Opposites Attract Confusion

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(My best friend and I are an odd pair, and have no interest in dating each other. However, when we are out in public, people tend to assume we’re dating. We’ve come up with a way to say why we aren’t if they ask, because there are many factors. One day, during dinner, a woman walks up to us.)

Woman: “You two are, like, so cute! How long have you been dating?”

Best Friend: “Oh, we’re not dating. We’re just friends.”

Woman: “Oh, why not? You’d be so cute together.”

Me: “Well, first of all, he’s forty.”

Best Friend: “And she’s twenty.”

Me: “He’s gay.”

Best Friend: “She’s asexual.”

Me: “He has a boyfriend.”

Best Friend: “And she just doesn’t want one.”

Woman: “So, wait, I don’t get it. You two would be so cute together. I don’t understand why you aren’t.”

(My best friend and I exchange dumbfounded looks, not sure how to make her go away. Luckily, after a small pause, she wanders off. I have to say, that’s the first and only time that explanation hasn’t worked.)

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Driving Home The Bacon

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(My friend, a mechanic’s daughter, is driving on a cold winter morning with the rear window iced over.)

Friend: “I can’t see out the rear window.”

Me: “Use the rear window defroster.”

Friend: “I don’t have a rear window defroster!”

Me: “Sure you do. It’s this one here.”

Friend: *points to button* “You mean the one with the wavy lines?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Friend: “I thought that was a bacon maker, but I was too afraid to ask my dad where the bacon was supposed to go.”

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The Hungry Dead

| Friendly | January 30, 2014

(We’re having a marathon of seasons of ‘The Walking Dead’ to refresh our minds for the premier. My girlfriend is there, as well as a mutual friend of ours and a friend of mine who has not met my girlfriend before. It’s just passed a particularly gory scene at the end of one of the episodes.)

Girlfriend: “Who’s hungry?”

Me: *laughing “We could order a pizza?”

Mutual Friend: “Sounds good to me!”

Friend: *to my girlfriend* “How can you even THINK about eating after seeing that?”

Girlfriend: “Why are you only asking me that question?”

Friend: “Because you’re the only girl in the room.”

Girlfriend: *smiling* “Oh so you’re just being rude, then?”

Friend: “Well, usually women get grossed out by that.”

Girlfriend: “Do I look grossed out by that?”

Me: *to friend* “Hey, man just relax. And no, don’t assume I’m siding with her cause she’s my girlfriend I’m siding with her because she’s right, you are being rude.”

Girlfriend: *staring at the image on the screen* “Hey does that look like sausage links to you guys?”

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Needs To Cruci(Fix) His Sentence

| Friendly | January 29, 2014

(I’m at home talking to my friend. We get on the subject of Easter/Good Friday/Passover.)

Me: “Yeah, Good Friday. That’s the day of his circumcision.”

Friend: *choked sound*

Me: “No, wait. That’s not the right word, is it?”

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Pregnant Pause And Reflect

, , , | Friendly | January 29, 2014

(My buddy had been thrown out by his heavily pregnant girlfriend over something minor. So, he’s staying at my place and ranting about it.)

Friend: “Then she started to cry over not being ready, and I kept trying to comfort her, but she just wouldn’t listen to me!”

Me: “Dude, she’s eight and a half months pregnant. She’s not gonna listen to anyone. But what happened next?”

Friend: “Then she starts sobbing about being a bad mother and not being mentally ready so I told her then she better get ready.”

Me: “You did what?”

(His eyes slowly widen with horror.)

Friend: “I said what?”

(He looks at me, completely terrified.)

Friend: “I am not a smart man.”

Me: “No you’re not, and you’re lucky she only threw you out.”

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