A Sin-ple Explanation

| Clarksville, TN, USA | Friendly | April 14, 2014

(I’ve recently had to switch churches, so I’ve been ‘shopping around’ for another one. A friend of mine hears this and invites me to go to his. The service is pleasant and all the people I talk to are nice. But this one lady’s been asking a lot of questions that almost make me feel like I’m getting interviewed.)

Lady: “So, deary, can I ask what your birthday is?”

Me: “December 25th. Why?”

(The lady goes pale. I’ve had a lot of people have a “huh” factor to me telling them my birthday, but the lady has a genuine look of fear on her face.)

Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

(She keeps quiet and walks off. I feel uncomfortable but think nothing of it until an usher comes up and starts pushing me to the door.)

Me: “Hey, hey, what’s going on?!”

Usher: “Don’t play stupid. Miss [Lady] told us that you told her you were a Satanist.Your kind are not allowed in this house of God. We will not let you lead our flock astray.”

Me: “Wait, she said what?! She spent ten minutes asking me questions and walked off when I told her I was born on the 25th of December!”

(The Usher stops pushing me and stares me in the eyes. At this point I’m sad and angry and glaring at him with tears starting to stream down my face. He grimaces before walking off. I don’t hear any more of it and decide to just head home. When I return, there’s a call on my answering machine.)

Message: “Hello, this is Pastor [Name] from [Church]. I would just like to let you know that Miss [Lady] has been banned from our property for her behavior. Being born on the same day as Christ does NOT make you any kind of Satanist and for her to insist that it was is unacceptable. We hope that you’ll return some day. The rest of the people I talked to said they enjoyed your company.”

(It turned out the woman’s questions were because she had a very strict view of what was ‘Christian,’ and if someone failed her checks she’d find an excuse to have them banned from the church. The story she used about me was so exaggerated that they did some more looking in and found that at least two more people had been kicked out for being a teen mom (claiming she r**** the father of the child) and a bi-curious boy (who she claimed told her he had orgies weekly), respectively. I went back to the church next week and she was nowhere in sight. It’s been two years and they’re the best, friendliest, and most spiritual church I’ve ever had. The other two people were even allowed back, and I talk with them frequently!)

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Friendship Is A Gift

| Waterloo, IA, USA | Friendly | April 14, 2014

(On my birthday my brother brought a friend over to spend the night. I got to know him and we became best friends. Several months later we are talking.)

Me: “I just realized something.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “We met on my birthday.”

Friend: “Yeah, I remember that.”

Me: “I guess that make you the world’s gift to me.”

Friend: “Ha ha! Yeah, I guess it does.”

Hellish Assumptions

| Orlando, FL, USA | Friendly | April 13, 2014

(I have blue hair and dress kind of gothic. I overhear this when passing a lady.)

Child: “Mommy, why are you crying?”

Mother: *gestures to me* “Because that lady is going to Hell, and that makes Mommy sad.”

To Forget Is A Sin

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Friendly | April 12, 2014

(My roommate and I are at home, and he is annoyed at an ongoing situation at work. He’s pacing the living room while I’m playing a game on the computer.)

Roommate: *turning his head upwards* “Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?!”

Me: “Probably the sins.”

Roommate: “Oh, right. The sins.”

Stupid Friends Are A Hobbitual Hazard

| Norway | Friendly | April 11, 2014

(We’re having a movie night at the youth club, and a couple of counselors and I are discussing movies. I’m a 20-year-old female, Friend #1 is a 16-year-old female and Friend #2 is a 15-year-old male.)

Friend #1: *after Friend #2 and I discussed ‘127 Hours’* “No, I don’t want to see that! Why would you tell me how it ends?”

Me: “Really? It’s based on a 10-year-old real event; it’s not like it’s a spoiler.”

Friend #1: “It is when I haven’t heard the story!”

Me: “There was even a book about it. It’s like when people complain about The Hobbit spoilers when the book came out 70 years ago.”

Friend #1: “The book and the movie are two different things!”

Me: “No, not really.”

Friend #1: “Whatever. What’s this about?” *picks up movie*

Friend #2: “It’s your typical surfer movie. You know, all about catching that big wave.”

Friend #1: “Are there any cute guys in it?”

Friend #2: “Sure.”

Me: “Yeah, him!” *points to the male lead*

Friend #1: “Really? Who is he?”

Me: “You’re kidding, right? That’s Gerard Butler.”

Friend #1: “Don’t know him. Wait, his name is Butler? Isn’t that like a house-cleaner person?”

Me: “Do I even know you?”

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