Being Taken For A Runaround

Devon, England, UK | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My son is early in learning how to move and walk. I’m meeting up for coffee with a mom friend; her son is five weeks younger.)

Me: “Everything is kind of hectic and stressful because he is just into everything. You’re lucky that yours is content with sitting up.”

Friend: “Actually I kinda wish mine was moving about more. I’m really looking forward to it.”

(My friend spends the next hour watching me chase after my son.)

Friend: “You know what I said earlier about wanting my kid to crawl? Never mind.”

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Cell Your Life Away

Petaluma, CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My eight-year-old daughter has been begging for a cell phone, and is jealous of her 11-year-old friend who just got her first cell, an older iPhone. My husband and I take them both to a local farm.)

Me: “[Friend], your phone’s falling out of your pocket; you should have left it in the car.”

Friend: “But I’m taking pictures of the kittens.”

Me: “I guess that’s reasonable.”

Daughter: “And her mom called her.”

Me: “Oh, why’d she call?”

Friend: “She just wanted to make sure we got here.”

Me: “Nope, we sold you to sea traders.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Daughter: “Mom? If we do sell her, can I have her phone?”

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Your Friends Are Your Best Anti-Drug Campaign

| CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(In college, I am roommates with several friends who decide one day to take a certain hallucinogenic substance. I and another friend of mine are the sober babysitters, although halfway through the night the other friend bails and leaves me the sole person to keep four people safe.)

Friend #1: “Holy crap! There are zombies outside!”

Me: “What? No… no there aren’t, honey. Those are just people. We live in a busy neighborhood.”

Friend #1: “Those. Are. Zombies. I need to go find something to use as a weapon, and then I’m going out there. I ain’t going down without a fight!”

Me: “Uh… no! No you can’t do that! They’re like… 28 Days Later zombies. They’re super-fast!” *seeing the look of panic on her face* “BUT! They’re crazy stupid. Sooo stupid. They don’t even know what a house is, so if we just keep the door shut and stay in the house, we’re totally good.”

Friend #1: “Oh… okay!” *smiles*

Friend #2: “I’ll be the Godzilla of Cheez-Its. You can be the Mothra of Cheez-its, and we’ll battle it out!”

Me: “Um… sure?”

Friend #3: “I get it now.”

Me: “Get what?”

Friend #3: “The bond between you and [Boyfriend]. It’s like me and these burgers… unshakable.”

Friend #4: *rips 4th of July wristband off and stomps on it* “It’s the man! He’s trying to keep me doooooown! You can’t win MAN!” *takes stomped wristband and throws it into a glass of water* “What’re you gonna do NOW?!”

Friend #1: “Zombies!”

Friend #2: “Cheez-it Godzilla!”

Friend #3: “Burgers!”

Friend #4: “The Man!”

To Catch A Mermaid Requires (Jail)Bait

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My friends and I are discussing the age of Disney Characters.)

Me: “Prince Eric is 16.”

Friend: “Prince Eric does not look like a 16 year old. If there were 16 year olds that looked like Prince Eric, I would be in jail.”

Sheer Lunar-cy

| NY, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(I am half Swiss, and often go away to Switzerland over summer break. I am currently telling a group of friends about how sometimes in Switzerland we wake up and watch the moon shine over the lake from our hotel balcony.)

Me: “It’s really pretty how the moon just shines over the water with the mountains behind it.”

Friend: “Wait! Wait! There is a moon in Switzerland!?”

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