Cold And Dry Humor

| Friendly | March 15, 2014

(I’m chatting late online with a friend and my girlfriend on Skype. My friend lives in the states while I and my girlfriend live in Canada. It is relatively late, and we end up looking at strange places around the globe. Due to my location, I also have a very strange place close to where I live.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend], I bet you didn’t know that I have a desert close to where I live?”

Friend: “Isn’t a tundra considered a type of desert?”

Me: “Well, yes, but I mean an actual desert, with sand.”

Friend: “What…”

(I proceed to find him a picture of the not too well known desert in question, as well as a sign detailing how such an amount of sand got so far up north. The picture consists of dunes of sand, some pine trees and smaller brush. Despite this, my friend has a brief pause before responding in a serious tone.)

Friend: “WHY IS THERE A DESERT IN CANADA?! WHO PUT THAT THERE?!”

(My girlfriend and I proceed to keel over laughing for 45 minutes while my friend can’t figure out what is so funny or why we’re laughing.)

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Strangers On A Train

| Friendly | March 14, 2014

(I am on the train to work, and have my headphones in. I notice a man opposite me making gestures so I take them out to see if there’s a problem.)

Me: “Hi?”

Stranger: *beams at me*

Me: “… Can I help you?”

Stranger: *silently thrusts a chewing gum pack at me*

Me: “Uh… no, thank you. I have my own, but thanks…”

(The stranger makes a ‘sad clown’ face and continues to stare at me for the rest of the journey. And people wonder why I hate trains.)

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Putting A Name To The Face Of Offensiveness

| Friendly | March 14, 2014

(A friend is moving to the area. She has been out house hunting with my partner for the day. I am at home having a sewing bee with about ten local woman. They walk into the lounge room.)

Me: “Hi, [Friend]. Would you like me to introduce everyone?”

Friend: “Why? Will I need to know their names?”

Me: “… Not anymore.”

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Hate Before Hymns

| Friendly | March 14, 2014

(I’m in my late 20s at a Mass largely attended by college students and retirees. Before the first hymn, we’re supposed to stand and greet each other; typically just a hello. The woman beside me looks to be in her 60s.)

Older Woman: *turning to greet me* “My! You have the most beautiful skin.”

Me: “Oh, thank you—”

Older Woman: “If I were younger I’d hate you.”

(Thank goodness the song started, because I had no idea what to say to that!)

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A Mother Lode Of Irresponsibility

| Friendly | March 13, 2014

Me: “Soooooo, I have something to tell you guys!”

Friend #1 & #2: “ARE YOU PREGNANT?!”

Me: “… I am holding a half-drunk glass of wine. So, no.”

Friend #1: “Oh, right.”

Friend #2: “Well, maybe you just weren’t planning on being a very responsible mom!”

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