Some People Don’t Quite Aim For The Stars

, , | Friendly | March 1, 2014

(I and some friends of mine are driving home, talking about surprising facts.)

Me: “Did you know the reason we have eclipses is that the moon is 400 times smaller than the sun, but the sun is 400 times further away? So they look the same size in the sky.”

Friend: “Yeah, and stars are REALLY big, right?”

Me: “I know! It’s unbelievable!”

Friend: “They’re, like, as big as this van!”

(Cue uproarious laughter.)

Friend: “What?”

Me: “[Friend], stars are several hundred thousand times bigger than THE PLANET WE LIVE ON.”

Friend: “What?!”

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All Fired Up

| Friendly | February 28, 2014

(I have just moved into my apartment within the last week, so I am still new to the neighborhood. Unfortunately, disaster strikes and the unit directly connected to mine catches fire one morning. I am woken up by the sirens. My fiancé and I have just enough time to grab our dogs before the firefighter kicks the door in. We run out of the apartment with them and over to a clearing, where we watched in fear as they try to put out the fire. My dogs, slightly freaking out, start using the bathroom in the grass. A woman among the spectators approaches us.)

Woman: “Ugh, gross! I hope you plan on picking that s*** up!”

Me: “Honestly, I think there’s something a little more important going on right now.”

Woman: “That ain’t no excuse not to pick up your dog crap! There’s kids that play out here!”

Me: “Look, I understand where you’re coming from, and if you bring me a bag I’ll pick it up, but otherwise no.”

Woman: “No, you go and get your own d**n bag! It ain’t my fault you’re lazy.”

Me: “I can’t, and I think it’s pretty obvious why.”

Woman: “Yeah right. Go back to your apartment and—”

Me: “MY BUILDING IS THE ONE THAT’S ON FIRE!”

Woman: “Well, doesn’t matter! When they put out that fire I expect you to come out and pick it up!”

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It’s A Love/Hate Thing

| Friendly | February 28, 2014

(I am on some relatively powerful pills for myriad psychological issues. Having driven me to pick up my prescription, my friend is curious what they’re actually for, and I try to figure out the best way to explain without rambling.)

Me: “Because I hate myself.”

Friend: “Well, I hate you, too, but you don’t see me b****ng about it!”

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Sharing Those Magical Moments

| Friendly | February 28, 2014

(My friend and I are sitting on her couch watching ‘Dexter.’ Our mutual friend is currently in Orlando, visiting The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, and both of us are just a bit jealous.)

Me: “Not surprisingly, she’s not answering my texts.”

Friend: “Think she’s taking pictures?”

Me: “She’d better be! I want to see Harry Potter World, too!”

Friend: “But she also might forget to take pictures. She’s like that.”

Me: “If she does then I guess we’ll just have to murder her. You know: Dexter style. I’ll get the tarp.”

Friend: “I’ll get the power tools!”

Me: “No, reverse it. I have a husband. It’s less suspicious. And you can tell them the tarp is for painting or something.”

Friend: *laughs* “Yes, it’s all set! We’ll just become serial killers and blame it on mental break down if we get caught! ‘Officer, you don’t understand. She didn’t take pictures of hot wizards and amazing shops. We HAD to kill her! It’s very justified.'”

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Defeat Is In The Cards

, | Friendly | February 27, 2014

(I am with four of my friends at a table. We are playing the game ‘Munchkins,’ an RPG. I have never played an RPG before and am very lost, while Friend #1 loves RPGs but hates this game, and Friend #2 almost always wins.)

Me: “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Friend #1: “Here, let me see your cards.” *looks* “Play that one.”

Friend #2: “You can’t do that. That’s cheating!”

Friend #3: “It’s her first time. It’s fine.”

Friend #2: “All right, but if she wins I’ll be pissed.”

(We keep playing, and Friend #1 keeps helping me.)

Friend #2: “Why do I feel like you two are plotting against me?”

Friend #1: “Because I don’t care if I lose and my cards suck anyway. I just want you to lose and she has good cards.”

(I won. I still have no idea why or how!)

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