Leave Him To Lick His Wounds

| Friendly | May 1, 2014

(A friend of mine and I are in the cinema while the coming attractions are running. In the row before ours, there are a couple of cute girls, which I know will mean my friend will make a fool of himself sooner or later. Following the ice cream ad, the ice cream lady comes around.)

Ice Cream Lady: “Do you want some ice cream?”

My Friend: “No, I’m going to lick something else later.”

(The girls in front of us fall abruptly silent as they hear it, and I have had enough.)

Me: “Stop bragging. You’re not flexible enough!”

(The girls start laughing while my friend curses my guts!)

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Strike The Right Note

| Friendly | May 1, 2014

(I am in hospital. A fellow ward-mate and I are fasting for two days waiting for surgery. My ward mate hasn’t smiled or laughed in days because she is in pain. A friend comes in to visit and the three of us are talking about how hungry we are.)

Me: “Maybe we should protest.”

Friend: “You could go on a hunger strike.”

(The only thing that saved him from a slap was the fact that my ward-mate was laughing so hard.)

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The Owner’s Bark Is Worse Than The Dog’s Bite

| Friendly | April 30, 2014

(I’m at a natural history museum. Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman with a working dog come up next to me.)

Me: “Oh, he’s cute.”

Woman: “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

Me: “Too bad he’s working. I love pets.”

Woman: *suddenly very serious, with a warning tone* “Please, don’t.”

Me: *taken aback* “I’m… sorry?”

(Without any warning she suddenly drags the dog away from where I’m standing while glancing at me suspiciously.)

Onlooker: “What did you say to her?”

Me: “All I said was I liked pets. I didn’t say I wanted to pet her working dog! I know better than that!”

(What’s worse is our paths meet twice more that day. Each time she sees me she pulls the dog closer to her, almost dragging it to the floor the last time!)

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Feminine Wilds

| Friendly | April 30, 2014

(I’m leaving a clothing store and notice a fairly attractive young lady about to enter. Instead of letting the door swing shut I catch it and hold it open for her. Note that I do this for anybody about to follow me through a door.)

Woman: *smiling serenely* “Thanks…” *enters and turns around* “F****** chauvinistic pig!”

(I’m left stunned as she walks off.)

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Has No Idea Who

| Friendly | April 30, 2014

(A coworker and I are planning on seeing the ‘Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special.’ She’s out of the office today, but has given me her cell phone number so that we could finalize our arrangements.)

Me: “Hey, this is [My Name]! I’m buying tickets now: standard or 3D?”

(A few seconds later, I realize that I transposed two digits in the phone number. I text again to apologize.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! I have the wrong number.”

Stranger: “No problem. Have fun at the movie. And go for standard. 3D just isn’t quite worth the extra cost.”

Me: “But it’s Doctor Who! Thanks.”

Stranger: “Oh, well, then! Definitely, 3D! Spare no expense for Doctor Who!”

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