(I’m driving down the highway with two of my friends.)

Friend #1: “Hey, [Friend #2], were you born on the highway? Cause that’s where most accidents happen.”

Friend #2: “Was your mom texting when she conceived you? Cause that’s how most accidents happen.”

Me: “Were you guys born between five to six pm? Because that’s when most accidents happen.”

(We’re all 23.)

(While in university in 2006 I have one friend who unfortunately over the long run turns about to be a real p****. Frequently he will go into arrogant rants about how he is so much better than us due to him liking different stuff. One night I, my other two housemates, this guy, and a female friend are all out in a bar. As usual this guy is pissed off about something unrelated (which happens often) and throughout the night he is either angrily mocking us or snapping at anything we say. Finally we get to talking about music; immediately this guy decides to put us down.)

Old Friend: “Don’t talk to me about music. You guys don’t know s*** about good music. Like you–” *points to female friend* “–with your f****** Christina Aguilera, you with your s***** Oasis, and you–” *points to one my male housemates* ” –liking those crappy old bands like Queen or Genesis. All people you like are f****** sellouts!”

Me: “Mate, just give it a rest!”

Old Friend: “Why don’t you f*** off! Face it, you know nothing about anything good. I like real music like Jose Gonzalez, Aphex Twins, and Boards of Canada! None of the people I like are f****** idiots who sell themselves out!”

(Our female friend is quite shy and not normally known for speaking out, but this time she comes up with a real zinger.)

Female Friend: “Didn’t Jose Gonzalez sell his music for a Sony commercial recently?”

Old Friend: “Yeah? So f***** what?”

Female Friend: “Well, that’s kinda how he became known recently; does that also make him a sellout?”

(The reaction on my old friend’s face was priceless! He went throughout every emotion possible before he stormed out while we laughed loudly. Sadly this was to become common in the last couple of years. Now none of us are on speaking terms with him. I will always remember his expression that night.)

(I am looking through the screenshots on my phone and come across this gem from a chat I had with a married friend I met online.)

Me: “What’s on the agenda for tonight?”

Friend: “Going to the store to check out mistresses! YES!” *rolling eyes*

Me: “Ay ay ay…”

Friend: “LOL, MATTRESSES!”

(Pause.)

Friend: “For the bed! Not mistresses… which I guess would also be for the bed.”

(Somehow, I am a magnet for homeless people and vagrants asking me for money. While I respect their plight, I am not in the position to donate money. In fact, I have stopped carrying cash with me most places, so my response can be “Sorry, I have NO money with me.” Most people understand, but this interaction with a particularly persistent man took the cake.)

Man: “Miss, do you have a spare dollar?”

Me: “No, sorry, I have NO money on me.”

Man: “There’s an ATM right there…”

Me: “I’m not comfortable taking money out of my bank account right now.”

Man: “Well, could you buy me a beer, at least?”

Me: “Sorry, I’m not 21.”

Man: “Fine… b****!”

(I’m hanging out with a friend, and we decide to go to a sushi restaurant.)

Me: “The calamari here is really good. Want me to order you any?”

Friend: “No. I love cephalopods too much. Eating octopus would be like eating a cat.”

Me: “Do you mind if I order it for myself, then?”

Friend: “Oh, that’s fine. Go ahead.”

(Later, I get my calamari and start eating it.)

Friend: “Okay, I have to try it.” *she takes a piece of calamari off my plate and eats it* “Dang it! It’s good.”