Friend #1: “Hey, [My Name], someone called you an owl today!”

Me: “Okay…? Why?”

Friend #1: “Aw, it didn’t work. I say, ‘someone called you an owl today’ and you are supposed to say, ‘who?’!”

Me: “Ohhhh.”

Friend #1: “Watch, it’s funny.” *to Friend #2, across from him, who should have heard everything* “Someone called you an owl today.”

Friend #2: “Who?”

Friend #1: *laughs*

(10 seconds go by.)

Friend #2: “What’s so funny? I don’t get it.”

(I (male) and my friend (female) are talking.)

Me: “And It’s really weird and gross how girls stick their phones in their bra’s all the time. I mean, imagine if I stuck MY phone down my pants.”

Friend: “That’s different. It’s not like boobs have stuff come out of them…”

(It’s the end of the night with no customers left in the store. I and my three male coworkers are closing down the dairy fridges when a coworker I was speaking to earlier comes over to me. She and I are both female and open-minded to the point where we say certain things out loud that we probably shouldn’t…)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]! What was that spider you were telling me about before?”

Me: “The one from Brazil?”

Coworker: “Yeah! You were saying about that spider and the guy…”

Me: “I forget what it’s called or what its venom does, exactly, but basically it gives you an erection until you die.”

(At this point my three male coworkers, the closest of which I could reach out and pat on the back, take notice of our conversation.)

Coworker: “That’s crazy! How does that even work?”

Me: “It’s because it lowers your blood pressure or something like that, which causes persistent, sometimes painful erections, and then your heart gives out and you die. It’s why doctors say you should seek help if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours. That s**t’s just not good for you in the long run.”

(Two of my male coworkers turn around and stare at us.)

Coworker: “Is it too much stress on the heart?”

Me: “No, it’s because of the blood pressure, ‘cuz, y’know—” *I gesture to my male coworkers* “—well, you guys know how erections work!”

Male Coworker #1: “Wait, WHAT are you guys talking about?”

Me: “Spiders that give you erections until you die.”

Coworker: “Yeah, because we saw a spider earlier and we were wondering what kind it was.”

(The third male coworker turns around.)

Male Coworker #3: “So, wait, there’s ACTUALLY a spider that gives you an erection until you die?”

Me: “Yep, lives in Brazil.”

Male Coworker #3: “That’s awesome!”

Me: “…”

(The funny part is earlier I had mentioned to my coworker that some guys would probably go to Brazil and find that spider just to say they died from a spider-induced erection. I get the feeling my male coworker is one of those people!)

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(My friend and I are from Newcastle, England. We are on holiday and are lounging around in the pool. A very nice couple from Alabama starts talking to us and realises we are from England.)

Lady: “Are you girls from London?”

Me: “No, we’re are from the north of England.”

Lady: “So that’s next to London, though, right?”

Friend: “Well, no. London is in the south. Nowhere near, really.”

Lady: “So you’re from London; I have friends near London. Do you know them?”

Me: “I’m afraid I really don’t live anywhere near London, so I wouldn’t know your friends.”

Lady: “But you must know them; they are from [place near London]!”

Friend:  “I’m sorry; we don’t live anywhere near London. We live at the other end of the country.”

(This goes on for some time backwards and forwards with us both assuring the lady that London is the other side of the country to Newcastle. The lady sees some more of her friends and calls them over.)

Lady: “Hey, guys, these girls are from London.”

Lady’s Friends: “Really! Do you know [First Lady’s Friend]?”

(During lunch, I hear something very odd.)

Guy: “I will sue anyone named [Name] because that’s my name and I have copyright!”