(My friends and I are hanging out after eating a lot of pizza, and are discussing possibly heading out to a bar later on.)

Friend: “Yeah, we might be able to go. I just need to relax a bit first and settle my stomach.”

Me: “Well, I do have some antacid in my pocket.”

Friend #2: “What?”

Me: “I have some antacid in my pocket.”

Friend #2: “Oh, I thought you said you had some bananas in your pocket.”

Me: “Nope, I’m just happy to see you.”

(My best friend and I unknowingly grew up just a fifteen minute walk away from each other, so even though we only met two years ago some of our mannerisms and thought processes are the same due to exposure to the same media and pop culture as children. In this, we’ve gone to a party the night before and are lying on a blanket in a park the next day, looking up at the trees to kill time before going home.)

Me: *sees a leaf fall from the tree* “Hello, leaf!”

Friend: “Good luck on your adventure!”

Me: “To the ground?”

Friend: “To decompose and provide nutrients for the soil so it can continue on as a new leaf one day.”

(We’re silent for a second as our brains work, then simultaneously:)

Both Of Us: “It’s the ciiiircle of liiiiiife!”

(We are hanging out before the reception at a friend’s wedding, all the guys in suits and Friend #1 in her dress. We are in the elevator for a parking garage near a museum. A father and young daughter step in with us. She whispers to her dad and is hiding behind him.)

Father: “Excuse me, my daughter has a question.”

Daughter: *to Friend #1* “You are so pretty. Are you a princess?”

Friend #1: *leaning down and holding a finger up to her mouth* “Shh, it is a secret. I am a princess, but I am here to be a doctor.”

Daughter: “Oh! Daddy, can I be a doctor princess?!”

Father: “Well—”

Friend #1: *interrupting* “Yes, I can tell. If you work hard enough you too can be a doctor princess too!”

Daughter: “Yay!”

Father: *while getting off the elevator* “Thank you.”

Friend #2: “After you, Your Highness…”

(I’m IMing a co-worker/friend during the day. We’re discussing a boy I was seeing who was a baker, and the obvious perks.)

Friend: “The real loss is the bread you won’t be getting.”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s okay. I learned how to make the English muffin bread. It’s not that difficult. No bread-maker KNEADED.”

Friend: “…You can stop now.”

Me: “At YEAST admit it was funny. It’s BUTTER if you just let me have this one.”

Friend: “…”

Me: “DOUGH-n’t be like this.”

Friend: “You’re so lucky your desk is on the completely opposite side of the office.”

(Friend #2 has been apartment-sitting for Friend #1.)

Friend #1: “What did you do to my plant while I was gone?”

Friend #2: “Why? Is it dead?”

Friend #1: “No, it’s never looked so healthy.”

Friend #2: “I’ve been watering it with Jack Daniels.”