Party Planner Pooper

| Friendly | July 2, 2014

(My friend and I are having a drink and a catch-up since it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. A man has been interrupting us, inviting himself into our private conversation and buying us drinks we don’t want, without asking us. We need to get away but we’re afraid of confronting him as we’re both small women in our early twenties and he’s far bigger, older, and has already been extremely threatening to the barmaids. He steps away to the bar for just a second.)

Friend: “We need to get away.”

Me: “I know. I know. Look, leave it to me. I’ve got a plan.”

(The man comes back.)

Me: “Well, it’s one. I’ve got to get back and get ready for that party at [Different Friend]’s.”

Friend: “Oh, right, then.”

(I stand up. My friend waves to me.)

Me: “Aren’t you coming?”

Friend: “I don’t think I was invited. I would’ve heard about this party if I was, right?”

Me: “No, you’re invited but we have to go right now.”

Friend: “Are you sure? Why would a party start in the afternoon? Don’t her parties normally start around seven?”

(She continued to think that this was a real party and questioned me in front of the threatening guy until I’d pulled her out into the street. She’s still embarrassed by the story!)

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Puppies Of The Undead

| Friendly | July 2, 2014

(My college has recently started hosting games of Humans vs. Zombies, in which zombies tag humans but humans can stun zombies by throwing socks. At this point in time, the game is almost over, and most players are zombies. I am furtively running to class when I run into my friend, also a human.)

Me: “You should get inside. I just passed a group of zombies out hunting.”

Friend: “I’m working on it, I’m just– OOOOH, A PUPPY!”

(An elderly man with a puppy is strolling down the sidewalk, and my friend runs right up to it and pets it. I see a zombie approach, and so I run inside. From the window I watch a zombie calmly walk up to my friend, start petting the puppy as well, and tag my friend. My friend’s face is priceless, and she comes inside looking shell-shocked.)

Me: “I told you to get inside, silly.”

Friend: “Well, I never thought a fluffy puppy would be the death of me!”

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Unhelpful Reminder

| Friendly | July 1, 2014

Friend: “Oh! Remind me to go to the ATM on the way back.”

Me: “Okay… Go to the ATM when we go back.”

Friend: *evil glare* “You’re not helping.”

(10 minutes later we are walking past their ATM.)

Me: “Don’t forget to go to the ATM.”

Friend: “Oh, I didn’t bring my wallet.”

Me: “What?!”

Friend: “I didn’t think this through.”

Me: “You’re not helping…”

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Seeing Red Over Not Seeing Green

| Friendly | July 1, 2014

(My friend has managed to get a lot out of me, like money, food, etc. One day I’ve had enough.)

Friend: “Can I borrow $50? I’ll pay you back on Monday. Promise.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but no. I don’t have much money right now and I want to save up what I have to spend on something special for myself. I would if I could, but I can’t really afford it. ”

Friend: “Oh, come on! We both know you have $[three-digit number] in your account. You can lend me $50 and still have left over. Please?”

Me: “As I said, I’m trying to save up what money I have. Can’t you ask your parents?”

Friend: “Nah, I don’t want to burden them.”

Me: “And you don’t mind burdening me?”

Friend: “Well, we’re friends! Isn’t that what friends are for?”

Me: “Sure, but friends also respect each other’s choices, and I would really appreciate it if you could respect that right now. I am not comfortable giving you MY money because I want to keep it for MYSELF. I’ve worked hard for it. If you want money, you can get a job. I have a job to earn myself extra cash; not to pay for your cute tops.”

Friend: “What the h***? No need to get so angry! It’s just 50 bucks!”

Me: “If it’s ‘just 50 bucks’ then you can get it from your parents. They can afford it more than I can. What you want me to lend you is everything I earned this week. If I was going to lose that money, why did I bother going to work?”

Friend: “But I’ll return it on Monday, like I said.”

Me: “How can I trust that? I’ve lent you money in the past and it’s never been given back. You’re at least $200 in debt to me and that doesn’t even include the food I buy you when we go out. It would be closer to $300. If you bring me that on Monday, then I’ll lend you the $50.”

Friend: “But I need it this weekend!”

Me: “Then get it from your parents. You won’t be getting it from me. If I lend this money to you, I’ll be $350 out of pocket, spent on frivolities for you. I can’t trust that I’ll get the money back, because like I said, you still owe me at least $300 from past purchases.”

Friend: “My parents won’t say yes.”

Me: “And neither will I.”

Friend: “This is what friends are for. You help each other out. So, are you going to help me or not?”

Me: “Like I told you, no. Besides, it would really ‘help’ me if you returned the money I lend you when you promise – but you don’t, because I’m still waiting on a few hundred dollars from you. If friends are for helping, then I shouldn’t be the only one giving assistance. I need it from you, too. I can’t trust that you’ll return all my money, and given that I can barely afford it, and have the right to keep my money for myself, which I worked hard for, I’m not comfortable lending you anything else.”

Friend: “So much for best friends.”

Me: “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. But I’ve bought you three tops in the past two weeks, out of my own pocket, as well as McDonald’s after school twice a week, none of which you have paid me back for. On top of that I listen to your own problems despite the fact that you haven’t listened to mine in over three months. I stand up for you when other girls talk behind your back. I help you with your homework. I’ve been as good a friend as I could possibly have been to you. I don’t see how failing to give you money, when I have every right to deny it to you, renders all that moot.”

Friend: “Because you won’t help me out. That’s why.”

Me: “But that’s what I’m saying. I do help you out, but I’ve reached my limit. What I do with my money is my choice, and I’ve chosen to give you at least $300 worth of junk. I do not wish to spend any more of that money when I cannot be sure I will get it back.”

Friend: “You’ll regret this.”

(I didn’t. She went to her parents and showed them the texts; she honestly believed she was in the right. Not only did I get the full $300 back from her parents, but she was grounded from shopping for three months, all packages delivered as a result of online shopping after that event sent back and refunded, and as I no longer helped her with her homework, she ended up failing three classes and moving schools. Needless to say we are no longer friends.)

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Not Hi In The Air

| Friendly | July 1, 2014

(My husband and I, and our two-year old daughter, are on a plane that stops in Portland. We stay on the plane, as almost everyone else gets off, walking past us since we’re in the front. As they go past, my daughter smiles and says ‘bye’ to every single person. Almost without exception, they at least say ‘bye’ back to her. In middle of this, the following occurs:)

Daughter: “Bye!”

Lady: *looks away, no response*

Daughter: “Bye, lady!”

(She is still looking away, turns her shoulder, and sighs. She’s clearly heard Daughter. She’s just not responding.)

Daughter: “Mommy! That lady didn’t say bye! Why didn’t she say bye? I said bye! Why won’t she say bye?”

Me: “Maybe she’s having a bad day, honey. Maybe she’s just not in the mood to say bye right now. She might be tired.”

(Meanwhile, there’s been a slowdown at the front of the plane. Everyone is standing still and the lady is trapped right next to us. Everyone around us is now glaring at the lady. Daughter turns to the next person.)

Daughter: “Bye!”

Next Person: “Bye! You are adorable, and SOME people are just rude!”

Lady: *stiffens, tosses head, glares at us, looks away, and stomps down the aisle away from us*

Daughter: “I did not like that lady. Bye!”

Everyone Around: “Bye!”

(She said ‘bye’ to every single person that got off, and then ‘Hi’ to every single person who got on. All of them answered her.)

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