First Class Has No Class

| Friendly | April 22, 2014

(After my best friend moved down the coast, I make two or three trips a year to visit him. By booking well in advance and using a rail card, I get a first class ticket. This particular trip I have sat in my reserved seat and have just put my laptop on the table when two business-types, a man and a woman, walk into the carriage. The man sits down opposite me and the woman just stands and stares at me.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: *stares*

Me: “Um, right. Could you not stare at me. It’s making me uncomfortable.”

Woman: *stares*

Man: “Get out of her seat, please.”

Me: “Er… this is my seat?”

Man: “Look you’re a kid. You probably made a mistake. That’s okay, but this is first class and you need a reservation for these seats.”

Me: “Yes, I know. I have my ticket right here and the reservation with it.”

Man: “That’s not right. They don’t sell first class tickets to children. Now leave before I make you.”

(I should note that the woman has just stood there and stared at me this whole time.)

Me: “Yes, they do. I have one here. If you try and make me using physical force I will be well within my rights to use self defense.”

Man: “Look, I don’t want to hurt you. I do karate so I could easily break your arm if I needed to. I think it best you leave.”

(At this point the conductor reaches the carriage and the man sits back looking very smug, thinking I’m about to be thrown out. The conductor checks my ticket and then asks the man for his.)

Conductor: “Sir, this ticket is for the train heading to Manchester. You are on the train heading to Plymouth. I’m not really sure how you ended up here since that service leaves from an entirely different station. You will need to get off at the next stop and the station conductor will fine you for traveling on this service without a valid ticket.

(The man’s and woman’s faces went through an alarming range of colors including red, white, and blue before they both got up and headed to the end of the carriage wherein they started making frantic phone calls.)

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Sex Sells; No Refunds

| Friendly | April 21, 2014

(My best friend and I are texting. We’re both a few months away from graduating middle school. She is terrified of anything remotely sexual, and I’ve said something that apparently crossed her boundaries with that.)

Best Friend: “EW! EEEW!”

Me: “… I am so sorry for this comment, but if this is how you react to sex throughout high school, then you are probably going to have a tough time with losing your virginity.”

Best Friend: “EEEW! I’m keeping that for a while, thank you very much. I only have one and there is no warranty.”

Me: “… Best. Remark. Ever.”

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Give Them The Cold Shoulder

| Friendly | April 21, 2014

(When my first son was five years old, I had a second son. A few weeks after he was born, I took them both to a park so that my older son could use up some energy. Since it is the middle of May in Florida, it’s pretty warm out, so I have my infant in a onesie outfit and socks. A middle aged woman sees him in his baby carrier.)

Woman: “Oh, your baby is so adorable! How old?”

Me: “Thanks. He’s almost a month old.”

Woman: “Only a month? Oh, my God! You need to cover him up! He’s going to freeze!”

Me: “Oh, no, he’s fine. It’s over 80 degrees out, so I don’t want him to get too warm.”

Woman: “No, you really need to cover him up! Don’t you know that babies have really thin skin? Here, take this!”

(She pulls a scarf out of her purse and starts to pull it over my son.)

Me: “No, thanks. He’s fine, really. He’s my second son, so I’ve done this before.”

Woman: “Take this! He is going to FREEZE!” *tries to shove the scarf on top of my son*

Me: “Okay. Thanks, but no thanks. We’re just going to leave.”

(I call my older son over and we start to walk to our car.)

Woman: *calling after me* “You really need to learn how to take care of babies!”

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Deaf To Your Blindness

| Friendly | April 21, 2014

(Two older, tenured professors have been friends for many, many years, and they’re working on a large professional association committee, planning a conference. One of the association administrators is making sure every single one of the 200+ programs has a committee member present at the program during the conference.)

Administrator: “[Faculty #1], for all your programs [Student] will be your assistant. She’s over there in the corner.”

Faculty #1: “Hold on. Let me put my glasses on so I can hear.”

Administrator: “You need your glasses to hear?”

Faculty #2: *from across the room* “Don’t be sitting over there acting like you can hear! I’ve always been your eyes!”

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No Need To Get Shirty About It

| Friendly | April 20, 2014

(My sons and I decided to try an experiment wherein we found a reason to compliment at least three people a day. We were doing this in our local store, telling people they had a nice shirt, had handled a situation well, or some such thing. When I told an elderly woman she had a pretty shirt, she just stares at me.)

Elderly Woman: “Are you stupid or something?”

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