(After months of me fixing my roommate’s computer from him installing useless and unneeded programs and removing viruses he got after clicking on random links…)

Roommate: “If I backed up or copied some of my folders onto a disk or whatever, would it help my computer to run better? Just a simple question from someone who is not sure!”

Me: “No, it will not. The end user needs to take a few computer classes, learn how to listen to instructions, know what web sites that he needs to avoid, has to stop clicking on every link that comes his way, and maybe, just maybe, his computer will run better.”

Roommate: “…”

(My coworkers and I are outside the front of the store on break, talking, when all of the sudden a man in a blue-hooded unicorn onesie riding a moped blows past, bouncing over the speed bump.)

Coworker: “It’s not even ten at night yet…”

(I am babysitting a little girl overnight. The mother is paying me a lot less than what I normally charge for babysitting, but I take the job because I have bills to pay and my job teaching preschool pays badly. In this story, the mother has left us $5 to get a ready-made pizza from a chain that advertises $5 pizzas. When we arrive at the chain, which is situated in a discount store, we are told that they are currently out of the ready-made pizzas, and it will be a ten-minute wait. This is acceptable, so we sit at a booth. The pizza chain has a soda fountain which clearly offers free refills, as the employees of the discount store keep coming up to refill their pre-purchased cups. My charge has been eyeing the fountain.)

Kid: “I’m thirsty.”

Me: “If you go up to the pizza counter and ask nicely, they’ll probably give you a cup for water.”

Kid: “I don’t want water. I want a soda.”

Me: “Unfortunately, your mother didn’t leave us any money for that. Just the pizza, but you’re more than welcome to get that water. Or our pizza will be done in just a few minutes. I think there’s juice at home, if you want to wait until we get our pizza and head back.”

Kid: “No! I don’t want juice! I don’t want water! I want a soda!”

Me: “Your mom didn’t leave us money for soda, [Kid]. She only left us enough for the pizza.”

Kid: “Then you buy it with your money.”

Me: “I don’t have any money for soda. I only have what your mom left us for pizza.”

Kid: “What? How can you not have money? Didn’t you just get paid?”

(I think I stared at her open-mouthed for a full thirty seconds before replying that no, I had not just gotten paid. I have no idea where she got that idea, but while it was the first time a babysitting charge had demanded that I use my own money to buy them something frivolous, it was certainly not the last. It was, however, the last time I sat for her.)

(I am a 19-year-old male and roughly 5’10” and 200 lbs. I am just finishing up my monthly shopping at the grocery store and am in the parking lot. In this parking lot, there is an aisle that is one way. I drive up in the proper direction when I arrive and park near the front. My car is rather large compared to most of the locals, so I make an extra attempt to check my surroundings before backing out. I am finally all the way out of my spot, facing the correct way, when a woman in massive SUV starts coming down the aisle in the wrong direction.)

Me: “Oh, no. She’s going the wrong way. D*** it.”

(Because the aisle is one way, it’s rather narrow, making it impossible for me to get around her, or visa-versa. I try my best to pull off into empty spots to give her room to get out of my way. At that moment, she finishes looking and around and decides she wants one of those spots that I am blocking, and starts yelling at me through her closed windows to get out her way.)

Me: “I don’t know what the h*** you want me to do! You’re going the wrong way and blocking me in! Go down and come back the proper way!”

(She rolls down her window and continues to scream at me while making sure she flips me off as many times as possible. My windows are already open so I hear everything.)

SUV Woman: “GET THE F*** OUT OF MY SPOT, YOU LITTLE F****T! F***ING MOVE. GET OUT! GET OUT!”

Me: *remaining calm* “Look. It’s a one way and you’re going the wrong way! I can’t get out until you move! Just go around and come back in the right direction!”

(The roughly 5’5″ and 100 lbs woman then proceeds to scream incoherently and exit her vehicle, leaving it running.)

Me: “Hey, what the h*** are you doing?! There’s no need to be so hostile!”

SUV Woman: “F*** YOU, F****T! F*** YOU! YOU CAN’T EVEN DRIVE, YOU LITTLE TWERP!”

(She approaches the front of my car and kicks the bumper hard and repetitively. I decide to get out of my car, and the lady realizes that I am roughly twice her size.)

SUV Woman: “YEAH, GET OUT HERE, YOU LITTLE F****T! GET OUT HERE Y—”

(She goes really pale and runs back to her vehicle. I am perplexed by this and watch as she peels out of the parking lot. An older stranger that was watching approaches me.)

Stranger: “Are you okay, young man?”

Me: “I guess so, ma’am. Apparently the parking spot wasn’t as important as she thought it was.”

Stranger: “I ran into her before. She reacted that way when a handicapped man was taking too long to cross the street, so she knocked his cane out of his hand.”

Me: “Oh, so she’s completely bonkers. Nice to know.”

(The woman in the SUV returns and parks on the opposite side of the parking lot.)

Me: “Maybe she’ll think twice before being so hostile.”

(Right on cue, we hear her screaming yet again, but this time at a vehicle waiting for her to cross the street.)

SUV Woman: *pointing at the crosswalk which is actually five feet away from her* “I’M CROSSING! I’M F****** CROSSING HERE. THIS MEANS PEOPLE! BACK THE F*** UP, YOU DUMB C***!”

Stranger: “I think that’s a no…”

(My best friend and I are roommates and grew up together. My friend is just now starting to realize she is partially color blind. She’s become obsessed with looking at those little color blind tests and trying to make out what it says, and most of the time she has trouble with the red/green ones.)

Roommate: *hands me her laptop computer* “[My Name], there’s a color blind test thing on this t-shirt online and I can’t really make out what it’s supposed to be. Could you take a look for me?”

Me: “Sure thing!” *I take the laptop, look at the t-shirt that she’s talking about, and I burst out laughing*

Roommate: “What?! What is it?!”

Me: “…It says, ‘F*** the colorblind.'”

Roommate: “I hate my life.”