Get Out Of Town!

| Friendly | April 8, 2014

(My boyfriend and I are out and about, bored, and decide to drop in on a friend of mine. On the way, we decide to call first just to make sure he’s home, but still want to surprise him somehow. I’m new to the area and as we go, I notice a sign…)

Friend: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi! Quick question. What’s an airport doing in [Tiny Town, which I wouldn’t have expected to have an airport]?”

Friend: “Business flights, mostly— Wait a minute. What are YOU doing in [Tiny Town]?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Also, [Boyfriend] and I are kidnapping you for videogames and dinner. We’ll be there in five minutes. Bye!” *click*

(He was outside when we got there five minutes later… with a very large Super-Soaker.)

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A Time For Giving Only

| Friendly | April 7, 2014

(Every year at Christmas, my family makes large batches of treats: peanut brittle, cheeseballs, fudge, brownies, and that’s just a beginning list of the goodies we tend to make. Because my budget is tight, I’ve made my best friend and her family a huge basket with a large amount of all these treats I’ve made from scratch and carried it over the night before Christmas.)

Friend’s Daughter: “Ooh, yay, goodies! I love your goodies.”

Me: *laughing* “Well, feel free to dig in. Just remember you have to share. I wish I could have given you guys more, but my bank account is really tight, so this is all the Christmas I could give.”

Friend: “I understand that.” *goes into a tangent of all the expensive things she bought her three kids: smartphones, new game systems, new expensive shoes…*

Me: “Ah, yeah, I didn’t even have money to get my car repaired. I’m scared it’s going to break on me soon.”

Friend: “Oh, I’m sorry.” *doesn’t sound sorry at all* “I just got a brand new car myself. I’m so excited. [Husband] surprised me with it, but the payments are so high on it.”

Friend’s Daughter: “There’s only food in here. Where’s the presents?”

Me: “Those are the presents. I made all of those for you guys to enjoy for Christmas.”

Friend’s Daughter: “That’s just sweets. Why didn’t you get me presents?”

Me: *really hurt* “You know, I don’t remember you buying me a present, young lady. I remember I bought you that really nice jewelry kit for your birthday two months ago and your brother got that full collection of movies from me.”

Friend: “That was their birthday, though. I can’t believe you didn’t buy any presents! That’s rude, [My Name)!”

Me: *smiles and picks up the basket of sweets* “You’re right. It totally was. I also noticed that you didn’t bother to buy me anything this year, either. Or the year before. Or the year before that. I’ll just remember how rude I was to bring you this large basket of food for Christmas.”

Friend’s Daughter: “No! Bring the fudge back!”

(I left with everything and haven’t talked to her or her family in over a year. Apparently, she’s mad at me for ruining her children’s Christmas.)

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Makes You Want To Bury Your Head In The Sand

| Friendly | April 7, 2014

(I am talking on the phone with a friend. We both live in California, but I am planning on going to university on Oahu. Previously, I have been to Oahu once, on vacation. I have just gotten a new skateboard and am learning how to ride it.)

Friend: “So, what did you do today?”

Me: “Practiced my skateboard a little. I still don’t really know how to turn it, but at least I didn’t fall.”

Friend: “How are you gonna skateboard in Hawaii?”

Me: “Oh, I’m just going to bring my skateboard in my luggage. It’s small enough to fit.”

Friend: “No, I mean how are you going to actually ride it? Hawaii is all sand!”

Me: “… What?”

Friend: *entirely serious* “It’s an island! It’s all sand!”

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Family Value Vs. Dollar Value

| Friendly | April 7, 2014

(My best friend’s father-in-law has passed away. We are at the viewing before the funeral. My best friend’s two-year-old daughter, my goddaughter, can very shy sometimes and has learned I will bribe her with a quarter speak to me.)

Me: “Hey, [Goddaughter]. Can I have a hug?”

Goddaughter: *shakes her head and hides behind her dad*

Me: “If you give me a hug…” *realizing I have no change* “…I’ll give you a dollar!”

Goddaughter: “Okay!” *runs over and hugs me*

(I pull out my wallet and give her my last dollar. At that point, a very attractive woman, who my best friend works with, walks up. She has seen the whole interaction.)

Attractive Woman: *laughing* “I want a dollar.”

Me: “Um, [Goddaughter], can I have my dollar back?”

Goddaughter: “No!” *runs away*

(My best friend starts laughing at my misfortune.)

Me: “Don’t laugh. Your daughter is learning to give affection to men for money.”

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ATM Is A Hamburglar

, | Friendly | April 5, 2014

(My best friend and I are hanging out in his dorm room up at college. It is getting late, approaching dinner time.)

Me: “Man, I’m getting hungry. I kinda don’t wanna go to the student union, though…”

Best Friend: “Yeah, me neither.”

Me: “We could go drive around and look for a good place to eat off-campus. See what’s available.”

Best Friend: “Aw, man… I’d love to, but I don’t have any cash on me right now and all I have is an ATM card. All the banks are probably closed by now.”

Me: “There’s an ATM in the lobby, though, isn’t there?”

Best Friend: “Yeah, but that’s not my bank! They charge an extra three bucks to use it if you’re not with them! That’s like, a hamburger or something! I don’t wanna waste my money…”

Me: “Yeah, OK. I get what you’re saying. Never mind that then.”

(We talk a little more, and decided that, despite wanting to get off-campus, we’ll just go to the student union after all. As we walk out of the halls and into the dorm building’s lobby, we pass by the aforementioned ATM.)

Best Friend: *pointing* “STUPID ATM! STEALIN’ ALL MY HAMBURGERS!”

(Needless to say, the girl at the front desk gave us some very strange looks as we left!)

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