Friends Shouldn’t Do Everything Together

| Friendly | March 19, 2014

(I’m sitting at the lunch table with my boyfriend and a male friend of ours. I have a large chest, and was wearing a shirt that had a built-in scarf of sorts.)

Friend: “Is that a scarf or a part of your shirt?”

Me: “My shirt.”

Friend: “Well, it makes your boobs look big.”

Boyfriend: “DUDE! She’s my girlfriend!”

Friend: “I’m just saying she has big boobs! It’s a compliment!”

(A little later…)

Friend: “If you two ever need a condom, you can come to me.”

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Time For A Good Hammering

| Friendly | March 18, 2014

(My roommate and I are pulling nails out of our walls.)

Me: “It’s coming!”

Roommate: “That’s what she said.”

Me: “Aw, it broke. Get me a hammer?”

Roommate: “Well, I certainly hope that’s not what she said!”

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The Joke Is On Him

| Friendly | March 18, 2014

(I’m at the mall food court debating what to eat after work. I’ve changed out of my uniform and am wearing a Joker and Harley Quinn shirt. Note: I’m a girl.)

Guy: “Tch, nice shirt.”

Me: “Um… thanks?”

Guy: “Do you even KNOW who they are?”

Me: “The Joker and Harley Quinn from the Batman franchise.”

Guy: “WRONG! Comics! Not franchise! Stupid fake geek girl!”

Me: “Um, no. Harley Quinn first appeared in the Batman animated series. Created by Paul Dini.”

Guy: *blinks and sputters*

Me: “So I say franchise because Harley was from another media.”

(I turn and leave and get my food. I take a seat in the food court, then the same guy with two more guys approach me.)

Guy: “You think you’re hot stuff, huh!?”

Me: “Not at all, but I know I’m not a fake geek girl.”

Guy: “Oh, yeah!?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guy: *smirks* “Name his real name!” *pointing to the Joker on my shirt*

Me: “I can’t—”

Guy: “See! FAKE GEEK—”

Me: “Let me f***ing finish, a**hole! I can’t because we don’t know. It’s common knowledge that he’s referred to as ‘Jack,’ sometimes by the full name ‘Jack Napier.’ But he’s also been known as ‘Joseph Kerr’ AND most recently ‘Oberon Sexton.’”

Guy: “Uh—”

Me: “Also, he has several apparent back stories. One story has him as a sad starting comedian who couldn’t get a decent gig. This one sometimes leads him getting into mob and gang relations and has him be the Red Hood. Other stories just have him as the Red Hood from the beginning. The last is that he is a gangster known as Jack Napier, who, once again dons the Red Hood identity. Now, will you leave me alone so I can eat or do you want me to give you the brief history of Harley Quinn PRE-new 52?”

Guy’s Friend: “Dude… you’re an a**.”

Guy: “But girls aren’t supposed to know that!”

Guy’s Friend: “Shut up, man. She’s a geek. Leave her alone.”

(The guy continues to sputter and claim that since I’m a girl I couldn’t know all of that stuff and still say I have to be fake, some how. After they leave, a cashier from the place I ordered my food comes over and gives me one of the desserts.)

Me: “I didn’t order this…”

Cashier: “On the house. Our manager insisted, for a fellow comic fan, and to tell you the Joseph Kerr story line was her favorite.”

Me: *smiles* “Mine, too.”

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A Roommate With A View

| Friendly | March 18, 2014

(My roommate and I are discussing her new boyfriend and privacy before the spring semester begins.)

Me: “If you need some space, just tell me. I’ll go hang out at the coffee house or whatever.”

Roommate: “But I’d feel so bad. It’s your room, too! I can’t just kick you out!”

Me: “I used to set up [Previous Roommate] on dates with her boyfriend so that [Ex] and I could have the room to ourselves. I even bribed [Friend] with Pocky and duct tape to ‘chaperone’ them.”

Roommate: “What?! Really?! But I can’t use that trick on you.”

Me: “It’s okay; I have noise-cancelling headphones.”

(It takes her a second to get what I’m implying, and then we both crack up!)

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A Good Friendship Is On The Cards

| Friendly | March 17, 2014

(I’m highly articulate, but not especially emotional. This sometimes causes problems where I am misunderstood. My roommate and good friend has recently related to me that she had been uncertain whether or not we were friends until one evening, when it came to her like a revelation.)

Roommate: “We had chatted for a while, and hung out together. It wasn’t until that one night when you were off work earlier than I was, but you stayed after to talk to me until I was done working. Then I knew that we were friends.”

(This is a strange concept to me, as I had thought I was more obvious about who I did and did not like. One day, I am asked to drive a mutual friend to run an errand. This is a new friend, and we laugh and talk about things that we have in common. I later talked to my roommate about the trip.)

Me: “I really like [New Friend]. We should hang out more.”

Roommate: “Oh, good. I was just talking with [New Friend] about that. It seems she had no idea you guys were friends until you took her to run that errand, and you had a good time.”

(I may start issuing cards that say ‘Congratulations! We are friends now!’)

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