Can’t Speak Flench

| Friendly | July 17, 2014

(My friend and her boyfriend are staying over at my apartment. We are drinking and goofing off and just having a good time. Eventually we get tired and decide to crash on my bed. My friend is sandwiched between me and her boyfriend, and we are all just trying to go to sleep, but she is still talking.)

Friend: “You know how people with a really thick Asian accent speak English, and how they replace the Ls with the Rs?”

Me & Her Boyfriend: “I don’t know. Just go to sleep!”

Friend: “I was just thinking, do you think they have that problem with other languages, like French?”

Me: “I seriously don’t know. Just go to sleep!”

Friend: “Okay.”

(A good ten minutes pass. I am almost asleep, when all of a sudden…)

Friend: “SACREBREU!”

(To this day we refer to this as the ‘Frasian’ incident.)

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Has The Balls To Propose

| Friendly | July 16, 2014

(My friend is a trans-woman, and because she passes well most people don’t notice.)

Friend: “So, I think I’m going to ask [Boyfriend] to marry me.”

Me: “Oh wow, that’s great! I’m sure he’ll say yes.”

(A stranger in front of us suddenly turns around and scowls.)

Stranger: “You can’t do that!”

Friend: “Pardon me?”

Stranger: “Women can’t ask men to marry them.”

Me: “Why not?”

Stranger: “Men need to be in control of decisions like that. When women do it, it emasculates them.”

Friend: “Oh, no worries about that, then. If his balls shrivel up or fall off, he can have mine.”

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Lady Bug Luck

| Friendly | July 16, 2014

(Every year my house is swarmed by ladybugs when it gets warm. This year it is particularly bad. I can’t even walk through the yard on the sun side of my house because the cloud of ladybugs is so thick. They also get into the house and our rec room is currently infested. This happens on the way to school.)

Classmate: “Oh look! You have a cute little ladybug on your bag!”

Me: “Where?”

Classmate: “Right there!” *points*

(I grab the ladybug and smash it on the floor.)

Classmate: “Why would you do that!? They’re good luck!”

Me: “If that were true it would be raining money at my house.”

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Weight Before Having Sex

| Friendly | July 16, 2014

(We were planning a baby pool for when our pregnant coworker would have her baby and what gender the baby would be.)

Coworker #1: “So it should be date, then sex, then weight.”

Coworker #2: “Because you should date before having sex!”

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Finally Worked It Out

| Friendly | July 16, 2014

Friend: “Ugh, I got so much time on my hands since I got fired. Plus I’m almost broke. D***, I wish there was a way to convert free time into money.”

Me: “I think that’s called working.”

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