(I’ve recently moved in with two friends of mine, one of whom is in the kitchen with me as we cook supper. I’m currently cutting up some potatoes for a potato bake while she manages the stove.)
Me: “Just need to cut up the potatoes and we’ll be good to go.”
Friend: “Wait, what? Why do you need to shut up the potatoes?”
Me: “CUT up. How does ‘shutting up the potatoes’ even make sense?”
Friend: “I don’t know! Maybe you’re a potato whisperer or something!”
(I am texting a friend about an essay she is trying to write.)
Friend: “My brain is dead because I’m trying to write this essay!”
Me: “I can do it!”
Friend: “Write my essay?”
Me: “Sorry, autocorrect. I meant ‘u.’”
Friend: “Darn.”
(I and my friends are talking in our car. The person driving the car is Friend #1’s mom. It is a red light. We have just come back from swimming.)
Me: “Hey, [Friend #1], how come you didn’t go on the blue water slide? It was so fun. [Friend #2] and I went on it, like, 30 times.”
(As soon as I said that, we hear a large bump that our car goes over.)
Friend #1’s Mom: *very loud crying*
Friend #1’s Dad: *gets out of car, sees we almost ran OVER someone* ” I’m very sorry. So sorry. Sorry.
Stranger On Bike: “WHAT THE F***, DUDE. CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S CLEARLY SAYING PEDESTRIANS CAN WALK ACROSS NOW?! WHAT THE F***!”
Friend #1’s Dad: “So sorry. Very sorry,. I hope you aren’t hurt. Very sorry.”
Stranger On Bike: *bikes away* “F*** YOU.” *flips us off*
(My friends and I are still talking about what just happened. Friend #1 starts blaming himself for the accident.)
Friend #1: “We were talking too much. That’s why we almost ran him over.”
Me: “So, why didn’t you go on the blue water slide.”
Friend #2: Really? After that just happened?”
(My friend and I are both copy editors on our college newspaper, which makes us significantly more interested in grammar than the average Joe. I’ve found a newspaper column dedicated to the minutiae of grammar.)
Me: *reading from the newspaper about gendered pronouns* “Last month a chatter said, ‘If the person is a she, a prostate exam is not an issue.’ This is not always true. See–” *a link to a medical page about trans people* “The columnist’s reply was ’But, but, but …’”
Friend: “I don’t get it.”
Me: “What are prostate exams known to involve? Don’t worry; you’ll get it in the end.”
Friend: “Yeah, okay. Your number two joke is pretty good, sir. I guess I deserved it; my pun account was in arrears.”
(My friend is the wife of our church minister; we are working together in the church office when her husband comes back from delivering food hampers to families in need. He’s looking a bit angry.)
Minister: “I need you to remove [Family] off the food hamper list.”
Friend: “Why? What’s happened?”
Minister: “Well, when I delivered the hamper today, [Name] asked me to carry it in. I usually leave it at the door because she’s rarely home. I noticed that they had [Cable] so I asked how they could afford it if they can’t afford to buy food. [Name] told me that they have the most expensive cable and Internet package and that they make sure that they pay for it first when they get paid. Then she showed me the brand new furniture she just bought. So I told them that this would be the last food hamper they would be getting from the church. We have so many families in true need, ones that we can’t afford to support.”
