My Knight In Shining Armor

| Friendly | March 20, 2014

(My children’s school is having a medieval festival day. I happen to own a full suit of shiny metal armor and have agreed to wear it to the school for the day, along with bringing some other assorted medieval items for show and tell. I’m ferrying the items into the school in the morning, and I’m wearing the armor as I do so, as it’s easier than carrying it. As I head out for another load, a mother is walking towards the school with a baby in arms. I hold the door open for her, and she stops in the doorway and looks me up and down.)

Mother: “Where were you a couple of years ago?”

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Much Tattoo About Nothing

| Friendly | March 20, 2014

(My friend has convinced her mom to let her get a tattoo of the Tardis. They schedule the appointment a few weeks ago. On the morning she comes into school and starts ranting at me.)

Friend: “She’s being so selfish! My mom told me that because I went over on my phone bill I might have to make my tattoo smaller! This is so stupid. She won’t even listen to me! It’s just a bill. Like, it’s okay to just miss one or two of those. I think THIS is way more important, and she just refuses to see that!”

(I don’t know what she’ll do in a year when she has to handle real finances.)

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Can’t Put Them In Each Other’s Shoes

| Friendly | March 20, 2014

(A group of friends and I are watching a movie at one friend’s house. Her family has joined us.)

Friend #1: “Hmm, I want those shoes.”

Friend #2: “There’s this dramatic scene going on, and all she can do is focus on the shoes?”

Friend #1: “What do you expect me to say, ‘hey, I want those cobwebs’?”

(That scene ends, and the next begins.)

Friend #1: “I like her shoes here, too.”

Friend’s Mom: “Are any of you actually paying attention to this movie?”

Friend’s Sister: “I’m paying attention. There are two guys. They are driving up to the house in a car—”

Friend #1: “I can’t see their shoes. They don’t matter.”

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Together They’ll Set The World On Fire

| Friendly | March 19, 2014

(My friend and I both like cooking. We’re making crepes for dessert at a New Year’s party, but the fruit compote isn’t turning out how we’d like it.)

Friend: “The way I see it, we have two options. We could put a little bit in a pan, add a bunch of rum, and flambé it, or we could add more sugar.”

Me: “Are you crazy?”

Friend: “Well, I thought I’d ask before I—”

Me: “Why would you even think I’d go for another suggestion after the one that involves alcohol and fire?!”

Friend: “Thank you for reminding me why we’re friends.”

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Hair Is Where The Heart Is

| Friendly | March 19, 2014

(I’m traveling with my daughter to get her treatment for cancer. Since an old family friend lives in the area I have to take her for her treatments, we visit while we’re there and I meet his girlfriend for the first time. My daughter’s hair has just fallen out, and she admires the woman’s very long hair while we’re eating dinner. That weekend, the two of them stop by the hospital to visit and her very long hair is noticeably shorter.)

Daughter: *sadly* “Oh! You cut your hair!”

Friend: “Yup!”

Daughter: “If I had hair like yours, I’d never cut it.” *putting her hands on her scalp*

Friend: “Oh really? I don’t mind it. I like doing new things with my hair, don’t you?”

Daughter: *sniffling* “Sometimes… I can’t wait for it to grow back!”

Friend: “Well, I have a surprise for you.”

(She takes a wig out the box she had with her that looks like it’ll be about shoulder length on my daughter, and shows it to her. It turned out that a friend of hers was a wig maker, so she’d actually cut off a good deal of her own hair, and had it made into a wig. I hadn’t seen my daughter that happy since her diagnosis! She made a full recovery, and we just got a wedding invitation for those two last month!)

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