Having Some Reservations About That Seat

| Friendly | May 12, 2014

(I’m sat at a table with headphones on waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. The table has three seats, and I am sitting in one of them. A woman approaches and gestures to the empty seats opposite me.)

Woman: “Excuse me, but is this seat taken?”

Me: “Not at the moment, no, bu—”

Woman: *shouting over my head* “Okay, love! Over here!”

(Before I can comment further, the woman proceeds to shove my drink out of the way, and begins to sit down.)

Me: “Um, excuse me? I said that the seat wasn’t taken at the moment, but it will be shortly when the person I am waiting for arrives. Moreover, I didn’t give you permission to sit there, nor did you ask for it, which is extremely rude of you. So if you could kindly move on?”

Woman: “Oh, well, you had your headphones on and I didn’t hear you. Anyway, I’m sitting down now.”

Me: “These prevent me from hearing, not you.”

(The woman begins to argue back, when her husband approaches behind me, and my boyfriend behind her.)

Me: *to my boyfriend* “Sorry. I did save you a seat but it’s been taken.”

Woman’s Husband: *to his wife* “You just randomly sat at this poor woman’s table?!” *to me* “Sorry, love. I’ll get her to move!”

Boyfriend: “Erm, happy birthday?”

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On The Wrong Bearing

| Friendly | May 12, 2014

(A friend is a former ranger and thinks he’s ‘Mr. Outdoorsman.’ He has taken me backpacking at his favorite ‘secret trout stream.’ The night before, he tried to weird me out by telling me about the stringer of fish that once ‘mysteriously disappeared’ during the night. I said it was probably a bear. We are hiking back to the trailhead.)

Friend: “I’ve always wondered what got those fish.”

Me: “I told you. It was probably a bear.”

Friend: “Someone told me there might be Sasquatch in this area.”

Me: “Yeah, right. I told you. It was probably a bear.”

Friend: “There are no bears in this area.”

Me: “[Friend], this is the Sierras. Of course there are bears here.”

Friend: “In all my years, I’ve never seen a bear here.”

Me: “They could just be hanging out in places where you haven’t seen them.”

Friend: “Nope. There are no bears around here. There isn’t any reason for them to be here.”

Me: “Fine. Have it your way.”

(We keep hiking for about a half hour, and discuss other things. At this point, we come to an open hillside where the trail passes through a large thicket of berry bushes. As we approach, a small black bear breaks out of the bushes and runs away, crossing the trail about thirty feet in front of us as he does so.)

Me: “[Friend], what’s that?”

Friend: *grudgingly* “It looked kinda like a bear.”

Me: “It looked very much like a bear. As a matter of fact, it WAS a bear!”

Friend: “Wow, that’s weird. I wonder why he was here? He should know there are no bears around here!”

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The Forgotten Decade

| Friendly | May 12, 2014

(My friend and I have just watched ‘The Wedding Singer,’ which is set in the ‘80s. We were both born in 1981.)

Friend: “I wish I was alive during the ‘80s”

Me: “Do you realise what you’ve just said?”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “You WERE alive during the ‘80s. You were born in ‘81!”

Friend: “Oh, yeah….”

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Should Swear Off Violence

| Friendly | May 9, 2014

(I am hanging out after school with two of my friends. I do not swear often but my friends do. One of them is trying to get me to swear because he has never heard me say a curse word.)

Friend #1: “I’ve never heard you swear, [My Name]. I’ve only heard [Friend #2] swear once.”

Me: “It doesn’t work that way. I have to get mad at you.”

Friend #2: “Yeah. Me, too.”

(Friend #1 then proceeds to slap me in the face.)

Friend #2: “Oh, s***!”

Me: “What the f***?”

Friend #1: “Ha! Killed two birds with one stone.”

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Back Ended Compliment

| Friendly | May 9, 2014

(A friend and I are looking through a clearance rack. I have recently lost about 30lbs.)

Friend: “Hey, you wear a small shirt now. Stop looking in the large section.”

Me: “I know. Habit, I guess.”

Friend:  “You can still look at large pants, though. You’re a** is HUGE!”

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