(My family had just gotten a new dog. As I was visiting in the next couple of days, I wanted to get some toys and treats to spoil her rotten. My roommate decides to help so we head out to the nearest pet shop. As we’re browsing the aisles…)

Roommate: “Hey, d’you wanna bone?”

(I turn around to see him holding a large meat bone from the shelf.)

Me: “Oh, definitely!”

(I put it in my basket and we keep browsing for a little longer until it hits me.)

Me: “Wait… that sounded wrong.”

Roommate: “What did?”

Me: “Er… nothing.”

(Cut to a couple of days later when I’m packing to go over my family’s house. He casually passes by the hall with a load of laundry before stopping and backing up to stick his head through my door.)

Roommate: “Oh, dear god, I JUST got it!”

(It’s finals week and really cold, which is quite unusual where I live. My friend and I have just come out of the examination hall and are waiting outside for the next paper to start. Note that my friend is a really short girl while I’m a  considerably tall guy. She is sitting on the ground next to a supporting column while I stand as my legs are really sore. The following conversation ensues.)

Friend: “Sit down.”

Me: “Don’t wanna. My legs are really sore from sitting for so long.”

Friend: “Then sit down and spread your legs.”

Me: “That won’t help.”

Friend: “It’s hard for me to look at you though!”

Me: “Lean against that pillar, then.”

Friend: *getting frustrated, therefore shutting down her mind to mouth filter* “Sit your a** down and spread your legs!”

Me: *speechless for a moment before I burst out laughing*

Friend: *blushes furiously* “Nooooo! I didn’t mean that!”

(I was laughing too hard to make a comeback.)

(My wife and I have a friend over. She stays late despite telling us repeatedly that she has work in the morning. My wife is a public employee and due to the next day being a holiday, has the day off. As it gets later, this conversation happens:)

Wife: “I’m so glad I don’t have work in the morning.”

Friend: “Lucky! I wish I didn’t have work in the morning.”

(I’ve been unemployed for over a month.)

Me: “Lucky! I wish I had work in the morning!”

(My female friends and I are discussing our period cramps, for some reason. My group is composed of both boys and girls.)

Girl: “I have the worst cramps ever! It feels like I’m literally dying!”

Girl #2: “Wow, that must suck! I don’t get many cramps at all!”

Boy: “I don’t either!” *referring to stomachaches*

Me: “Err… you do know what they’re talking about, right? It’s not stomach pains.”

Boy: “Then what is it?”

Me: “Period cramps…”

Boy: “What’s a period?”

(I’m completely in shock, as we are halfway through high school and no one has bothered to tell him.)

Me: “Do you have a sister?” *wondering if he has someone that might explain it to him instead of me*

Boy: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well, like… girls bleed… from a certain spot… when they become a certain age… because—”

Boy: “SOMEONE’S GOING TO HURT MY SISTER?! I’LL KILL THEM!”

Me: “Just… forget about it.”

(I’m a freshman in high school. My sister graduated the year before, so when I join the drama club she was in, a lot of the members know her. In our club, a member hosts the cast party on the last night of the play. I’ve volunteered to host and I’m writing my address on a white board backstage.)

Student: “Wait, I thought that was your old address?”

Me: “What?”

Student: “We had the cast party at your house once, but that was before you moved. That’s the address we went to.”

Me: “Moved?”

(I’m confused because my family hasn’t moved houses since moving to our town about five years ago. I bring it up to my sister when she comes home to visit.)

Me: “So, [Student] thought we moved.”

Sister: “Oh yeah. One time I didn’t want to go to play practice so I told our drama teacher we were moving. [Student] must have overheard.