Some Friendship Is Overdue

| Friendly | April 4, 2014

(My friend’s birthday was a month ago, and she has finally settled on a date for her birthday party.)

Friend #1: “So you’ll be coming over to my place Saturday for my birthday party?”

Me: “No.”

Friend #1: “What do you mean no?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry, I have plans.”

Friend #1: “What?! I told everyone that my party was going to be this weekend and now you’re not even coming? I can’t believe you’re being so selfish and not coming to celebrate my birthday! Do you know how rude you’re being?!”

(Friend #1 storms away.)

Friend #2: “So, why aren’t you going this weekend?”

Me: “This Saturday is my birthday. I’m celebrating with my family. I guess she was too busy planning her long overdue party to remember when my birthday was…”

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Destructive Friendship

| Friendly | April 3, 2014

(I have just finished a very long an annoyingly tedious collage for a class. I am proud of how it looks and have made it three dimensional. My friend comes over and sets books down on my collage.)

Friend: “Who put this tray of garbage on the table? Just kidding. I knew it was your collage but it was gross and I think you should redo it because you can’t use this one anymore…”

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Astrip Club

| Friendly | April 3, 2014

(My friend is asexual. We are discussing the idea of a nightclub catering mostly to asexual people.)

Friend: “Woah!”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “It could have strippers who go on stage and get dressed!”

Me: “Woah…”

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Music To My Rears

| Friendly | April 3, 2014

(I am hanging out with a male friend and his girlfriend. This is my first time seeing them since we started college, and I am feeling nostalgic. My friend and his girlfriend are trying to figure out what music to listen to.)

Friend: “I don’t know what to play! You don’t like any of my music!”

Girlfriend: “Hey, I know! Play that song that I told you to play for [My Name]!”

Friend: “Oh, yeah. That.”

Girlfriend: “You know the song I’m talking about, right? It totally sounds like her. Doesn’t it?”

Friend: “I guess so.”

(My friend sounds unenthusiastic, but I am flattered that his girlfriend has been thinking of me. My friend plays the song, and his girlfriend turns the volume way up.)

Song: She’s a whooty….  a white girl with a booty!

Me: *speechless*

Girlfriend: “See, doesn’t it sound like [My Name]? I told you, [Friend]; she’s got the junk in the trunk! Come on. You had a crush on her for how many years?”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

(My friend awkwardly avoids looking anyone in the eye while his girlfriend continues to wax poetic about the size of my butt. I guess I should have known better than to expect some sappy friendship song!)

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Take Her To An Animal Expert, I Noah Guy

, | Friendly | April 2, 2014

(From the ages of three to seven, I like to walk on my hands and feet everywhere I go, pretending I am an animal. At the local pool, I climb up onto a table a woman is sitting at, make some animal noises, and then jump down, running off. My mother turns to the woman apologetically.)

Mother: “I’m sorry. She thinks she’s an animal sometimes.”

Woman: *taken aback and in a very serious tone* “Well, has she seen a doctor?”

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