Nothing As Strange As Strangers

| Friendly | March 31, 2014

(I am in a student lounge, packing up my stuff to go to my next class, when a guy sits down in the chair next to me, unfortunately, right in front of the plug where my computer is plugged in. He is on the phone.)

Guy: “I’m just so done, man. I just- I need to be free.”

Me: *quietly* “Excuse me? Could you move your chair forward a bit?”

(He does without incident.)

Guy: “I’m like an animal. I’m a dolphin. Except I don’t rape people. That’s not cool. And I don’t smell bad. Though my mouth is kinda like a blowhole…”

(Reluctantly, I walk away…)

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Man’s Best Tax Break

| Friendly | March 30, 2014

(I am reading about unusual laws.)

Me: “It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.”

Friend: *gasp* “A dog isn’t property. It’s family.”

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A Tortured Road To Friendship

| Friendly | March 29, 2014

(My good friend has arranged for one of his friends to meet us for dinner. I’m a bit nervous as I’m shy around new people and I’ve heard she’s selective about who she hangs out with.)

Friend: “Relax, you’ll be fine. You two have a lot in common.”

Me: “Alright, if you say so…”

(His friend arrives, and they start talking. I chip in when I can, and slowly get more comfortable with the situation. Then, his friend starts ranting about an awful coworker at her job and the conversation turns to various ways of torturing said coworker.)

Friend: “Bamboo strips under the nails are pretty painful…

Friend’s Friend: “Yes, but I want this guy to die slowly. Strips aren’t lethal. I was thinking about just doing what Poe did and having a blade on a pendulum slowly kill him.”

Me: “Pfft, what you really need to do is truss him up, shove a wooden 2×4 covered in barbed wire up where the sun don’t shine, and drop him into a pit of rats.”

Friend’s Friend: “Wouldn’t the rats chew through the ropes and let him escape?”

Me: “Maybe. But you cover him and the stick in raw meat before dropping him into the rat pit. Munch, munch, munch…”

(There is dead silence for several moments.)

Friend’s Friend: “… I think I like you. What’s your phone number?”

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Malificent Just Needed To Get Laid

| Friendly | March 28, 2014

(Two friends and I are discussing Disney movies together, when one can’t remember the name of a villain.)

Friend: “The uhm… She was in Sleeping Beauty. You know… the horny lady.”

(There’s a split-second as she realizes what she just said, and my other friend and I start laughing hysterically.)

Friend: *turning bright red* “No, that’s not what— Not THAT kind of of horny! You cut that out! You know what I mean!”

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Nothing Like The Smell Of Passive Aggressiveness In The Morning

| Friendly | March 28, 2014

(My mother and I are out shopping on Black Friday. We run into a girl we know from church – almost literally ran into her with our cart. I can admit that I wasn’t quite as slim as when I had left for college a few years ago.)

Mom: “Hi, there!”

Me: “Hi!”

(Our friend turns to see who’s greeting her. She hadn’t seen me for a couple years, so it took her a second to place me.)

Her: “Oh! Hi! … Wow, [My Name], you porked out.”

(It’s only about 7 AM. I’ve been up since 4 AM. I figure that I COULDN’T have heard that right.)

Me: “… Thank you?”

Her: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I gained weight after I got married, too.”

Me: “Okay. So, no, I hadn’t misheard what you said.”

Mom: “Well, we should go get some more bargains! See you! Bye!”

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