Hate Before Hymns

| VA, USA | Friendly | March 14, 2014

(I’m in my late 20s at a Mass largely attended by college students and retirees. Before the first hymn, we’re supposed to stand and greet each other; typically just a hello. The woman beside me looks to be in her 60s.)

Older Woman: *turning to greet me* “My! You have the most beautiful skin.”

Me: “Oh, thank you—”

Older Woman: “If I were younger I’d hate you.”

(Thank goodness the song started, because I had no idea what to say to that!)

A Mother Lode Of Irresponsibility

| NJ, USA | Friendly | March 13, 2014

Me: “Soooooo, I have something to tell you guys!”

Friend #1 & #2: “ARE YOU PREGNANT?!”

Me: “… I am holding a half-drunk glass of wine. So, no.”

Friend #1: “Oh, right.”

Friend #2: “Well, maybe you just weren’t planning on being a very responsible mom!”

Save That Idea For ‘Sharknado 3’…

| Erie, PA, USA | Friendly | March 13, 2014

(I overhear two mid-40s women talking.)

Stranger: “Are there wild cows? Like, can you go into the forests and hunt them like sharks?”

Getting Pretty Upset

| Oxnard, CA, USA | Friendly | March 13, 2014

(I am a sophomore in high school, and currently walking to school. I am waiting for the green to cross the street when I see a very disheveled woman storming her way towards me.)

Upset Woman: *midway through a rant* “—that’s how it was when I was beautiful!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. What? I didn’t catch that.”

Upset Woman: “Of course you didn’t! You NEVER catch how fleeting your beauty is! You think you’re just a smoking little pistol, don’t you?!”

(The green signals me to cross the street. I start walking, but the woman follows me, still in her conversation at me.)

Me: “Not really. I’m just walking—”

Upset Woman: “Well, I used to be beautiful, too! That was before THIS!”

(The woman pulls down the top of her blouse, revealing most of her cleavage. It is aged, but beyond that I’m just shocked that this woman is flashing me.)

Upset Woman: “Now no one will love me! I’m hideous! Damaged goods! If we both fell down a long flight of stairs and ended up HORRIBLY MANGLED, you know who they’d save?”

Me: *trying to avoid the conversation* “I don’t think that’s likely to happen.”

Upset Woman: “They’d save you! Because cops only rescue the pretty ones, leave the worthless garbage in the dark where it belongs!”

(She rants on like this for a few more blocks, and eventually she turns down a different street. Thankfully I never saw her again! Yikes!)

Shuffling And Trotting To The End

| USA | Friendly | March 12, 2014

(I volunteer at a nonprofit organization, calling other volunteers we have not heard from recently.)

Volunteer’s Husband: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello! My name is [My Name] and I am a volunteer with [Nonprofit]. I am looking for [Volunteer]. Is she available?”

Volunteer’s Husband: “You’re looking for [Volunteer]?”

Me: “Yes, sir!”

Volunteer’s Husband: “Well, I found her many years ago, and I have kept her ever since. I intend on keeping her, but I suppose if you’re willing to wait a minute and a half, or maybe less, she’ll shuffle in and I can give her the phone, and you’ll have found her… Ah! Here she comes, walkin’ in… Not trotting, mind you, but she’s still fully capable of doing that, if you were wondering… And, since you’ve waited so patiently, I suppose I’ll give the phone over to her and she can say hello. [Volunteer], say hello to the girl!”

(After which he handed the phone to his wife and I was able to speak to her. Thank you, sir, for making my day with your wonderful way of answering the phone!)

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