Best Not Trouble Your Head About It

| Friendly | March 31, 2014

(The day before Independence Day, while I am shopping, a sign falls and gives me a concussion. My friend makes sure I go to the ER. In other news, I decided to get a pixie cut 29 days later. Everyone raves about how great it looks, which surprises me since I had medium-long hair before. I’m especially surprised by my friend, who had previously told me to NEVER go shoulder-length or shorter. On this day, we are walking in the mall by the store where I got the concussion.)

Me: “It feels so weird to have short hair. I mean, I’ve thought about it before, but until my stylist disagreed with my claim that I wouldn’t look good with short hair, I didn’t know differently. I don’t know what came over me.”

Friend: *looking significantly at the store* “… A blow to the head?”

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Nothing As Strange As Strangers

| Friendly | March 31, 2014

(I am in a student lounge, packing up my stuff to go to my next class, when a guy sits down in the chair next to me, unfortunately, right in front of the plug where my computer is plugged in. He is on the phone.)

Guy: “I’m just so done, man. I just- I need to be free.”

Me: *quietly* “Excuse me? Could you move your chair forward a bit?”

(He does without incident.)

Guy: “I’m like an animal. I’m a dolphin. Except I don’t rape people. That’s not cool. And I don’t smell bad. Though my mouth is kinda like a blowhole…”

(Reluctantly, I walk away…)

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Man’s Best Tax Break

| Friendly | March 30, 2014

(I am reading about unusual laws.)

Me: “It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.”

Friend: *gasp* “A dog isn’t property. It’s family.”

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A Tortured Road To Friendship

| Friendly | March 29, 2014

(My good friend has arranged for one of his friends to meet us for dinner. I’m a bit nervous as I’m shy around new people and I’ve heard she’s selective about who she hangs out with.)

Friend: “Relax, you’ll be fine. You two have a lot in common.”

Me: “Alright, if you say so…”

(His friend arrives, and they start talking. I chip in when I can, and slowly get more comfortable with the situation. Then, his friend starts ranting about an awful coworker at her job and the conversation turns to various ways of torturing said coworker.)

Friend: “Bamboo strips under the nails are pretty painful…

Friend’s Friend: “Yes, but I want this guy to die slowly. Strips aren’t lethal. I was thinking about just doing what Poe did and having a blade on a pendulum slowly kill him.”

Me: “Pfft, what you really need to do is truss him up, shove a wooden 2×4 covered in barbed wire up where the sun don’t shine, and drop him into a pit of rats.”

Friend’s Friend: “Wouldn’t the rats chew through the ropes and let him escape?”

Me: “Maybe. But you cover him and the stick in raw meat before dropping him into the rat pit. Munch, munch, munch…”

(There is dead silence for several moments.)

Friend’s Friend: “… I think I like you. What’s your phone number?”

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Malificent Just Needed To Get Laid

| Friendly | March 28, 2014

(Two friends and I are discussing Disney movies together, when one can’t remember the name of a villain.)

Friend: “The uhm… She was in Sleeping Beauty. You know… the horny lady.”

(There’s a split-second as she realizes what she just said, and my other friend and I start laughing hysterically.)

Friend: *turning bright red* “No, that’s not what— Not THAT kind of of horny! You cut that out! You know what I mean!”

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