Forgot That Particular Detail

, | Friendly | May 26, 2014

(I work as security at a linear accelerator, operated by a famous university. We regularly get tourists pulling up and asking questions.)

Tourist: “So what does this lab do?”

Me: “The linear accelerator is a miles long tool that scientists use to look at subatomic particles.”

Tourist: “Well, I hope none of those particles come near me!”

Me: “Ma’am. I wouldn’t worry too much about that. You’re made of subatomic particles.”

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Bird-Brained Birds And Bees

| Friendly | May 26, 2014

(My friend and I are chatting about my fertility problems. She tends to be a bit of an airhead, but I love her anyway.)

Me: “So, that’s the trouble. We keep trying, but we just can’t seem to make it happen.”

Friend: “You do know how, right?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Friend: “What? No! I mean – like, if it’s a good time. I swear, I’m not asking if you know how to… you know…”

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Putting The Animal Into Animal Magnetism

| Friendly | May 25, 2014

(My friend is more than just a little bit of a weirdo. He is extremely random and refuses to care what others think unless it is nice. However, he seems to have a certain magnetism in his looks that no one really understands.)

Friend’s Dad: “I don’t understand what it is with [Friend]. He just attracts all the girls…”

Me: “Yeah, but then he says something and all bets are off.”

(At that exact moment he comes running out of the bathroom.)


Everyone: *laughing*

(It took at least 10 minutes for someone to gain enough composure to tell him why we were all laughing.)

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The Age Of Rampage

| Friendly | May 24, 2014

(I have recently made a friend who has a habit of saying ‘rampage’ after a sentence, be it his or another friend’s, as a joke. This happens when he, another friend, and I go out shopping. This was my first real time hanging out with him.)

Old Friend: “You read a lot of comics and manga. What would you suggest, since [New Friend] wants to start into it.”

Me: “Well, I like [Violent Manga Title]. It has one character who needs to keep a level of nicotine in his system or else he goes crazy and starts a rampage.”

New Friend: *picks up the title without hesitation*

Old Friend: “You said the one thing that got him interested.”

New Friend: “Rampage.”

(He purchases it. We then head to another store for my old friend to find new cell phone accessories, with no luck.)

New Friend: “So, why are you trying to get new accessories before you even have the new phone?”

Old Friend: “Because if I don’t then something will happen to it- like, it will break -and I will either be very sad or go on a rampage.” *looks to the new friend with an expectant look*

Me: *walking behind them* “Rampage.”

Old Friend: *whips around to look at me* “You two have been hanging out TOO MUCH!”

New Friend: “It’s just been today…”

Old Friend: “And THAT’S been too much!”

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And A Bottle Of Pun…

, , , , , | Friendly | May 23, 2014

(I am in AP Calculus. At the beginning of the year my teacher divided us into groups with which we are allowed to work on homework and some test problems. My group is my two friends and I. We are really not bad at Calculus, but we are a little crazy sometimes and easily get off topic.)

Me: “Guys, we need a group name!”

Friend #1: “Okay… like what?”

Friend #2: “Well, it needs to be a math pun, obviously.”

(We Google ‘math puns’ but don’t find any that work for a group name, so we begrudgingly settle in to do homework. Then, a few minutes later…)

Friend #2: “Oh, my gosh! We’re the pirates! Get it? Pi-rates? Like, pi?!”

Me & Friend #1: “That’s awesome!”

Me: “Now we just need a theme song!”

Friend #1: “Seriously?”

Me: “Yes. And I’ve already got it! ‘We are the pi-rates who don’t derive anything. We just sit in our corner and cry. And if you ask us to derive anything, we’ll just tell you… we don’t know how.'”

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