What A Nice Caricature

| Friendly | June 4, 2014

(I am sitting on the bus, after having a bad morning, leftover from the day before that was even worse. I have my media player out, and am watching a clip from an animated Batman episode. A small girl, about four years old, is sitting with her mother next to me.)

Little Girl: *after she looks over to see what I’m doing* “You have cartoons?”

Me: *trying to be friendly* “Yeah. I have a lot of cartoons on this thing.”

(We sit quietly and watch the clip together, and I pull up a few more, much to the delight of the little girl. Their stop comes before mine, and it takes the mother a few attempts to get her daughter to pry her eyes off the current clip and follow.)

Little Girl: “Bye!”

(She stopped suddenly, then out of nowhere, turned around and hugged me. I returned it briefly, and smiled as she and her mother left to get off the bus. I don’t know who you are, little girl, but you made a miserable young woman who was having a rough week very happy, and your mother should be proud to raise someone as sweet as you.)

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Sins Of The Mother

| Friendly | June 4, 2014

(My friend has arranged a disco birthday party for her six-year-old daughter at a local club. She invited 10 of her daughter’s best friends, including my daughter. One of the mothers walks up.)

Parent: “We are here for [Daughter]’s party.”

Friend: “Great to see you!” *to the child* “If you’ll take a seat over there with [Daughter] while we wait for everyone else?”

Parent: *to all four of her children* “Go and sit with [Daughter].”

Friend: “But we only invited [Child].”

Parent: “No. It’s not fair that you only invited [Child]. I expect you to take all of my children.”

(The parent walks off and leaves the venue before we could react. My friend has to pay an added $45 for the extra children. One is a toddler, and they are very undisciplined. I stay and help supervise. At the end of the party we have to wait for the parent to finally turn up.)

Parent: *shoves something into friend’s hand* “Here, buy a gift for your daughter.” *takes kids and leaves*

(My friend, standing stunned, opens her hand to reveal $2.)

Me: “I’m guessing that woman will be wondering why her children will never get invited to anything more than once.”

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Judged By The Beast

| Friendly | June 3, 2014

(One of my closest friends is a youth pastor, and he has asked me to come to his church to judge a talent show. Before the talent show started, my friend took me and three other judges to another room to instruct us on what to do. He also gave us each a set of signs with large numbers printed on them, so that we can hold up our scores for each performance.)

Judge #1: “Hey, I just realized I don’t have a ‘6’ in my set of signs.”

Judge #2: “It’s not just you; I’m missing a ‘6,’ too.”

(Judge #3 and I also check our signs. We’re also missing the number ‘6.’)

Judge #3: “Oh, I know why! Maybe [Friend] didn’t give us any sixes so we don’t accidentally hold up a ‘666!'”

(This kind of made sense, considering where we were, and the judges seem content with that answer.)

Me: “Or you know, you could just hold the ‘9’ upside down, and [Friend] was trying to conserve paper and ink.”

Judge #3: “Err… yes, that is also a possibility.”

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Moshing Is The Pits

| Friendly | June 3, 2014

(My friends and I are standing around the mosh pit at a local show. It’s a pretty intense pit, with lots of flailing limbs and shoving.)

Me: “Let’s mosh.”

Friend #1: “No. If I go in there I’m sure something awful will happen to me.”

(At this point a very large bearded fellow stumbles out of the mosh pit, staggers up to my friend, kisses him full on the face, and wanders away.)

Friend #2: “… Did that just really happen?”

Friend #1: “Ew! He used his tongue and he had bad breath and now I have road rash!”

Me: “See? Not moshing does not prevent unpleasant things from happening!”

(Friend #1 moshed after that.)

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Don’t Be Down For The Count

| Friendly | June 3, 2014

(We’re getting ready to start playing a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign in which my husband is both the Dungeon Master and the world designer. One of the deities in his world, Abacus, is the god of law and order.)

Friend: “Abacus; you can count on him…”

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