No Longer Just Playing At Playing It Safe

| Friendly | April 28, 2014

(My friend and I are both female students in our junior year of college. We’re walking back to our cars after a night class. The campus is fairly dead at his hour, but not so much that we’d have an issue if we ran into trouble. Better safe than sorry, though. As we make our way down a footpath, a male student I vaguely know quickly passes us, giving us as wide a berth as he can. He gets about eight feet in front of us when I hear a sharp crackling: my friend has pulled out and armed a taser.)

Me: “Holy s***, [Friend]!”

Friend: “What? Can’t be too careful.”

Me: “That’s true, but isn’t that a bit, y’know, excessive? I know him, kind of; he’s okay. And he’s like forty feet away now. Oh, look, now he’s getting in his car. And driving away.”

Friend: “Yeah, ’cause he heard it. Probably scared him off.”

Me: “I’d run away too if I was minding my own business and a stranger started passive-aggressively threatening me with a taser! It’s good you want to stay safe, but… geez.”

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A Few Holes In Their Knowledge

| Friendly | April 27, 2014

(My friend is an only child. He doesn’t have much knowledge of female anatomy. We’re talking about my childhood home, which my parents are considering selling.)

Me: “I think it’s a shame that they have to sell it, because my placenta and my sister’s placenta are buried in the garden.”

Friend: “Your parents BURIED your PLACENTAS in the GARDEN?”

Me: “Yes. What else would you do with them?”

Friend: “I thought that after birth, the placenta slithered back up…”

(I burst into laughter. Once I’ve managed to calm down, I try to reassure him.)

Me: “Actually, what you said isn’t that bad. Another friend of mine used to believe that women only had two holes down there.”

Friend: “They don’t?!”

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Putting The Worst Into Bratwurst

| Friendly | April 26, 2014

Friend: “You know what bugs me?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “You know how they’ll have those commercials for big d*** pills and they always call it ‘natural male enhancement’?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Friend: “That always gets me thinking. If they have to call it natural male enhancement, they must be trying to distinguish it from un-natural male enhancement.”

Me: “Un-natural male enhancement? What would that be?”

Friend: “I dunno. Where they staple a hot dog to the end of it?”

Me: “… Well. I know what I’m not having for lunch.”

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Would Rather Be At Death’s Door

| Friendly | April 25, 2014

(My friend and I are talking. Our conversations usually take obscure turns. For some reason we end up discussing circumcision.)

Friend: “Yeah, my brother is circumcised.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “He got trapped in a door.”

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A Casual Remark To A Formal Request

| Friendly | April 25, 2014

(I am friends with a boy at school who never seems to wear anything but formal suits, even though it is a public school with no uniform.)

Me: “So, do you even own any casual clothes?”

Boy: “Casual clothes are for casual people.”

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