Malificent Just Needed To Get Laid

| Friendly | March 28, 2014

(Two friends and I are discussing Disney movies together, when one can’t remember the name of a villain.)

Friend: “The uhm… She was in Sleeping Beauty. You know… the horny lady.”

(There’s a split-second as she realizes what she just said, and my other friend and I start laughing hysterically.)

Friend: *turning bright red* “No, that’s not what— Not THAT kind of of horny! You cut that out! You know what I mean!”

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Nothing Like The Smell Of Passive Aggressiveness In The Morning

| Friendly | March 28, 2014

(My mother and I are out shopping on Black Friday. We run into a girl we know from church – almost literally ran into her with our cart. I can admit that I wasn’t quite as slim as when I had left for college a few years ago.)

Mom: “Hi, there!”

Me: “Hi!”

(Our friend turns to see who’s greeting her. She hadn’t seen me for a couple years, so it took her a second to place me.)

Her: “Oh! Hi! … Wow, [My Name], you porked out.”

(It’s only about 7 AM. I’ve been up since 4 AM. I figure that I COULDN’T have heard that right.)

Me: “… Thank you?”

Her: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I gained weight after I got married, too.”

Me: “Okay. So, no, I hadn’t misheard what you said.”

Mom: “Well, we should go get some more bargains! See you! Bye!”

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The Town Is Dying

| Friendly | March 28, 2014

(While waiting for some other friends to arrive, I’m describing my play experience with a new videogame.)

Me: “And all these stags and rabbits keep killing themselves on my wooden spike traps, but I don’t dare go and harvest the meat because the zombies will see me!”

Friend: *walking in* “Man, life in Marysville is getting tougher than I thought!”

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Not A Remote Chance Of Working

| Friendly | March 27, 2014

(I’m a girl in the first year of university. I go into the town with a male friend in my course. We’re both 18. We are just walking around until we find a shop that sells random novelty items.)

Friend: “Hey, look! A remote control!”

(It’s got various rude commands like ‘take off your clothes”‘, ‘suck my d***’ etc. printed on the buttons.)

Me: *roll eyes slightly* “Oh, yeah?”

Friend: “Gosh, I NEED to get this.”

Me: *sigh* “No. Please don’t waste £5 on this bit of plastic.”

Friend: “But it’ll be fun!” *proceeds to check out with a big grin*

(Back in the hall of residence…)

Friend: *rips off the packaging, points the remote control at me and presses the buttons repeatedly and angrily* “Urgh!”

Me: “Um, [Friend], what ARE you doing?”

Friend: “This thing doesn’t work! They’d better give me a refund!”

Me: “Did you REALLY think it would work?”

Friend: *offended* “Of course! Why else would I pay £5 for it?”

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Only Has A Shell Of A Vocabulary

| Friendly | March 27, 2014

(This happens while we are playing a game where you have to come up with a fake definition of a word.)

Friend: “Oh I can’t remember this word!”

Me: “Well, use a synonym.”

Friend: “There is no synonym! I just have to quickly Google something.”

(We wait while he checks on his phone and finishes his meaning. When the fake guesses are read out it is still unclear of what the problem was until the question reader passes the papers back.)

Friend #2: “What word was it that you needed?”

Friend #1: “The last word.”

Friend #2: “What, slugs?”

Friend #1: *embarrassed* “Yes. I just Googled snails without shells…”

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