Your Friends Are Your Best Anti-Drug Campaign

| CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(In college, I am roommates with several friends who decide one day to take a certain hallucinogenic substance. I and another friend of mine are the sober babysitters, although halfway through the night the other friend bails and leaves me the sole person to keep four people safe.)

Friend #1: “Holy crap! There are zombies outside!”

Me: “What? No… no there aren’t, honey. Those are just people. We live in a busy neighborhood.”

Friend #1: “Those. Are. Zombies. I need to go find something to use as a weapon, and then I’m going out there. I ain’t going down without a fight!”

Me: “Uh… no! No you can’t do that! They’re like… 28 Days Later zombies. They’re super-fast!” *seeing the look of panic on her face* “BUT! They’re crazy stupid. Sooo stupid. They don’t even know what a house is, so if we just keep the door shut and stay in the house, we’re totally good.”

Friend #1: “Oh… okay!” *smiles*

Friend #2: “I’ll be the Godzilla of Cheez-Its. You can be the Mothra of Cheez-its, and we’ll battle it out!”

Me: “Um… sure?”

Friend #3: “I get it now.”

Me: “Get what?”

Friend #3: “The bond between you and [Boyfriend]. It’s like me and these burgers… unshakable.”

Friend #4: *rips 4th of July wristband off and stomps on it* “It’s the man! He’s trying to keep me doooooown! You can’t win MAN!” *takes stomped wristband and throws it into a glass of water* “What’re you gonna do NOW?!”

Friend #1: “Zombies!”

Friend #2: “Cheez-it Godzilla!”

Friend #3: “Burgers!”

Friend #4: “The Man!”

To Catch A Mermaid Requires (Jail)Bait

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My friends and I are discussing the age of Disney Characters.)

Me: “Prince Eric is 16.”

Friend: “Prince Eric does not look like a 16 year old. If there were 16 year olds that looked like Prince Eric, I would be in jail.”

Sheer Lunar-cy

| NY, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am half Swiss, and often go away to Switzerland over summer break. I am currently telling a group of friends about how sometimes in Switzerland we wake up and watch the moon shine over the lake from our hotel balcony.)

Me: “It’s really pretty how the moon just shines over the water with the mountains behind it.”

Friend: “Wait! Wait! There is a moon in Switzerland!?”

Went To The Wrong Joint, Part 2

CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(Our clinic has an animal hotel which backs out onto the alley behind. The back entrance is for employees and for taking dogs out for walks, and so only has a small sign to indicate it is an animal clinic. It is otherwise an anonymous-looking building, in an alleyway that looks like several others behind our neighboring strip malls. One such alleyway contains a medical marijuana clinic. It is 8 am on a Sunday. A stranger in his early twenties approaches me as I am taking a dog out for his morning business. I am in my scrubs, and so on the street I am sometimes mistaken for a nurse.)

Stranger: “Hey, you work here?”

Me: “Yep, I’m new.”

Stranger: “Okay, cool. They let you bring your dog to work with you?”

Me: “No, this is one of our boarders. Can I help you with something?”

Stranger: “They shouldn’t let you keep dogs in there! What if they ate your stock?”

Me: “I assure you, the pharmacy is kept well away from them. Did you need something?”

Stranger: “Yeah, just a dime.”

Me: *blankly* “I don’t have my wallet with me, I’m sorry.”

Stranger: *also blankly* “No, I mean… could you let me into the building so I can get it?”

Me: *thinking he is joking, I laugh* “The clinic is technically closed, sorry. Besides, I don’t think I want you going through my stuff!”

Stranger: “I don’t get it! My friends said you guys are super helpful! I just want to buy a dime!”

(At this point, I finally putting the pieces together.)

Me: “Ah, actually… we aren’t that kind of clinic. That one is the next alley up, but I’m pretty sure they’re closed at this time of day. We’re an animal clinic.”

Stranger: “S***! Sorry to bother you!”

(The stranger starts to leave in the direction he came from, but then turns around and goes the way I pointed and laughs.)

Stranger: “Yeah… I might be a little high.”

1 Thumbs
2,520
VOTES

The Best And Worst Idea To Date

Staten Island, NY, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am out with my two young sons, when I run into a friend. We get on the topic of him taking a girl out on a first date in New York City.)

Friend: “I was thinking of taking her on a buggy ride in Central Park, followed by a romantic dinner, and then a Broadway musical.”

Me: “Ooh.. nice.”

(My six-year-old son decides to interject.)

Son: “Excuse me. Can I say something?”

Me: “No. Go play with your brother.”

Friend: “That’s okay. Let’s hear it.”

Me: “You will regret this.”

Friend: “Let the kid talk.”

Son: “Uhm, buggy ride? Are you crazy? It’s stinky and it’s bumpy. That girl will not like to eat dinner after a buggy ride.”

Friend: “Have you been on a buggy ride?”

Son: “Plenty of times. My brother loves it. But it’s the most disgusting thing in New York City. You see the horse’s butt the entire time. Stinky. And the ride is so bumpy you get a bellyache, and you wanna throw up.”

Friend: “So, I’ll skip the buggy ride then?”

Son: “I’m not finished. Why don’t you have dinner first? Then, if your girl is being nice, take her to Broadway. If she’s not nice, then you take her to the buggy ride.”

Friend: “And the reason for the buggy ride is…?”

Son: “So she throws up! Weren’t you listening to my story? You need to learn how to listen.”

Friend: *to me* “What the h*** kind of things have you been teaching your kids?!”

Me: “I really don’t know…”

1 Thumbs
2,379
VOTES
Page 848/850First...846847848849850