Listening To The Voice Of Unreason

| Dallas, TX, USA | Friendly | January 21, 2014

(I’m living with my two best friends; we’ve just moved into a new apartment. One day, I swear I hear voices coming from the dishwasher. Both of my friends think I’m bonkers, and we all drop the subject. A few months later, I’m sitting in the living room doing homework, while my bestie is telling me about her day and unloading groceries.)

Bestie: “There’s enough here to…” *tapers off into silence*

(I look up to see my bestie making a really strange face while edging away from the dishwasher.)

Me: “YOU HEAR THEM TOO!”

Bestie: *wide eyed* “I seriously just thought the voices were one of those strange things I accepted about you for the sake of our friendship. Like your mismatched socks and love of trashy romance novels.”

Me: “Yeah, but voices?”

Bestie: “Definitely hearing voices.”

Me: “Yay friendship!”

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The Best And Worst Idea To Date

Staten Island, NY, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am out with my two young sons, when I run into a friend. We get on the topic of him taking a girl out on a first date in New York City.)

Friend: “I was thinking of taking her on a buggy ride in Central Park, followed by a romantic dinner, and then a Broadway musical.”

Me: “Ooh.. nice.”

(My six-year-old son decides to interject.)

Son: “Excuse me. Can I say something?”

Me: “No. Go play with your brother.”

Friend: “That’s okay. Let’s hear it.”

Me: “You will regret this.”

Friend: “Let the kid talk.”

Son: “Uhm, buggy ride? Are you crazy? It’s stinky and it’s bumpy. That girl will not like to eat dinner after a buggy ride.”

Friend: “Have you been on a buggy ride?”

Son: “Plenty of times. My brother loves it. But it’s the most disgusting thing in New York City. You see the horse’s butt the entire time. Stinky. And the ride is so bumpy you get a bellyache, and you wanna throw up.”

Friend: “So, I’ll skip the buggy ride then?”

Son: “I’m not finished. Why don’t you have dinner first? Then, if your girl is being nice, take her to Broadway. If she’s not nice, then you take her to the buggy ride.”

Friend: “And the reason for the buggy ride is…?”

Son: “So she throws up! Weren’t you listening to my story? You need to learn how to listen.”

Friend: *to me* “What the h*** kind of things have you been teaching your kids?!”

Me: “I really don’t know…”

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They Wheely Need The Wine

NE, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am taking my four-year-old daughter and her friend to the store for some quick groceries. They are singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus,’ and are making up their own words.)

Daughter & Friend: “The mommies on the bus go, ‘Aaah! I need wine!'”

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A Dad’s Joke Is Always Dated

, , , , , | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(A friend of mine walks in and gets in my line. His ex-wife and he live close by each other, and he gets to see his daughter on his scheduled weekends, but also throughout the week if he’s not busy.)

Me: “How are you doing today?”

Friend: “Oh, not too bad. I have a date with a cute red-head this afternoon.”

Me: *knowing he is talking about his daughter* “Oh really? What do you have planned for today?”

Friend: “I don’t know. I think we’re gonna go to the park and let her ride her bike around, and then go get some lunch.”

Me: “Sounds good! Hope you guys have fun!”

(My friend wishes me a good day, and heads out the door. My next customer walks up.)

Customer: “It sounds like he’s going on a date with a four year old.”

Me: “Actually, she’s six!”

Vintage Trolling

Prince George, BC, Canada | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My dad loves teasing people. Almost everyone who knows us knows this, but newcomers are sometimes never sure if they should take him seriously. One of our good family friends has just gotten married.)

Friend #1: *to his wife* “Don’t worry; he’s just trolling you.”

My Dad: *grins unrepentantly* “I’ve been trolling people since before it was called trolling!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, back then we just called them a**-holes.”

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