Just Crashed And Burned

| Friendly | April 29, 2014

(My friend and I usually get together in the mornings before school starts to play cards in the school cafeteria with some of our mutual friends. One day my friend is exceptionally late arriving which is very unusual as he is usually the first one to arrive.)

Me: “Where on earth have you been? You’re late! That never happens.”

Friend: “House burned down.”

Me: *laughs* “No, really. Where have you been?”

Friend: “My house burned down.”

(Turned out his house really had burned down. Guess who spent the rest of the day feeling like a turd?)

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The Holy Grail Of Comedy

| Friendly | April 29, 2014

(My friend and I are both huge Monty Python fans and used to watch them every weekend. We are invited to the Mayor’s office to receive certificates as a result of a club that we both belong to. We have been there for over 30 minutes and everyone is getting bored.)

Friend: “This is taking forever…”

(The mayor walks out and past where we are standing.)

Me: “Must be a King…”

Friend: “How do you know he’s a King?”

Me: “He hasn’t got s*** all over him.”

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Persuading A Child Is Easier Slayed Than Done

| Friendly | April 29, 2014

(I am visiting friends who have a five-year old daughter. Our conversation touches on the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch has just been cast as Smaug in ‘The Hobbit’, and has moved on to dragons in general.)

Girl: “Dragons are purple and green! Like Barney!”

Me: “Barney is a dinosaur, [Girl], not a dragon.”

Girl: “Purple and green!”

Me: “Barney’s a dinosaur, [Girl].”

Girl: “Purple! And! Green!”

Me: “Can Barney fly?”

Girl: “…”

Me: “Can Barney fly, [Girl]?”

Girl: “No…”

Me: “Can Barney breathe fire?”

Girl: “No…”

Me: “Does Barney sleep on a big pile of gold and jewelry and money?”

Girl: “Yes!”

Me: “… Okay, point.”

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No Longer Just Playing At Playing It Safe

| Friendly | April 28, 2014

(My friend and I are both female students in our junior year of college. We’re walking back to our cars after a night class. The campus is fairly dead at his hour, but not so much that we’d have an issue if we ran into trouble. Better safe than sorry, though. As we make our way down a footpath, a male student I vaguely know quickly passes us, giving us as wide a berth as he can. He gets about eight feet in front of us when I hear a sharp crackling: my friend has pulled out and armed a taser.)

Me: “Holy s***, [Friend]!”

Friend: “What? Can’t be too careful.”

Me: “That’s true, but isn’t that a bit, y’know, excessive? I know him, kind of; he’s okay. And he’s like forty feet away now. Oh, look, now he’s getting in his car. And driving away.”

Friend: “Yeah, ’cause he heard it. Probably scared him off.”

Me: “I’d run away too if I was minding my own business and a stranger started passive-aggressively threatening me with a taser! It’s good you want to stay safe, but… geez.”

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New Forms Of Water Torture

| Friendly | April 28, 2014

(For the record, I am incredibly clumsy and am constantly hitting my head on things.)

Me: “Ow! I just hit my head!”

Friend: “You have got to stop doing that. I know! I’m going to train you.”

(The next day.)

Me: “Ow! My knee!”

(I turn around to talk to another friend, when I’m hit with a squirt of water.)

Me: “What the heck?!”

Friend: “Bad [My Name]! Bad girl! Stop hurting yourself! See, I’m training you!”

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