It’s A Muggle’s Games

| Friendly | April 16, 2014

(My best friend is at my apartment with me, my roommate, and my fiancé, and we are playing Taboo. In this game, you have to get others to guess a word without saying any of the related words beneath it on the card. We aren’t playing it by the rules; just taking turns trying to get everyone else to guess without keeping score.)

Roommate: *draws card* “Hmm… world cup.”

Best Friend & Me: *in unison, with conviction* “OH! QUIDDITCH!”

(My fiancé and roommate look at me and my best friend like we’ve lost it.)

Fiancé: SOCCER.

Roommate: “Did you guys seriously forget Quidditch isn’t a real sport?

Me: “… Yes.”

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Dying For A Cigarette

| Friendly | April 15, 2014

(The light rail runs down Main Street on both sides of the median. The rail stations are located on the median between the rails. As I am waiting at the station for the southbound train, a man walks up to the station from the wrong side. There’s a barricade preventing people from entering the platform there. They want people to use the crosswalks, where it’s safer, so he is standing ON the northbound railroad tracks as we had this conversation.)

Panhandler: “Can you help me out with a cigarette? I think I can get around the system by asking from here. Ya see, the police gave me a ticket for $175 on the way down here and…”

(The police give tickets for panhandling at the rail station.)

Me: *I leaned over the barrier to look down the rail* “There’s a train coming!”

Panhandler: “Could you help—”

Me: “It’s right there! Do you want to get run over? Get the h*** off the track!”

(The panhandler dashes back to the sidewalk and seconds later the train rolled past. As soon as it was gone, he walked back onto the rail and up to the barricade.)

Panhandler: “Could you help me out with a cigarette?”

Me: “I just saved your life. I kept you from getting run over by a train. I think I’ve helped you enough.”

Panhandler: “But is that REAL help?”

Me: “If you asked most people which is more help, a cigarette or keeping them from getting run over by a train, they’d go with the ‘not getting run over by a train’ option as being more helpful.”

Panhandler: “Do you think it’s illegal for me to be asking for a cigarette from here? I’m trying not to get a ticket. I’m trying to buck the system.”

Me: “I think you can get a ticket for hanging out ON the railroad tracks. And you can get run over by a train.”

Panhandler: “I think… maybe I need to stop thinking.”

Me: “Maybe you need to start thinking.”

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They Need A Break From Each Other

| Friendly | April 15, 2014

(Several years ago, I was ice skating with Friend #1 during Thanksgiving break. I had difficulties moving, and I needed Friend #1 to give me a push. I ended up tripping from the push and breaking my left arm in three places. Ever since then, Friend #1 has jokingly bragged about breaking my arm to near everyone he meets or otherwise knows. Fast forward several years later to our 2012 summer break, where I, Friend #1, and four other friends are setting up a game of Warhammer 40,000 on the upper level of my family’s outdoor deck.)

Friend #2: “All right. So, bathroom break, then we start this?”

Friend #4: “This is how we start the summer, like total nerds.”

Friend #3: “Oh, come on. This is fun.”

Friend #1: *speaks up suddenly* “So, speaking of fun, wanna know something fun to do here at [My Name]’s house?”

(I am about to ask Friend #1 what he means, but before I could ask or anyone could answer, he immediately bounds down the deck’s steps towards a built-in bench. I realize he is about to jump off the flat railing of the bench onto the hill behind it, and don’t say a word since we’ve safely done it before. Friend #1, however, jumped off of the bench ITSELF instead of the flat railing BEHIND it, leading him to land face-first into the hill.)

Me: *chuckling* “Yo, [Friend #1], you okay?”

(My other friends are mixed between asking if he’s all right and laughing as well, although after we get him, he complains about being sore. Around ten to fifteen minutes later, my mom comes home and finds Friend #1 still moping about his arms. After she took him home, his mother ended up taking him to the doctor’s office. Apparently, he had managed to break BOTH of his arms, with a total of three fractures, just like I had. After a day or two, I visit him at his house, where both his arms are in casts.)

Me: “Dude, that sucks.”

Friend #1: *laughs* “Those meds are awesooomeee…”

Me: “Huh?”

Friend #1’s Mother: “They gave him morphine for the procedure or some other drug. He’s still getting over it. This is kinda a reversal of what happened to you a couple years back, huh, [My Name]?”

Me: “Wait, you’re right! I broke my arm the day before Thanksgiving; he did it just as summer break started!”

Friend #1’s Mother: *smirking* “You even have the same number of fractures! Ha!”

Me: “Karma, you took a long time getting here, but thank you!”

Friend #1: “Aw, screw you, man…”

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Tackling All The Weighty Issues

| Friendly | April 15, 2014

(My cousin and I are out walking one afternoon, and we are approached by an older woman who neither of us had met before. Ignoring me completely, she hones in on my cousin who, while not skinny, isn’t really what you’d call overweight.)

Stranger: “Hi, there! I just wanted to let you know about this group we’re running at the local leisure centre for teenage mothers. I have some leaflets here, in case you want to take a look?”

Cousin: *slightly gobsmacked* “Uh, thanks, but I’m not pregnant…”

Stranger: “Oh. Right.” *pause* “We also run a group for teenagers with eating disorders!”

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I Just Got To Break Free Of Gaga

| Friendly | April 14, 2014

(Some friends and I are at a bar on karaoke night. As a group we get up and sing, very poorly, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen.)

Friend: “We were great! Don’t you think we were great?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Way better than Freddie Mercury.”

Friend: “Who?

Me: “[Friend], I love you, but you have to stop listening to Lady Gaga.”

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