Don’t Need To Be Present To Give A Present

| Friendly | April 24, 2014

(I moved a long way away to university. My best friend of 10 years decided that she would prefer to stay at home and marry her boyfriend and work the same job that she’s always had. I carried on to do a Master’s at the same university and now also live in the area I studied, since I have a job there with good eventual promotion prospects. Over the five years I’ve been away she often got upset and talked about how everybody abandoned her, and didn’t understand that our choosing to go to university or to not settle down to marriage and kids straight out of school or even to stay in the same backwater little town had very little to do with hating her or her lifestyle choices and everything to do with just wanting to find something different. Whilst we used to talk on Skype a lot she rarely replies now and I literally cannot remember the last time she initiated a conversation, so I am surprised to see my phone ping to let me know I have a text from her.)

Friend: “Hey! I’ve just sent you an email list to let you know what I’d like you to get [Very Young Son] for Christmas! Don’t worry about postage. You can drop them next time you’re this way as [Very Young Son] is too little to mind if they’re late. Thanks. Bye!”

(The last time I heard from her before that was—you guessed it—letting me know what her young son wanted for his birthday!)

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Wax Poetic About Friendship

| Friendly | April 24, 2014

(My best friend posted a comment to a picture of my fiancé and me.)

Best Friend: “You guys are too sweet. My eyes are full of sugar. Stop being so cute.”

Me: “This is why I love you, [Best Friend]. One of the very few times you post on my status and it happens to be a haiku.”

Best Friend: “‘Happens’ like it was a freakin’ accident!”

Me: “How unfortunate. Sometimes I write haikus, too. Accidentally.”

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Pudding A Name To The Flavor

| Friendly | April 23, 2014

(We meet up after Christmas at a friend’s house for a gaming night. Independent from each other, everyone has brought their remainder of Christmas candy, cookies etc. A friend opens my box and pulls out a cookie.)

Friend: “Oh, cool. I’ve never seen a cookie like that. What is it?”

Me: “It’s a pudding cookie. I tried a new recipe and replaced the flour with pudding.”

Friend: “What flavor?”

Me: “Vanilla.”

Friend: “Oh, great.” *takes a bite*

Friend: “Oh, what is that taste? It’s familiar, like…”

Me: “Vanilla pudding?”

Friend: “Oh yes, that’s exactly what it is! How did you know?”

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Finally Got To Dish The Dirt

, | Friendly | April 23, 2014

(In our apartment there are three bedrooms with two beds in each room. The roommate who shares my room is a close friend of mine and we were roommates the previous semester. All of the other girls are new, and no one knew each other before we moved in together. I am engaged so I am rarely home. My friend/room-roommate is also rarely home, and as such we never do the dishes since we don’t eat at our apartment. Throughout the semester there is a lot of tension, and my room-roommate and I don’t know why. Passive-aggressive notes show up all throughout the semester about dishes, but we just ignore them because we don’t use dishes. We notice that our food often ‘disappears’ but we just stop buying more. The following exchange occurs with one of the roommates the semester after everyone moves to different apartments.)

Me: “Hey! Long time no see! How are you?”

Roommate: “I’m doing well. I’m living in [new apartment complex] now.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Didn’t you move out because of [other roommate who made everyone uncomfortable]?”

Roommate: “Yeah. We learned some more things about her after you left.”

Me: “Yeah? Like what?”

Roommate: “Remember how there were all those notes about the dishes?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. [Room-Roommate] and I thought they were directed at us, but we were confused about it because we never used dishes.”

Roommate: “Apparently [Roommate who made everyone uncomfortable] kept using your dishes and would leave them dirty in the kitchen. Then she would say that you guys left them and show her own clean dishes so she didn’t have to clean them!”

Me: “WHAT?! How could someone do that?! And how did you figure it out?!”

Roommate: “It turns out she tried to do that this semester, but because all of her roommates stayed home, she got caught. She only got away with it before because you guys were never home.”

(After I said goodbye to her I called up my room-roommate and told her what I had learned!)

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Will And Disgrace

| Friendly | April 23, 2014

(My roommate and I are best friends. Though we sometimes are romantic with one another, he is gay, and I’m straight. One day, I’m lying on the couch, reading an erotic book. It’s from a female’s point of view, so there are long descriptions of male assets.)

Roommate: “Hey!”

(He starts reading over my shoulder. I ignore him, and turn the page.)

Roommate: “Ahh!” *recoils in horror*

Me: “Got to the girly bits, did you?”

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