(I’m driving with two friends one Saturday night. We’re on a small side street and I’m waiting to turn right onto a major road near the downtown area. I’m watching for a break in traffic and as soon as I see one I roll forward to make my turn. As I do, I turn my head to look through my windshield I hear a thump and see a pedestrian on the hood of my car. My two friends and I scream as I stop the car and put it into park. The man rolls off the hood and onto his feet.)

Me: *out my window to the pedestrian* “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going. Are you okay?”

Pedestrian: “Oh, I’m fine.” *looking at me with a concerned expression* “Are YOU okay, miss?”

Me: “Um… ah, yes.”

Pedestrian: “Are you sure? You’re shaking.”

Me: “Well…yes. I’m a little freaked out. I just hit you with my car! Are you SURE you’re okay? I mean, do you want my information or anything? I’m really very sorry. I can’t believe I just did that.”

Pedestrian: *laughing* “Oh I’m fine. It was all my fault. I wasn’t watching where I was going either. You’re sure you’re all right?”

Me: “Yes, yes, I’m fine. Again, I’m really sorry.”

Pedestrian: “Don’t worry about it. Have a good rest of your night!”

(The pedestrian waves and continues crossing the street while I just stare at him with my mouth hanging open. I turn back to my two friends to see that their jaws have dropped as well.)

Friend #1: “Did that… just happen?”

Me: “I… I really didn’t see him. Why didn’t you guys tell me he was there?!”

Friend #2: “I’m in the backseat and [Friend #1] is a big guy. I didn’t see anyone there till right when you hit him.”

Friend #1: “Only YOU could hit a pedestrian with your car and end up having HIM apologize to YOU.”

(I am both a student teacher and a part-time private school teacher, so my days are pretty packed. I learn that in order to obtain my credential, I need to renew my CPR certification. I have been up since seven in the morning, worked until five thirty, and am now sitting in a CPR class that’s scheduled to end at ten o’clock at night, so I am very tired, and that, coupled with chronic sinus congestion, causes me to yawn admittedly quite a bit during instructions. However, I am still able to concentrate and follow directions, and no one seems to be bothered by it. I am sitting toward the back with one another person, who decides to speak to me while the final CPR exam is passed out.)

CPR Classmate: “Hey. You yawned seventy-three times.”

Me: “…”

CPR Classmate: “Seventy-three times.”

Me: “…”

CPR Classmate: “Seriously. I counted.”

(I know she’s exaggerating, but I can feel my face flush as I try to ignore her and focus on my exam. She seems to notice my change in mood.)

CPR Classmate: “I’m kidding!”

Me: “Okay, then…”

(Have to give her credit – her unwarranted and unnecessary ‘joke’ embarrassed me so much that I stifled every other yawn I had until we were dismissed!)

(I work in an office nearby many of the major tourist attractions in DC, so I am often asked for directions by tourists. On this day, a seemingly friendly family stops me and asks me for directions when I’m walking back to my office after grabbing an afternoon coffee.)

Father: “Can you tell us where the intersection of [Street] and [Street] is?”

Me: “Sure, it’s only about two blocks from here. Are you looking for something near there? There’s really nothing right at that intersection, so if you’re looking for something nearby, I can probably give you better directions if you tell me exactly where you’re going.”

Father: “Oh, great! We read about this great [Local Restaurant] nearby there, and were hoping to go get a late lunch.”

Me: “Oh, that place is great. I go there when I can, but the lines are usually long at lunch and in the evening, so I often don’t have time. But, since it’s the middle of the afternoon, the lines should be pretty short and you can enjoy. I recommend [dish]. If you go up the street here about half a block, cross to the other side, and turn left, it’s about halfway down the block on your right. Enjoy!”

(Fast forward an hour and a half, I leave work and enter the Metro (subway). As I’m waiting for the train, I look up and see the same family I gave directions to earlier.)

Me: “Did you enjoy [Local Restaurant]?”

Mother: “I can’t believe it has such high ratings and you said it was so good. Do people around here not have any standards?”

Me: “Wow… I’m sorry you had such a bad experience there. What happened?”

Mother: “Well, I don’t even know how their food was because we couldn’t even order. When we went inside, there were over five people in line in front of us and they had only two registers to take orders. It was a total mess!”

Me: “Did you even wait for a minute to see how fast the line went? I’ve entered the line there with 50 people in front of me and had my food in 30 minutes or less…”

Mother: “Well, that just means you’re stupid like everyone else in this town, apparently. If they’re so busy and popular, they should have more registers so that people don’t have to stand in line. We went to McDonald’s, and there was no line and we got our food within 5 minutes. It’s a wonder they stay in business if they can’t maintain a standard of service like McDonald’s does.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure McDonald’s appreciated your business.”

(I’m a Hunger Games fan and am excited to watch ‘Mockingjay Part 2.’ However, my experience is being ruined by the woman next to me, who is texting on her phone with the brightness all the way up. I can’t move as the seats are assigned and the theater is nearly full. After twenty minutes of this, I decide to confront her.)

Me: “Excuse me, could you please put your phone away?”

Woman: “I can do what I want. I’m a true fan, not just some kid trying to fit in with the crowd.”

Me: *whispering* “I just want to enjoy the movie.”

Woman: “Oh, please, I bet you haven’t even seen the other movies. I’m a true fan, so it’s okay if I’m on my phone.”

Me: *still watching while whispering* “Actually, I’ve seen all the movies and read all the books.”

Woman: “Shows what you know! There are no books!”

(She resumes texting throughout the entire movie. I don’t want to leave my seat and find an usher because I don’t want to miss any more of the movie. I’m surprised I was the only one who even said anything to her!)

(A friend and I are on a field trip and talking about the animals in the water we can see. Then this random conversation pops up.)

Me: “There’s a load of kelp down there.”

Friend: “Well, it’s green kelp…”

(Ten minutes after we went to the bathroom:)

Friend: “THE KELP IS RED NOW, [My Name]! THE WORLD IS ENDING!”

Me: “On a more serious note… How the freak did it get freaking red?

Friend: “I have an idea. Maybe someone jumped off into those pointy rocks over there and smashed themselves, and blood went into the kelp and the kelp absorbed it — so now it’s red.”

Me: “[Friend], where would the body be?”

Friend: “Easy! It was just dragged off by the waves.”

Me: “Or someone just somehow collected a heck of a load of blood and just dumped it over.”

Friend: “[My Name], GROSS! They would have had to like kill something for that!”

Me: “Your idea of someone jumping over the edge is no less disgusting.”

Friend: “…”

Me: “…”

Friend: “How did the topic get this disturbing? We were talking about animals and now we’re talking about blood, suicide, and smashed bodies.”

Me: “You just HAD to notice that the kelp was red!”

(Now we always call red kelp “blood kelp”!)