”
Me: *gathering my stuff* “Thank you so much! If you don’t mind waiting a couple minutes, I can run inside and get you some money.”
Woman: “Naw, hun, it was the right thing to do. You and your mother take care.” *rolls window up and drives away*
(It wasn’t until I had gotten inside that I realized we didn’t give each other our names. Ma’am, if you are reading this, thank you so much for driving me home! My family and I really appreciated you going out of your way to help a stupid 20-something kid get home out of the heat.)
(I am walking to work at the local mall, and my mind is a million miles away. As I approach the restaurant next door to my store, a white-garbed figure suddenly launches itself at me from the shadows. It’s my friend who works at the restaurant, but I don’t realize it at first.)
Friend: “FRIENDSHIP ATTACK!”
Me: *screams*
Friend: *cracks up laughing*
Me: *calming down some, chuckling weakly* “Dude, I have anxiety issues. Don’t do that!”
Friend: “Aw, I’m sorry.” *hugs me* “Consider it a survival training exercise! You’re still alive after being scared half to death!”
(I’m on Skype, asking some writing buddies for advice for a novel I’m writing. I’m currently in the midst of typing up the next chapter when my cat jumps up and walks on the keyboard. I notice that she managed to step on just the right combination of letters to type out something rude.)
Me: “Guys, I don’t think my cat likes your suggestions.”
Friend #1: “What makes you think that?”
Me: “Because she actually just stepped on the keyboard in just the right way to type a penis in the middle of [Character]’s death scene.”
Friend #2: “I think that’s her way of saying ‘add more cats.'”
(Four friends and I are hanging out in the park. We somehow start talking about face shape.)
Friend #1: “[Friend #2], your face is round, but [Friend #3]’s face is rounder.”
Friend #3: “No, my face is oval!”
(Friend #3 starts stroking and pushing down the sides of her face with both hands.)
Me: “[Friend #3], what are you doing?”
Friend #3: “I’m ovulating!”
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Friend #3: *blushing* “No! Wait! I mean, I’m making my face more oval shaped!”
