(A group of friends and myself are doing a medieval-themed escape-room where you have to solve puzzles to get out.)
Friend #1: *jokingly holding cross that was used as a hint at the video of a dragon we’re supposed to kill* “The power of Christ compels you!”
Friend #2: “Not even Jesus can save you now.”
Friend #1: “Well, that does make sense considering I’m Jewish.”
(I am in elementary school. My mom signs me up for summer acting classes at the local theater. On the first day, we’re all sitting around waiting for our teacher when a woman bursts into the room.)
Woman: “Help me! I am in pain!”
(There is very obvious fake blood dripping from her arm.)
Kid #1: “That looks fake.”
Woman: “How dare you insult me when I’m in pain?! I think I’m dying! Oh!”
(She staggers around the room for a bit.)
Kid #2: “Okay, I’ll play along. What happened?”
Woman: “Play along to what? This is real! I was taking a stroll across the street when I overheard a murder plot! I ran in fear and the man stabbed me in the arm!”
Kid #3: “So you decided to run into a theater for help?”
Me: “There’s literally a clinic right across the street.”
Woman: “Oh, silly children, I’ve fooled you! Don’t fear. This is all the magic of the theeeeeaaaaater!”
Me: “This is going to be a long summer…”
(My husband and I are in a roleplaying group together. The campaign we are running is potentially years if not decades, if we want, and the character I made is a race that is short-lived, so potentially I could die of old age before the campaign ends. Also, a little backstory with my character is that she is utterly obsessed with books, coming from a background that thinks that words steal your soul. She has risen above that and wants to help educate the world. My character is also good, not evil.)
Me: “Hey, [Husband].”
Husband: “Yes, love?”
Me: “So, there are ways that you can extend your life in the [Campaign], yes?”
Husband: “Yes, several. Did you have one in mind that we can talk to [Dungeon Master] about?”
Me: “Liches have to be evil, don’t they…”
Husband: *chuckling* “Yes. They have to do an unspeakably evil act to become a Lich. I don’t think that would suit [My Character].”
Me: “Well… you know the evil could be subjective.”
Husband: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Well, it would be evil for my character to destroy books. Doesn’t hurt anyone! Just [My Character]’s soul…”
Husband: *starts laughing*
(For my school’s band trip we went to Quebec. A group of us are hanging out in Guy #1’s room. We’re all sitting on the bed; there’s seven girls and two guys.)
Guy #1: “Hey, now I can go back to school and say I had six girls in my bed!”
Guy #2: “Don’t forget to share!”
Guy #1: “So we each get three girls. Wait, there’s seven in the bed. We’re either sharing one girl or splitting her in half.”
Guy #2: “I am NOT sharing.”
Girl #1: “Well, I am not getting cut in half!”
(It’s the end of my hen weekend (bachelorette party) and my sisters and I are a little hungover. The last thing I have planned for the weekend is afternoon tea with all the ladies in my family. We are in my sister’s apartment waiting for my mam to pick us up, chatting with her flatmate.)
Sister: “I’m so glad Mam is giving us a lift; I am dying after last night.”
Flatmate: “Seems like you’ve had a good weekend, all right!”
Me: “Mam’s here, time to go.”
(We say bye to her flatmate and head in to afternoon tea in a fancy hotel in town – about a 20 minute drive. I visit the bathroom before sitting down to tea and then take my phone out of my bag. But I can’t unlock it and the lock screen pic is wrong.)
Me: “I can’t get my phone to open.”
Sister: “Show me.” *tries phone* “What’s your pin?”
Me: “I don’t have one and the last one I used isn’t working either.”
Sister: “That’s weird.”
Me: “Oh, my God, I just found my phone in my bag! I’ve stolen someone’s phone!”
(I think back but can’t remember where I might have picked it up. I remember putting it into my bag but that could have been mine, and I can’t remember where I was. Eventually:)
Me: “It must have been in the bathroom on the counter and I thought it was mine. We haven’t been anywhere else since we got ready at your place, and I didn’t have this bag last night. It must belong to someone in the hotel. I’ll drop it down to reception.”
Sister: “Are you sure? Isn’t there a way to call emergency contact numbers or something?”
Me: “I’d say reception staff probably have a better idea of how to do that than I do. This must happen all the time.”
(I drop the phone to reception and think no more about it. My mam drops us all home again after afternoon tea. When my sister goes home her flatmate is still in their sitting room.)
Sister: “Hey, did you get my text?”
Flatmate: “No, I can’t find my phone. Can I borrow yours to ring it?”
Sister: “Sure.” *hands phone over*
(Flatmate rings the phone.)
Flatmate: “Okay, thanks. I’ll come pick it up.” *hangs up* “That’s weird. It’s in [Hotel]!”
Sister: “That’s so weird. I just came from there.”
(A few seconds pass while the penny drops.)
Sister: “D*** it, [My Name]!”
(My still very hungover sister then had to drive her flatmate back into town to pick up the phone.)
