Would Rather Be At Death’s Door

| Friendly | April 25, 2014

(My friend and I are talking. Our conversations usually take obscure turns. For some reason we end up discussing circumcision.)

Friend: “Yeah, my brother is circumcised.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “He got trapped in a door.”

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A Casual Remark To A Formal Request

| Friendly | April 25, 2014

(I am friends with a boy at school who never seems to wear anything but formal suits, even though it is a public school with no uniform.)

Me: “So, do you even own any casual clothes?”

Boy: “Casual clothes are for casual people.”

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A Few Holes In Their Knowledge, Part 2

| Friendly | April 25, 2014

(I’m over at my friend’s house. We have a mutual acquaintance who generally treats us poorly, so we don’t speak to her much. However, she likes to be the center of attention and often tells rather personal stories to keep things focused on her.)

Friend: “Hey, did you hear what happened with [Acquaintance] and [Acquaintance’s boyfriend]?”

Me: “What happened? Did they have a fight?”

Friend: “No, but [Acquaintance] said that she and [Acquaintance’s boyfriend] tried to have sex last weekend!”

Me: “What do you mean ‘tried?'”

Friend: “Well, they were at his place and got their clothes off, and he looks at her and says ‘where do I put it?'”

Me: “Okay. That’s not so bad, I guess. Didn’t [Acquaintance] say he went to [Catholic school with notoriously poor sex education class]?”

Friend: “Yeah, but that’s not even the best part! She didn’t know either!”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Friend: “Yeah! She made him Google it!”

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Playing Devil’s Advocate

| Friendly | April 24, 2014

(My father served a Mormon mission down in Louisiana for two years. This happened during their “preparation day,” which is the one day of each week dedicated to buying groceries, visiting the area, etc. He and his missionary companion enter a mall, and, near the doors, there’s a kiosk where members of another Christian denomination talk to people about their beliefs. Upon seeing the two Mormons come in with their suits and name badges, the group of other Christians suddenly rush out of their kiosk and surround my dad. One of them puts his hand on my dad’s forehead.)

Other Christian: “Satan, I command you to leave this body!”

(My dad pauses for an instant, before making his limbs outstretched and stiff, staring at the man who did the ‘exorcism’ with wide eyes.)

Dad: *in the darkest, lowest, most demonic voice he can muster* “IT DIDN’T WORK.”

(The group actually cowered in fear. My dad’s companion couldn’t stop laughing!)

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Don’t Need To Be Present To Give A Present

| Friendly | April 24, 2014

(I moved a long way away to university. My best friend of 10 years decided that she would prefer to stay at home and marry her boyfriend and work the same job that she’s always had. I carried on to do a Master’s at the same university and now also live in the area I studied, since I have a job there with good eventual promotion prospects. Over the five years I’ve been away she often got upset and talked about how everybody abandoned her, and didn’t understand that our choosing to go to university or to not settle down to marriage and kids straight out of school or even to stay in the same backwater little town had very little to do with hating her or her lifestyle choices and everything to do with just wanting to find something different. Whilst we used to talk on Skype a lot she rarely replies now and I literally cannot remember the last time she initiated a conversation, so I am surprised to see my phone ping to let me know I have a text from her.)

Friend: “Hey! I’ve just sent you an email list to let you know what I’d like you to get [Very Young Son] for Christmas! Don’t worry about postage. You can drop them next time you’re this way as [Very Young Son] is too little to mind if they’re late. Thanks. Bye!”

(The last time I heard from her before that was—you guessed it—letting me know what her young son wanted for his birthday!)

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