Will Load It Up To Poo-Tube

| Friendly | March 26, 2014

(I observe a neighbor walking his dog while talking on a cellphone. The dog does his business on my lawn, and starts walking away. The neighbor starts walking away with him.)

Me: “Excuse me!”

Neighbor: *on phone* “Hang on, honey.” *to me* “Yeah, what?”

Me: “Your dog just left a pile on my lawn! Aren’t you going to pick it up?”

Neighbor: *looking at the pile* “That’s not from my dog! It’s too big! And he already did his business! Go to Hell!”

Me: “Well, lucky for me, I video recorded the whole thing on my phone. So unless you want a citation from the police, I suggest you pick it up.”

Neighbor: *taking out a handkerchief and picking up the mess* “A**-hole!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

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Lost In Translation, Or Just Plain Lost

| Friendly | March 26, 2014

(I am waiting with several other people for a long distance bus driving from Berlin to Luxembourg City. Some of them are chatting in French. A guy approaches me who seems to be travelling alone and who has been observing all the others around him.)

Guy: “Where is Luxembourg City?”

Me: “Um, Luxembourg City is located in Luxembourg.”

Guy: “What?!”

Me: “Well, ‘Luxembourg’ is the name of the country and its capital.”

Guy: “Uh-huh. And what language do they speak there?”

Me: “Besides Luxembourgish, also French and German.”

Guy: “Whaaat?! That’s weird! These people are so stupid.”

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Her Reading List Isn’t Super

| Friendly | March 26, 2014

(I sometimes take pictures at my cousin’s baseball games, partially just for fun and partially so that he, his sister, and her father can analyze his batting stance. Today, I happen to be wearing a Daily Planet t-shirt with ‘PRESS’ written on the back. After one of my shifts, a woman sitting nearby speaks up.)

Woman: “Oh, are you taking photos for the newspaper?”

Me: “Oh, no.”

(I turn so that she can see the front of my shirt, which is pretty clearly the fictional newspaper’s logo, and even has ‘copyright DC Comics’ under it.)

Woman: “The Daily Planet? Is that a paper from a different town?”

Me: “Yep, all the way in Metropolis!”

Woman: *seriously* “I’ve never heard of that place. But since you’re only taking pictures of one kid, it’s probably because you have a terrible newspaper!”

(The girl sitting next to her speaks up, looking bewildered.)

Girl: “Mom, seriously?”

Woman: “What?”

Girl: “You need to read more. Or watch more movies. Or pay more attention to what you buy [Brother]…”

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Did You Know Gullible Isn’t In The Dictionary?

| Friendly | March 25, 2014

(I ride on my university’s equestrian team, and we carpool to the barn for lessons. This conversation takes place between me and a girl from California.)

Girl: “So, [My Name], you’re from Alaska, right? Do you have penguins there?”

Me: “Uh…yeah, actually. Sometimes I run them over with my dog sled team.”

Girl: *gasps* “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, and our high school is a giant igloo, and the security guards are trained polar bears!”

Girl: “Wow!”

(I can no longer keep a straight face, and crack up)

Me: “Oh, my god! No, not really! It gets colder here than back home!”

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Some Very Random Flavors

| Friendly | March 25, 2014

Friend: “Hey, do you know what you taste like?”

Me: “… I don’t know. I never tried tasting myself.”

Friend: “Hmm… bet you taste like [Candy]. The regular kind, not the sour ones.” *goes back to what he was doing like nothing happened*

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