(I’m IM chatting with a British friend of mine. It happens to be the 4th of July.)

Brit Friend: “Oh, I almost forgot – Happy Treason Day!”

Me: “I prefer to call it “Happy Y’all-Got-Your-Butts-Whipped-By-A-Bunch-Of-Hillbillies-Day”!”

(Last summer my mower broke down. I only get paid once a month and my savings has been devastated by some recent personal disasters, so by the time I was able to get it fixed the weeds in my yard had grown to over four feet tall.)

Landlord: “You need to take care of these weeds. If I have to come mow them I’m going to charge you for it.”

Me: “All right, give me a couple days. They’re only that bad because my mower’s broken and I won’t have the money to fix it for a couple more weeks. I’ll have to find one to borrow.”

Landlord: “I don’t care if your mower is broken. You’re responsible for everything inside the fence. You take care of it by tomorrow or else.”

(I scrambled and found a mower to borrow to take care of it that night. He was downright mean about it though. Fast forward to this year: the landlord has broken his leg and cannot walk. As a result the weeds outside the fence, which are his responsibility, are now overgrown.)

Landlord: “The county’s complaining. Could you go take care of the weeds outside the fence the next time you mow? If not I’ll have to charge you to have someone else do it.”

(My friend has been explaining why he cannot hang out today.)

Friend: “I have to bake and do computer stuff for my mom.”

Me: “Bake what? Brownies? Brownies are good.”

Friend: “Yes, brownies.”

Me: “Really? I guessed right?”

Friend: Yup.”

Me: “Dang. Think of a number?”

Friend: “Okay.

Me: “42?”

Friend: “Actually, yes.”

Me: “Excuse me while I buy a lottery ticket.”

(I’m out with friends and we are comparing stories of online dating gone bad – namely ways people get clingy way too soon.)

Friend #1: “He was texting me all day. And we hadn’t even met yet, so it seemed too desperate.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, shut that stuff down.”

Best Friend: “I had this one guy that got obsessed with me really fast. After one date, he would text me with the most mundane things. Like once he texted that he saw a really cool tree.”

Me: “Are you sure that wasn’t me? That sounds like me.”

Best Friend: “No, it was [Name].”

Me: “That sounds just like me.”

Best Friend: “I mean, it was probably you too, but it makes sense when you do it.”

(At summer camp, I have made fast friends with a guy who shares my love of melodrama and geek-dom, so despite our close bond, we pretend to be bitter rivals, often dishing out some rather interesting insults. One day while relaxing outside…)

Friend: “You know, I still can’t get over the fact that you hid my cheesecake last weekend.”

Me: “Oi, I gave it back. Besides, you were being a bothersome troll and stole my phone!”

Friend: “Regardless, vengeance is not long in store.”

Me: “Oh, please. You’re all talk; you’d never actually do anything.”

Friend: “Well, you wouldn’t either, so the point comes to nothing.”

Me: “Nope, if I make a threat, I’ll follow through.”

(Ten minutes later, I lay back on the grass, closing my eyes, and suddenly hear footsteps nearby. I open my eyes to see my friend leaning over me, our faces only inches apart.)

Me: *deadpan* “If you do that again, I will punch you in the face.”

Friend: *stands up, walks around, comes back, and leans over again*

Me: *swings fist up in a punch*

Friend: *leaps back* “Dude! What- Did you just…?”

Me: “Oh, I knew you’d avoid it. I just wanted to prove I meant what I said.”

(I won that day’s battle of banter by far.)