(My friend is playing ‘Hitman: Absolution,’ a video game where you play as a hitman, while I watch and give tips. The game awards you for being silent, stealthy, and killing ONLY your target. My friend is not the stealthy type, and will try to kill everyone he can. He is playing the tutorial mission. He enters the kitchen, waits for the chef to stop talking to a guard, and instead of sneaking by (which is easy, the chef won’t even think of anything) this happens. It is worth noting that there is a scoring system, and points are deducted for killing the wrong person, being seen, etc. and starts at zero.)

Friend: *grabs knife*

Me: “All right, you might need that later.”

Friend: “Should I kill the chef?”

Me: “No, just go through the kitchen.”

Friend: *throws knife in chef’s face, killing him*

(His score is now at -3500 for killing a non-target, killing a civilian, and being spotted. In other words, VERY bad.)

Me: “That was a CIVILIAN!”

Friend: “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry!”

(Later is a mission to kill a man, “king of Chinatown.” Crowded environment, but several ways to kill him, including a sniper rifle, poisoning his food, and pushing him down a hole.)

Friend: “Okay, so how can I kill him?”

Me: “Well, there’s a sniper rifle in one these houses… You can also lure him to his car…”

Friend: “Can I just shoot him?”

Me: “In a crowded marketplace? They’ll call SWAT teams!”

Friend: “I’m going to shoot him.”

(He did so. And actually managed to finish the mission without being filled with holes and only killed one or two cops.)

(My good friend recently turned the big three-oh and I am at a loss what to get him. Finances have been tough recently and I’ve run out of more obvious gifts. I decided to surprise him with 30 different memories from our friendship together. To make it more complex I split the memories over many digital platforms so he would have to search them out. Later I got his text:)

Friend: “That took forever to find.”

Me: “Did you get them all?”

Friend: “Yes, after a little while.”

Me: “Sorry, I couldn’t get you something more concrete for such a big birthday.”

Friend: “Don’t be silly. You have just reminded me what getting older is all about.”

Me: “Collecting memories?”

Friend: “Yep, and forgetting them all after enough pints.”

(After a good chuckle I saw later he had mentioned the best parts of his birthday on Facebook. After giving myself a hard time on not being able to do something bigger for my best friend, it was lovely to see how much it meant to him.)

(I’m at a concert with two friends, one female, one male. We’re all cosplayers and generally rather nerdy, so naturally I prick up my ears when a group of teenagers next to me starts discussing the Lord of the Rings.)

Teen Girl #1: “I found it way too complex.”

Teen Boy: “Really?”

Teen Girl #2: “Yeah, I just couldn’t figure out who the bad guy was. The one who ran away with the ring, or the “Grey” or “Red” or whatever, or Sauron?”

(Cue the three of us sharing an incredulous look…)

This story is part of our Lord Of The Rings roundup!

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(My friend and I are working out our schedules for next year.)

Friend: *receives text* “Oh, my god, everyone keeps asking me for advice on their schedules. I’m not god! I don’t know what you should do with your life.”

(Five minutes later:)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], do you think I should take AP or regular science?”

(It’s tourist season, and an older couple approaches me:)

Woman: “Excuse me, can you tell us where [Store] is?”

Me: “Sure, just continue down this street another half mile or so. It’s almost across the street from the McDonald’s.”

Woman: *in a syrupy condescending voice* “Oh, honey, we’re not from around here. We don’t know where the McDonalds live.”

Me: “Uh, look for the golden arches. You’ll figure it out.”