Winging It Can Be Armful

| Friendly | March 21, 2014

(My friend and I are both working as lifeguards at a local reservoir. It’s a slow day at the swimming beach and we’re chatting while we wait for things to pick up. I’m watching the gulls and the geese walking around, and for some reason I’m wondering what it would be like if humans had wings instead of arms. My brain, however, comes out with something completely different.)

Me: “I wonder what it would be like if human beings only had two arms.”

Friend: “Something you want to tell me?”

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Open Mic, Open Feelings

| Friendly | March 21, 2014

(We are playing a game of ‘SingStar,’ in which I am discovering the second mic has connection issues. It picks up some sounds, but not others.)

Me: *putting the mic down* “Gah, sorry. No way I can continue with this. The mic’s going nuts. It’s not registering half the notes.”

(My friend picks the mic up and makes a noise into it. Since it’s only a loose connection and not broken, it picks up some of the noise.)

Friend: “There’s nothing wrong with the mic. You’re just s***!”

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Big Bird Brained

| Friendly | March 21, 2014

(After our 8th grade semi-formal, five of us have a sleepover. Since we’d been acting like adults all night, the next morning we decided to regress and watch ‘Sesame Street,’ which none of us had seen since about kindergarten.)

Friend #1: *to all of us* “So who was your favorite character?”

Me: “I always liked Grover. And the Count! Ah ah ah!”

Friend #2: “C is for cookie!”

Friend #3: “I liked Big Bert best.”

(We are rather puzzled by that answer.)

Friend #1: “Uhhh… do you mean Bert, or Big Bird?”

Friend #3: “Not Bert, Big Bert!”

Friend #4: “Um, [Friend #3], there’s only Big Bird. You know, eight-feet tall, with feathers?”

Friend #3: “No, that’s Big Bert. There’s Bert and Big Bert. They’re both yellow. Why would they call a big bird Big Bird? That’s silly. It’s like calling you Blonde Girl or something.”

(It took finding an old Sesame Street book in the basement and showing her ‘Big Bird’ printed on the page before she believed us!)

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My Knight In Shining Armor

| Friendly | March 20, 2014

(My children’s school is having a medieval festival day. I happen to own a full suit of shiny metal armor and have agreed to wear it to the school for the day, along with bringing some other assorted medieval items for show and tell. I’m ferrying the items into the school in the morning, and I’m wearing the armor as I do so, as it’s easier than carrying it. As I head out for another load, a mother is walking towards the school with a baby in arms. I hold the door open for her, and she stops in the doorway and looks me up and down.)

Mother: “Where were you a couple of years ago?”

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Much Tattoo About Nothing

| Friendly | March 20, 2014

(My friend has convinced her mom to let her get a tattoo of the Tardis. They schedule the appointment a few weeks ago. On the morning she comes into school and starts ranting at me.)

Friend: “She’s being so selfish! My mom told me that because I went over on my phone bill I might have to make my tattoo smaller! This is so stupid. She won’t even listen to me! It’s just a bill. Like, it’s okay to just miss one or two of those. I think THIS is way more important, and she just refuses to see that!”

(I don’t know what she’ll do in a year when she has to handle real finances.)

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