Not Built Like A Tank, But Can Carry One

, | MI, USA | Friendly | April 17, 2014

(In my dorm, there is a filtered water machine in the basement. I frequently use it to fill my 10-gallon fish tank. I’m a 5’6″ 120 lb female, but I work out a lot and I’m able to lift my own body weight. When my fish tank is full, it weighs about 100 lbs. I bring my fish tank downstairs and fill it up, and walk the long hallway carrying the heavy tank, when a guy catches up to me.)

Guy: “Hey, do you need any help with that? It looks really heavy!”

Me: “Oh, no, thanks. It’s really not that bad.”

Guy: “No, really. I can carry that. Don’t want you to get hurt!”

Me: “Really, I’m fine. I fill this thing up all the time. It’s not a big deal.”

Guy: “Come on! You have a guy offering you help!”

Me: “I don’t need any help from you.”

(The elevator comes.)

Me: “Do you mind hitting six? Thanks.”

Guy: “Here, let me take that.”

(He grabs the tank from my arms, scraping them with the corners, leaving bruises.)

Me: “… Dude! Seriously?!”

Guy: “D***! This is heavy! Oh, no!”

(Suddenly, he loses his grip and drops my fish tank. Of course, it’s glass, so it shatters. Thankfully, we both only had minor cuts from the glass, which flew everywhere. The elevator is soaked, and I could see water running into the crack below the door and hear it dripping down the shaft. The door opens on his floor a few seconds later.)

Guy: “You should have warned me it was so heavy! Pretty girls like you who expect men to do EVERYTHING for you PISS ME OFF! Now I’m all cut up thanks to you! UGH!” *storms out of the elevator*

(I called maintenance and helped them clean it up. I found out that guy lived on my boyfriend’s floor, and we insisted that he pay for a new tank. He eventually gave in and got me a five-gallon tank, telling me, ‘This is will be easier for you to carry. Maybe you won’t drop it this time.’ I had to stop my boyfriend from punching him.)

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Death By Chocolate

| CT, USA | Friendly | April 17, 2014

(It’s my friend’s birthday party and she’s opening gifts. My gift is a huge tin of Christmas candy. It’s early February.)

Birthday Girl: *opening gift* “Wow. That’s a lot of candy.” *she starts pulling out bags of it and commenting on them*

Friend #1: “I’m sure [Birthday Girl] appreciates the Christmas theme.”

Me: “Yeah, well, about that. This gift was originally for a Christmas party that was canceled because someone died.”

Birthday Girl: “Geez, [My Name]! I didn’t need to know that. God, now I feel really bad. Someone had to die for me to have this.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, that gift is to die for.”

Birthday Girl: “[Friend 2]!”

Friend #1: “I would kill for that gift.”

(Birthday Girl gives Friend #1 a look.)

Friend #3: “Eating all that candy at once would be deadly.”

Friend #4: “I would die if I could have that gift.”

(Others add more puns.)

Birthday Girl: “Stop! You’re all horrible.”

(There’s a moment of lull in the conversation.)

Me: *returning from the kitchen* “That joke is dead to us now.”

Articulating Masticating

| AB, Canada | Friendly | April 16, 2014

(I am eating lunch at the end of a hallway with a large group of friends. We usually have about three conversations going on at once.)

Friend #1: *vigorously eating sandwich* “My favorite part about lunchtime is masticating in the hall.”

Friend #2: *not paying attention, suddenly looks up in horror* “Doing WHAT in the hall?!”

(She was relieved when we told her that she had NOT heard what she thought she’d heard.)

Their Thieving Days Are Numbered

| Somerset, NJ, USA | Friendly | April 16, 2014

(My four-year-old niece has earned a dollar for helping out at home. She is quite excited, and has been carrying this bill with her all day. Her father stops at a local convenience store, and she brings her dollar bill inside with them. They are going to the register, when she realizes she has dropped her bill in the candy aisle. As she goes to retrieve it, a man with a female companion grabs it off the ground.)

Man: “Here’s my dollar! I must have dropped it!”

(My niece looks to her dad, shocked.)

Niece: “Daddy? That’s my dollar.”

Man: “Nope. I dropped a dollar bill right here. This one is mine. Right, honey?”

Female Companion: “Oh, it’s definitely yours. Shame on you, little girl.”

(My niece is tragically disappointed and confused. Her face is crumpled in defeat and she is near tears.)

Niece’s Father: “Humor me for a second. Hand that bill over to the cashier.”

Man: “Why? It’s mine!”

Niece’s Father: “Then you’ll get it back in just a second. Just humor me, okay?”

(The man reluctantly hands the bill over to the cashier.)

Niece’s Father: “[Niece], tell the man what numbers are on that bill.”

(My niece proudly repeats a string of numbers.)

Niece’s Father: “Miss, what is the serial number on that dollar?”

Cashier: *reads off the same numbers my niece just said from memory*

(My niece is ecstatic. As her father looks at the man and woman, they can’t even look him in the eye, and they rush out without a word. The best part? My niece bought her candy and the cashier was so impressed that she paid for it out of her own pocket so she could keep the dollar!)

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It’s A Muggle’s Games

| St. Cloud, MN, USA | Friendly | April 16, 2014

(My best friend is at my apartment with me, my roommate, and my fiancé, and we are playing Taboo. In this game, you have to get others to guess a word without saying any of the related words beneath it on the card. We aren’t playing it by the rules; just taking turns trying to get everyone else to guess without keeping score.)

Roommate: *draws card* “Hmm… world cup.”

Best Friend & Me: *in unison, with conviction* “OH! QUIDDITCH!”

(My fiancé and roommate look at me and my best friend like we’ve lost it.)

Fiancé: SOCCER.

Roommate: “Did you guys seriously forget Quidditch isn’t a real sport?

Me: “… Yes.”

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